iDiet

[a weight loss story]

*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*

::31.7.05::

Things To Look Forward To #1

Buying clothes that fit in the shoulders. I have very narrow shoulders. When I buy clothes, especially clothes with straps like singlet tops or slips, the straps always fall down. I hate that. One day the rest of my body will be in proportion to my shoulders and that will be a fine day indeed.

Good for you on having something to aim for - such an important part of the journey otherwise you forget why you started in the first place !
Take care and have a great week !
Me

By Blogger Me, at 11:39 pm  

Just noticed your birthday. 1 week and 1 day after mine. Gotto love being a Virgo.

You will have to get some of that invisi-tape all the stars are using on their clothes :) Hope you have a great day tomorrow

By Blogger M, at 9:16 pm  

 

Learning From Myself

I've been reading back over my archives from when I started losing weight in February and found this:

About ten years ago, I lost a lost of weight and was doing aerobics every day. I looked good there for a while. I see photos now of me at that time and I'm a babe. I had great legs. I want to find one of those photos and stick it on the fridge for inspiration.

But, the sad thing is, I remember how I felt around that time. I didn't feel attractive or gorgeous. I didn't feel a sense of achievement at the changes in my body. I didn't dwell me at the point I was at. Instead my entire focus was on how much further I had to go with my weight loss.I don't want to do that now.

While I have goals that I want to achieve, I don't want to live my life as an unfinished project waiting for the day that scales tell me I am acceptable. I want to be the best I can be at every point along the way.


I'm glad I read back over that because I feel like that is the place I'm in again at the moment. My self esteem swings like a pendulum. When I compare myself to how I once was, then I feel great. I've lost 16 kilograms this year and that's a big deal. I've got my cholestrol and blood sugar back to a normal, healthy range. I exercise everyday. I should be proud of all that.

Then the pendulum swings, and I compare myself to how I want to be. The gym is the worst - all those mirrors. When you see yourself mid-exercise, with a gut of fat being squished up, it is hard to feel good about yourself. In pump class yesterday, we had a new woman start. She said she hadn't exercised for ages but still she was doing much better than me and I've been doing the class for weeks now. Mostly it was the exercises where you use your own body weight that were my downfall - the tricep dips (satan's own exercise) and calf raises. But hey, I'm behind the 8 ball before I start, I have heaps more body weight to support.

I hate it sometimes. I hate it when the gym instructors do that friendly supportive thing. The "let's encourage the fat girl" thing. I've been copping that one since PE class at high school. I guess they think they are doing the right thing but I don't want to be different. I don't want to be given the easier version of the exercise. I don't want to be singled out for support. That just makes me feel worse.

Aw jees, I've been feeling bad lately. Let me tell you. I've not been losing weight. I've not being losing measurements either. I feel like raging to the universe - "what else do you want me to do? Aren't I doing enough?" I'm sure the universe has some thoughts on my eating patterns and the amount of incidental exercise to share with me. Still I'm doing all that I can. I'm starting to get sore knees and a sore back yet I don't want to cut down on my gym load because I'm scared. If I'm not losing weight now, what's going to happen if I exercise less?

If I was reading someone else's weight loss blog, and they were all discouraged because their weight had plateaued, I'm sure I'd be full of encouraging words for them. I know the words, I know that this isn't forever, that's it's just a pitstop on the road to victory but I don't feel that. It feels like a punishment, an atonement for every piece of food I put in my mouth.

So back to my February post, I think I am doing what I did last time I lost weight. I'm focusing on the goal, thinking that I need to be at a "normal" weight to be happy and successful. I also think that I am too into the whole diet/exercise mind frame. I need other things in my life. I need to enjoy being who I am today, not the person I'm going to be some time down the track. I need a hobby that isn't going to the gym or working out kilojoules in food or reading or writing about these things. I've got to get on my life, the life of a non-fat person. I don't know how to do that, but I'm working on it.

Hi Kath, I think your reflections are excellent. I was just reading about another woman who was struggling the way you are (she plateaued for three years at 108 (kilograms)) whilst maintaining a proper eating plan and exercising every day. She found herself losing again when she (a) asked for help, and (b)began living her life otherwise. She freed herself to do this by detaching from results and focusing on how good proper eating and exercise made her feel regardless of what was happening on the scale or by the tape measure.

By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 8:39 pm  

Great post. Plateau girl is me. But I know why I am. I am not moving my butt. But this post reminds me that there are other things to focus on in my life too, weight loss is just one of them. Thanks. Hope you have a great day tomorrow :)

By Blogger M, at 8:43 pm  

Three years! Yikes. You'd have to be so strong not to just pack it in.

I am thinking of starting meditation classes this week and have an appointment with a counsellor so hopefully those things will help.

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 9:01 pm  

 

::30.7.05::

Philosophical Thoughts

Jean Paul Sartre once said that hell is other people. I think that is rather astute of him, considering he was a French Existentialist and therefore didn't have occupational hazards like people in his office bringing in much yummy food for morning tea, including Mint Slice biscuits and getting pretty damn demanding that you eat the yummy food then sitting the yummy food on a desk you have to walk past many times during the work day and having to smell the yummy food. All in all, Jean Paul Sartre got it pretty easy. I guess that's why he's known as Jean Paul Sartre, French Existentialist and not Jean Paul Sartre, Fat Bastard.

I have thought of several ingenius ploys for coping with Food In The Workplace situations:

1. Become the Office Cumudegon

When someone starts offering around food, go into a meltdown about the evils of high fat/high sugar in a loud and angry voice. Abuse them for daring to offer you Mint Slices. Call them "pushers" and "enablers". Make such a fuss that you will look like a complete and utter idiot if you back down and actually eat something. The motivation to not look like a moron should override the desire to eat and soon people will stop offering you food altogether. Of course this works best if you are a casual employer and never have to see these people again after a few months.

2. Become the Office Nice Person

Instead of eating yourself, take charge and offer the food around to everyone else, even people who don't work for your company. That way the food is gone and you don't have to eat it and everyone loves you.

3. A mixture of the last two

That way, everyone will think you are insane and not offer you anything, or talk to you or go near you. That is good sometimes.

4. What I did...

Wait until the food is almost gone, then begrudgingly eat the last Mint Slice. That way you feel good for holding out but still get to eat a yummy Mint Slice (only about 300 kjs) and you aren't tempted to go back for more because there is no more.

I have also reflected on this difficult situation and believe I should treat this kind of food as if it is a bowl of fire. Sometimes I get burnt.

By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 7:37 pm  

 

::28.7.05::

Curvy

Recently I was reading about how many people have unrealistic expections from their weight loss, how they expect to go from being a 5 foot nothing, dumpy brunette with short legs to being a 6 foot 4 willowy blonde with legs that don't quit. I mean we all have our dreams but you can't expect miracles.

Personally, I've never wanted to be thin, not supermodel thin. Well, it's something that I've never really seen as within the realms of possiblity for myself but even if it were, if a genie appeared out of a bottle to give me my ideal body, I wouldn't want it. I mean check out supermodel , Sarah O'Hare. The girl looks like Jar Jar Binks. Ick. At least I know my resemblance to Jabbah the Hutt is declining. And I'd rather be Jabbah than Jar Jar any day.

Curvy is tops. At the moment my body is curvy, so really I just want the curves to change - I want to be curvy like an hourglass, not curvy like a snowman. I like having boobs and would love it if I had more of a butt. Some butt cushioning would be really handy to be honest.

Even when I'm looking at people on the street, window shopping for a new body as it were, I never check out the tall, thin chicks but the curvy ones. I think I'd be more than happy as a size 14. I'd look good, feel good and be able to maintain that. And it would be a hell of a lot smaller than I've been as an adult. I think there is as much happiness in knowing when to stop as there is in losing weight.

Damn, my net nanny blocked the site. Must learn how to unblock those things again LOL. I never thought you could change heights as part of weight loss expectations though I wouldn't mind it if my legs grew a couple of inches. But I'd just be happy to settle for a couple less saddle bags. I give curves the big thumbs up.

By Blogger M, at 10:18 pm  

I know what you mean. I was around a size 12 when I stopped thinking so much about being thinner as I was thinking about being "fitter" ~ that's when I started to run, lift weights, etc. Still, I lost weight after that, but it wasn't so much the *focus* anymore. I would "sit" at weights for long periods of time. I'd lose 5 or6 pounds and then I'd feel great for a long time, though eventually I'd notice that no, I could stand to lose a few more, so I'd lose 5 pounds and then stay there for a long time. It was much less maniacal to me once I got to a "decent" weight.

I was a size 8 (US, so you know, take it for what it's worth!) before I got pregnant, and of course I still thought I was fat. I was wrong. Hopefully, I've learned my lesson about that and after the baby is born I'll be comfortable with my body ~ as long as it's healthy and fit ~ at any size.

By Blogger Mia Goddess, at 12:21 am  

I agree! When I was in my 20's I was modeling at 140 pounds (I'm 5'5" tall) and a size 10 (U.S.). I felt great, looked great, never wanted to be any different. I feel the same way now and tend to feel comfortable with my size long before I'm "supposed" to according to the current standards. Now, it's a matter of healthy weight, which my doctor puts at 160 or lower.

By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 1:27 am  

I'm with you on the curves. I think they rock. Personally I would like to have smaller boobs and [like you said] less of a snowman figure going on.

I'd rather have a bit of salsa in my walk then a string bean.

By Blogger Dee, at 9:19 pm  

Curvy women unite!!!!

I am curvy too, and oh the thighs...lol

But really, curvy is beautiful.

And you have a beautiful blog too! I'll be back for more and will pick into your archives too ;o)

By Blogger Silverella, at 9:46 pm  

 

::27.7.05::

Things

I went to the gym last night, even though I'm feeling sick, and got to watch Australian Idol. I thought I'd have to tone down my workout a bit because I'd not be at full strength but the opposite was true. I was Super Woman! I did everything so easily and even did extra reps of most exercises. How weird is that?

***

I miss my garden, having fresh vegetables and herbs available for picking just outside the back door, so I think when I get paid I'll go to the nursery and get some pots to grow some herbs. I have some plants that a friend is looking after but I don't really feel like bringing them over here. We had a couple of nice big plants near the front door and some bastard stole them the other night - grrr! I'm sure things are safer in the backyard. We are getting our side fence replaced at the moment so maybe that's why - they had easy access.

I'll just get a cheap pot and some punnets of plants anyway - I love having fresh herbs to use in my cooking. The landlords are currently doing a lot of work on the backyard so when they have finished, I might be able to organise some space to grow tomatoes and stuff.

***
I have been thinking of packing up my scales and taking them over to my storage space. I go over to the storage space every few weeks to get things or put things in there (or just to scab the free lollipops in the office - man, they are the best lollipops ever and there aren't that many kilojoules in lollipop, right). That way I stop weighing myself everyday. Oh, did I say everyday? I mean every time I walk past them. I weigh myself of a morning then I go to the toilet then I weigh myself again. I weigh myself when I get home from work and sometimes at night before bed. It's got to stop. Once every couple of weeks is ample.
***
On the topic of weights and measures, my hip measurement is not moving. But I swear my belly looks smaller. I've been thinking about this. When you have a big huge jelly belly (just imagine a someone with a bean bag under their shirt) then it may not necessarily be the diametre that decreases. Like if you deflate a basketball - it flattens at the top and bottom before the sides. So my belly is getting smaller, just not at the hip measurement. Maybe. Does that make sense or am I just clutching at straws?

I miss my garden too. We had a beautiful herb garden that somehow died when we went on holidays for 3 weeks, at Christmas, when it was really really hot. Go figure :)

I think your theory on the hip sizing is correct. I have found that when I take measurements it skips a drop in the hips. So my waist and thighs go down one measure, and the next time the hips catch up. Weird.

Well done on Idoling it at the gym :)

By Blogger M, at 11:52 am  

My stomach is the same. Getting flat on top but the sides still need a lot of work! I totally understand!!

By Anonymous Stacey, at 9:36 am  

 

::26.7.05::

TV or Not TV, That Is The Question

I think my post titles are getting progressively cheesier. Oh well, at least it's kj & fat free cheese.

When I moved, about three months ago, I left behind my crudy old could-barely-get-a-reception television. It wasn't worth the effort of moving it. Because of the costs of moving and other financial shit going down at the time, I couldn't afford to replace it. Things were tough back then. I had no television, no computer, no internet. Nothing. My son hadn't packed the cord for the stereo and I couldn't replace that so all I had was my clock radio.

I was broke, not working and in debt from moving. I'd just started a new job where I got paid monthly, so that meant I worked 2 weeks, got paid for those 2 weeks then worked another 4 weeks before I was paid again - ie. I got 2 weeks pay in the first six weeks.

I started going to the local gym. I was $4 a visit casual rate so it was an entertainment I could afford. Slowly I started to fill my life back up with distractions - got the stereo working, got a computer, got the internet back on (hence the sudden explosion in posts). But I still don't have a television. I can afford one now but I'm wary.

The trouble with television is that it can suck the motivation right out of your bone marrow. Look around you, the world is filled with couch potatoes wasting their lives watching things they don't even care about. I am no anti-television evangelist but I get annoyed at people who say they don't have time to exercise/read/learn Italian or anything else they want to do, but find it essential to watch that repeat of The Simpsons for the hundredth time. That isn't not having time, that is choosing not to, my friends.

Like chocolate, television is great in small quantities, when you make a conscious decision about your consumption and you are doing it because you really want it, not out of habit or boredom or lack of anything better to do.

So, you might ask, what's the problem? You don't like tv, don't have tv. Simple as that.

Yet it is not nearly so simple. See Australian Idol starts today. I love that show. It's trashy and bad and wrong, like eating fast food on the run. But I crave it.

Tonight I'm going to the gym and I'm getting on that treadmill and tuning my walkman to the tv. I'll get fit while watching Idol. It may not be a long term solution but it will do for now.

Over the last few years, I've been weaning myself off zoning out in front the set. I do have it on as background noise when I surf, but I don't glue myself in front of it as much as I used to. I'd like to get to the point where I rid myself of it entirely.

By Anonymous renee, at 11:28 pm  

There's a really good (older) book called "Amusing Ourselves to Death" by Neil Postman which asserts that the best thing on TV is the really trashy stuff. We know as we're watching it that it's trash so we don't suffer the ill effects of those things that purport to be serious but are still trash because no serious issue can survive a cutaway to a commercial for Burger King. Thinking we're improving our minds as the truncated discussion of issues begins teaching our brains never to sustain thought for more than one or two minutes is much worse than secretly enjoying the Idol franchise. I think you've got a great and sensible approach: watch what you really enjoy and keep the set off (or out of the house) the rest of the time. Good post!

By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 2:04 am  

 

Sick

Arrrggghhhh! I feel even worse today. All I want to do is sleep, but a little voice in the back of my head is saying that since I've taken the day off work I should work on my novel and maybe clean up a little and possibly do some shopping. The other voice in my head is just saying *ache*.

Aww I hope you get well soon, definitely rest.

Poor thing, sending cyber hugs!

By Blogger Dee, at 5:57 pm  

 

::25.7.05::

Blah

One of the disadvantages of spending most of your life as a slack-arsed mole, is that you forget to listen to your body. For many years, every time I started a fitness routine, I'd get the merest sniffle or pain and having to stop for my health's sake. Any excuse would do.

So now I'm all pumped and motivated and stuff but I'm feeling ill and I don't know if I'm magnifying the symptoms to avoid gym or if I'm playing down the symptoms because I want to go to the gym and my mind's in a big flurry because I don't know what's real and what I'm imagining and ...

It's tough. I didn't go to the gym tonight and now I feel like a big, fat, lazy pig. One day isn't going hurt, but that whole "one day isn't going to hurt" can often be the banana peel under the foot of girl clawing her way out of the lard pits. But as well as the sore throat, I have sore knees and a sore back.

I wish I had a common-sense-o-meter that would tell me what the right answer is. That would be mighty handy.

I'm sorry, but "the banana peel under the foot of a girl clawing her way out of the lard pits"....hehe I needed that. Thanks!
~ Mia

By Blogger Mia Goddess, at 11:44 pm  

I've heard that as long as you don't have a fever, you go to the gym. Yeah, that never helped me either. :)

By Blogger The Troescher Team, at 12:06 am  

 

::24.7.05::

Compliments and Insults

About 6 or 7 years ago, I went to the pub with some friends for my birthday. At the end of the night we decided to grab a pizza and go back to one of the friend's houses to finish off the night. So my friend and I headed down the street to get the pizza then back to the pub to round everyone up.

I waited outside with the pizza while my friend did the rounding and as I waiting, the smell of the pizza beside me got very tempting. Bugger it, I thought and reached inside the box to get out a steamy, hot slice. As I started eating it, a guy walked out the pub door and saw me. He turned to his mate and said, "That's really what I want to see at the end of the night, a fat pig eating pizza." Yeah, nice one, huh?

I was thinking about this the other day. About the insults we get just for being overweight. They can be hurtful and mean and unjust. But you know something else, I wondered why I hold onto this stuff.

Every insult is like a small object, precious and spiky. I keep them all and every so often take them out and play with them. I know every nuance although the spikes hurt my flesh. Why don't I just throw them away?

You can bet there have been heaps of times when I've been at the pub and some guy has told me I'm cute or hot or have nice eyes - that's just the beer talking and it leaves my mind almost immediately. But when someone insults me, I don't dismiss that as drunken talk to be easily dismissed. It is a reflection of how the world sees me, at least in my mind, something I still remember and fret over years later.

I've got to stop this. It does no good. Hold on to the compliments, leave the insults behind.

Yes, I hate jerks like that guy. I had a recent experience just like that - only the @ss in question wasn't even drunk to excuse his rudeness. He wasn't looking while walking up crowded subway stairs - and I was going down. When he looked up, I was right near him, but walking around - and he cried out, "Holy Sh!t, go on a diet" - or something similarly charming. It's really ridiculous that someone behaves that way. An adult, nonetheless... I would never deliberately say something so hurtful to anyone (unless struck first, I should add - then watch out world!). I mean, do I gossip about the girl in too tight jeans with her thong hanging out - but never when she can hear me! That's just wrong.

Anyway, I hope you can put it beside you. It's not worth letting them get to us, though I understand how hard it is! Those who say things like this are just ridiculous, stupid, people - and I hesitate to call them people!

(hugs)

By Anonymous Mae, at 1:42 am  

That's just mean and not needed. I'm trying to lose 15kg that I stacked on after my wedding and I feel so self conscious of eating in front of others.

By Blogger Jezzy, at 12:05 pm  

[I spun out that you commented on my page, because I was literally over here before - but needed to go to the shop before I commented. Wow! Glad to see another aussie here!!]

I hate comments like that. It's ridiculous people think just because we're overweight they're entitled to be rude to our faces. I guess because we wear our addiction/problem/instability so publicly on our body, people think they are just in reacting the way they do.

I like the analogy for insults, it's definitely how I see it. I think because we're so use to media, social, emotional negatively to the weight we feel that holding onto the pain is our punishment [or reward] for being overweight. It's taken a long time for me to love myself, I'm still learning how to accept compliments from people.

I remember I had a light bulb moment when I realise that I'm in control, not just of my weight but the way people effect me. I'm only insulted [and hurt] if I allow myself to be. Sometimes it catches me off guard and the sting of pain is easily remembered. But ultimately, I shouldn't give others that kind of credit.

I hope you learn to let go of the horrible insults, people normally lash out because of their insecurities. For most it's easier to pulls others down then to climb up to their level.

I'm sure you're a beautiful, intelligent person that could never be defined in a moment of stupidity like that or a single sentence. I will enjoy getting to know you ^_^

p.s. you're doing great so far, 15kgs is bloody awesome!

By Blogger Dee, at 4:41 pm  

This is a great post and one which captures what I have been thinking about lately. Why do we hold onto the old stuff, why do we continue to carry around the negative. Well said. Geez and you would think that stuttering, stumbling, smelly, incoherent beer swilling drunk blokes would have a really good look in the mirror every now and again - but wouldn't do any good - they would be too drunk to notice how idiotic they look ;)

By Blogger M, at 8:29 pm  

 

Sunday Morning Thoughts

At the moment I am loving -

Wholegrain English muffins with hommus and tomato for breakfast

Buying a big box of fruit for $1 at the market then stewing it up with lots of spices (and lemongrass stalks from my old garden) to have with natural yoghurt for dessert

Homemade pasta (also from the market - I aint making pasta) with a tomato & vegetable sauce and fresh oregano from my friend's garden


Today I feel like shit. I am really going to have to push myself to go to the gym but I guess it must be done. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I want to do cardio but there isn't much choice on a Sunday apart from the treadmill. I was going to go to Spin class this morning but didn't get to sleep until 3.00 am last night so I didn't get up in time. Well I did wake up but I felt so tired, I went back to sleep. Maybe I'll go for a swim. My knees are getting sore again so a swim might be the best choice.

 

::23.7.05::

Crazy, wacking sizing stuff.

I was reading the other day that the average size in Australia is a 16. Who'd have thunk it? If you listen to the media and shit, you would think the average was around a size 10. Like when you see size charts, an average is around a size 12 and a 16 is normally an XL.

The article also said how most plus size models are a size 12-14, ie. that they are smaller than the average Australian woman. I hate that anyway. If you are selling plus size clothing, then get a frigging meaty model. They don't have to be a size 26 but at least a size 18 would be more realistic.

Shoppers want to see what the clothes will look like on them and you can't tell that by looking at an outfit that has been pinned in to fit a size 12 (cos the plus sizes don't come less than a 14).

It really shits me, especially with mail order catalogues, that they don't say what size the model is. I mean, if you knew that then you'd know if the clothes made her look thinner, fatter, whatever.

The whole concept of clothes sizing is insane anyway. You'd think that the idea of sizes is to standardise fittings, making it easier to shop but no way. If you are buying clothes made in some Asian sweat shop, they tend to be smaller fitting. Sometimes I wonder what these women think when they sit there all day running up size 26 dresses for us Westerns. It must be incredibly odd, to the point of being beyond conception, to think that people are that big when you are living in that kind of poverty.

Then you get the "flattery" sizes. The "oh wow, I fit into a size 12 when really I'm a size 18" sizing designed to part you from your money.

I hate it. I hate never knowing what size I'll take or if I'm getting fatter or thinner because the sizes vary so much. You'd think it would be a simple thing to stick to a standard size range so why don't manufacturers do it?

i wear size 18 pants, size 16 tops and size 14 jumpers/jackets. what the..?!

the differences between stores shits me too - why can't it be uniform?!

By Blogger rah, at 10:32 pm  

hear hear

Now throw in the whole Aus 16, UK 14, USA 12 conundrum into it. How are we supposed to dress ourselves?

By Blogger M, at 4:42 pm  

 

::22.7.05::

Recouping

My weight loss has ground to a halt over the past few weeks. I dunno if you can call it a plateau, to me a plateau is when you are eating the same and exercising the same but aren't losing whereas I think I've started to slip into bad habits. Damn those bad habits. People say it takes 21 days to create a new habit. I say phooey to that. I reckon it takes about a decade to create a new good habit and about 2 days to create a bad one. Anyway, I need to make some changes around here and these are my current thoughts:

Food - back to tracking. Without the food diary and the weighing and measuring, it's too easy to have just a little bit extra or that teeny snack you forget about. I'm never one to deny myself treats but treats have to be earned, otherwise an occasional treat becomes a daily treat, becomes a twice daily treat, becomes a gutload of lard.

Exercise - I've been good on the exercise, going to the gym six times a week and really pushing myself. The trouble is that I have been branching out into weights and pilates and all sorts of things. I need to get back into the cardio. Cardio burns fat. The other things should be on top of that, not instead. Today I've been thinking I need to vary my cardio. I am going insane on the treadmill. Possible options include Spinning class (it killed me last time but I'm fitter now), swimming which bores me stupid, deep water running (except the only class around here is at 6.05 am - yikes!) and ... mmm can't think of anything else. Oh that was it, circuit class. I like circuit class but don't know if it counts as cardio. I want to do cardio every day. Well at least 4-5 times a week.

Habits - I've got to stop the bad habits. Even when I'm losing weight, it's more through changing what I eat than how I ate. Binging on carrot sticks with low-fat yoghurt and sweet chilli sauce is still a binge. I'm never going to learn to eat properly if I don't change the "how".

That's enough changes for me for the time being. Anyway I think I need to add some positives now so this post isn't just a berating of myself for the things I do wrong. These are some of the good habits I've learnt, in less than a decade to boot:

Exercise: I'm going to the gym every day... well except today and Wednesday but I have good excuses for those days. Well, goodish. Shut up. And I have sore knees and a sore back. And I'm going to workout hard this weekend. So there. But for the past three months I've been doing six days a week. That is tops. Woohoo! Go me. The staff at the gym all know me by name and stop and chat. I'm like a permanent fixture there.

Habits: I have kicked that "all or nothing" attitude in the arse. I can binge and recover now. Not that it's necessarily a good thing, if you use that as an excuse to binge but even my binges are less binge-y now. I couldn't eat a Family sized block of Black Forest chocolate in one sitting (or could I? mmmm) whereas I used to eat one nearly every night.

Have you noticed how after you stop eating truckloads of fat then you have a fatty treat like say a sausage in battter cos you have been at class and it's late and you haven't had dinner and it's another half hour until the train comes, fat is really filling. Incredibly filling. I can't work out how I ate so much fat once. I must have been overflowing. Oh yeah. I was, overflowing my pants that is.

But I'm heading more to a 80/20 attitude now, with the 80 being healthy whereas once it was 20/80.

Food: Most of my food choices are healthy now. I have reduced the amount of meat and carbs I eat and bulked up the vegies. Once I'd cook up a big pot of rice to have with dinner (or pasta or whatever) because it's cheap and filling. That would be the main component of the meal. Last night I was making rice and cooked 1/3 cup to have with dinner then because I was freezing a portion for later, put half the rice with that. That is a big change.

So I guess the main focus is fine tuning and there's always fine tuning to be done. Oh yeah, and the other bad habit to break - weighing myself all the time. Got to stop that one.

I used to love those sausages in batter. Truth be told I probably still do but I haven't had one since I started getting healthier so not sure if I want to try it. In case I still love them..

I was nodding as you mentioned the rice and pasta. Me too. Our meals would be pasta, meat, sauce - no veg. Rice, meat, sauce - no veg. But now it is Veg, meat, maybe some carb but generally not. I love the way you address your issues and discuss them with yourself.

By Blogger M, at 4:40 pm  

Thanks M. Sausages in batter are not nearly as good as you remember, trust me. They are so fatty and they leave you with that fatty, coated tongue feeling. Yuck.

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 9:22 pm  

 

::21.7.05::

Rewards or Just Desserts

Lately I've been thinking, it isn't just enough to lose weight. It's important to be aware of how you want to lose it - not the "how" of what to eat or type of exercise or anything like that but the fundamental "how" of making your lifestyle fit with your life values.

There are a zillion roads to weight loss - I mean, I could drop a heap of weight by starving myself or popping diet pills or having a limb amputated - but that isn't really what I want to be doing. I've been down some of those fast lanes and they (obviously) haven't worked. I went to a doctor that kept me on speed pills and injections of god knows what; I tried not eating all day only to binge at night. I've never tried vomitting or laxatives but I've thought about it.

These aren't the roads I want to be on right now.

Even the sensible route involves decisions and options that need to aligned with your life values (I feel like a wanker using the term "life values" but I can't think of another way of saying it). The more I get to know myself, the better my decisions become for me and the easier they are to stick to.

In the past I've had other people "supervise" my weight loss - doctors or gym instructors or Weight Watchers leaders - and one thing I've discovered is that as soon as that supervisory role is delegated to someone else, I cheat. I have someone to cheat on so I do it. I delight in fooling them, tricking them by eating a little extra or skipping an exercise class. In a nutshell, I hate having anyone else tell me what to do.

This time, it's all me. If I cheat then I'm only cheating myself. Sure I've only ever cheated myself in the long term but I need to know, really know in my heart as well as my head, that there is only me. No one else cares. No one has the same investment in my life that I have. I'm the one that has to get my sorry butt to the gym every day, I'm the one who decides whether to have a chocolate bar or not, I'm the one that has to monitor my blood sugar. I can take a big poo when I weigh myself or suck in my gut when I measure but I'm not fooling anyone but myself.

Another value that matters to me is changing my behaviour long term (as they say, a lifestyle not a diet). I read on one of those sappy motivational posters recently - "Motivation is what gets you started, habit is what keeps you going" and that is what I'm aiming for at the moment. To make this a habit. That's a hard one. I was at the supermarket the other night and after months of this, still needed to read every label. I want to be able to walk in and know what yoghurt to buy, what cheese is the lowest in fat, which snacks are the best. I've got to work at it. I mean, I read the yoghurt labels every single time. Maybe I have to take a notebook and write down what I'm buying so I know for next time. Maybe I have to be more aware. You can spend an hour in the supermarket reading labels the first few times but hell, I've got a life to live and it don't involve Safeway, you know.

I need to make exercise a habit. At the moment I'm doing a lot, a real lot. I know I can't substain that. No way am I going to the gym every day for the rest of my life. Again, I have a life to lead. Next year I want to get into a writing course. That's two nights a week of no gym already. There are ways around that and I need to work them out now.

Yet another one is the whole concept of rewards for weight loss. I'm thinking this one through at the moment. For one thing, I like the idea of getting something nice for every 5 kilos lost or whatever but then I struggle with the thought behind it. Because basically when you reward yourself for weight loss, you are labelling your behaviour "good " or "bad". Why should I deny myself something nice just because I'm retaining fluid? Why should I get a treat because I've done a big poo this week? Those things affect weight loss as much as anything. What are you rewarding? The behaviour or the results of the behaviour? In the end, weight loss should be its own reward anyway. The beginnings of new muscles and being able to fit into new clothes and having clearer skin and shinier hair.

It all comes back to me. How do I want to live my life? I don't think there is a definitive answer to that, it's something I have to keep exploring but for this to work, I have to keep asking. I don't need to have the answers, I just need to have the questions.

God you sound just like me...all of this goes through my head too..

And I love how you write. You just get to the point, which is great!

By Blogger Jaykay, at 10:17 am  

Love this post. I went through this a while back when heaps of people posted challenges and rewards but I can't do it. My rewards are the results of my actions. Whether or not they involve doing a poo :) I feel that if I set myself a specific milestone reward challenge then I am more likely to cheat or to fail as it, like you said, terms my behaviour as good or bad and that just makes it all fall back under the term 'diet'.

I'm going to keep reading - I have missed a few posts :)

By Blogger M, at 4:36 pm  

 

Fat Book

I decided today that I'm going to start a scrapbook and fill it full of weight loss related things - articles, inspiring quotes, pictures of clothes I will wear when I'm thin - that kind of thing. I could do it online but I think it will be more personal on paper. It will also give me a diversion from eating. Two birds, one stone. Just the way I like to kill them.

 

::20.7.05::

I Don't Get It

You know what I don't understand, people who talk about the number of inches/centimetres they have lost. It's like if I measure myself at 3 points - breast, waist and hips, for example, and my hypothetical dieting identical twin measures herself at six points then on paper she could have lost double the centimetres I have although our weight loss is exactly the same.

Am I missing something here? Is there some standardise way to measure yourself? Standard measure points or something? I definitely thinking that measuring yourself is the way to go, it's just when i see someone has lost 50 cm all over, I don't know what that means.

I measure myself a lot of different points.

Neck
Upper Arm
Chest
Waist
Abdomen
Hips
Upper Leg
Calf

I love reading your blog too. I think you have a fantastic way of expressing yourself.

I think you are an amazing person!

By Anonymous Stacey, at 9:27 am  

Thanks Stacey :)

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 6:54 pm  

I measure in the same places as Stacey. It was on a sheet handed to me once upon a time. I think the measurements for me have been more of a motivational factor as opposed to a size thing because I can't very well say "Ooh I've lost 8cm off my calf - now I'm a size 16" LOL Doesn't work that way (dammit!)

By Blogger M, at 4:32 pm  

 

Guilt-free Guilt

I remember a while back reading a post on I am that girl now where she talks about (and I hope I paraphrase this right) how when we binge, it isn't just the binging we want but also the feelings of guilt and self-flagellation that come with the binge. I should link to the post but hey, you could find worse ways to spend an hour or two than reading through Meg's archives.

This definitely resonated with me. Binging and drinking - both bring that morning after remorse and self-hatred. I don't know why I do it but obviously some part of me has some kind of sick need to feel bad about myself. I crave that stuffed-to-the-gill-ness. Maybe it reinforces all the bad things I believe about myself and my own weakness. I don't know. Another thing to discuss with my counsellor.

Just to digress, on the counsellor thing, I've put off seeing the cousellor (how the hell do you spell that?) because my talk told me about this new Medicare plan you can get on if you have a chronic illness (eg. diabetes) that will cover things like the podiatrist, dietician, eye doctor and maybe the counsellor for weight issues. So hopefully that will be sorted soon.

Anyway, today I realised the best way to get all those post-binge feelings without the high calorie load of a binge. Jarrah Chocolatte. I've been a fan of this stuff in the past and seriously it is so rich that you feel like you have hogged out on mud cake or something equally as fattening and stomach filling. After a chocolatte, I'm turned off chocolate for a few days at least.

You know, I don't even like the stuff that much. I'm just addicted to the guilt.

Yep I know exactly where you're coming from!

By Blogger Jaykay, at 11:10 am  

 

::19.7.05::

Hungry Like The Wolf

People talk about emotional eating as a way of dealing with loneliness or depression or boredom - eating to fill that gaaping hole inside (and, I promise you, with what follows,there was no pun intended there at all).

See, one of the ways I've been dealing with comfort eating lately is to try to really get to the bottom of what I'm feeling. More than half my battle is identifying my emotions because I've repressed them for so long under an "I'm fine" attitude. I'm the queen of smiling and joking when my world is crumbling around me. My true feelings are buried deep down under many stratospheres of lard. It's like that episode of the Simpsons where Marge tells Liza to just keep pushing those feelings down.

Well the other night I was in prime binge mode. I was ready to eat the world. So I sat for a while with my emotions... not literally sat... I had a cigarette outside Melbourne Central and a deep think and got in touch with my true feelings. What I found was that I was just really, really horny.

Is that too much information? It's funny how it's okay for woman to say that they are depressed or any of those touchy-feely emotions but it's not so acceptable to say that you want, need, crave sex. But that was literally how I was feeling.

Sexual hunger can be intense and overwhelming. It can also tap into all those other emotions like boredom and loneliness. Especially loneliness. It's like when you crave chocolate. And what you really want is an exquisite handmade Belgian truffle served on a solid silver platter at the exact temperature. You aren't going to settle for that Reject shop low grade waxy stuff or the cheapo gritty shit. Maybe, if the craving is strong enough, you'll make do with a block of Cadbury's Fruit and Nut. It doesn't have to be perfect but it sure has hell isn't going to be the dregs either.

I was talking to my cousin recently and she said, "No guy is interested in a fat chick, unless it's the end of the night and they haven't found anyone else to have sex with" and, while I know that isn't always true, that there are lots of bigger women who have wonderful, caring men in their lives, I have to wonder where that sentiment came from. After all, my cousin and I grew up together and someone, somewhere has planted that seed in her mind. In my mind too, because as much as I resisted the idea, part of me was giving a little nod of agreement. And, to be honest, I haven't met many guys in my long years on this planet that would give me ammunition to argue.

The thought of actually going out and looking for sex or for love or companionship even feels me with dread. I feel too damaged to even try, to let a little bud of hope grow within only to have it stomped to pieces. Again.

I guess the thing is to question if that is a self-fulfilling prophesy - that by thinking being overweight makes you unworthy of love or affection or any kind of real relationship, I only attract the guys that treat me like that. I mean, people always say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else but I wonder. Is there a certain level of self-love that you acquire and it is like getting a passing grade? You are now ready for the real love?

At the bottom it isn't really a weight issue. The weight is just one barrier but not the major one. I've got to change my attitude, I know that. Work on my insides as well as my outsides. Maybe one day I'll get there. I hope so.
But none of that helps on a drizzly Melbourne Friday when I'm climbing the walls and have to go home to an empty room.

ps. I might not have got laid but I didn't binge either.

This is an excellent post. It grabbed me and I ended up reading everything on this page.

Well done for not binging and bad luck at not getting laid ;) Don't think there is anything wrong with saying you're horny. We all get horny from time to time. It's just some of us forget that that is the sensation we are feeling and eat instead. Well done for recognising the difference ;)

Hope you have a great day tomorrow. You write really well, a lot of insightful posting going on here..

By Blogger M, at 9:03 pm  

Thanks m :)

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 9:17 pm  

 

::18.7.05::

More of me

Tagged by Rah...


Three names I go by:
1. Kathryn
2. Bitchface
3. Kerrol

Three screen names I’ve had:
1. kathrynoh
(not 'fessing up to the others cos most other screen names are used for [unsucessfully] trolling for sex).

Three physical things I like about myself:
1. my ankles... i have very neat ankles
2. my eyes
3. my boobs

Three physical things I don’t like about myself:
1. belly
2. butt - I just have a back with a crack in it.
3. teeth... it's amazing how losing weight can make you focus on your other bad bits.

Three parts of my heritage:
1. Irish
2. English quakers
3. Tasmanina

Three things I am wearing right now:
1. PJ bottoms - white with big blue and purple dots (my fave colours). When I first bought these pjs I thought they were hipsters and that hipster pjs were kinda wrong. Now they almost reach my arm pits and if I don't tie the cord, they fall down.
2. Sox cos I haven't changed them from gym, gross I know but it's cold and I have wooden floorboards.
3. black top that is supposed to be thermal. Phht. I guess you can't expect too thermal for $8 at Preston Market.

Three favorite bands/musical artists :
1. Beth Orton
2. PJ Harvey
3. Flaming Lips

Three favorite songs:
1. Do you realise - Flaming Lips
2. Save Your Skin - Powderfinger
3. Sheela Na Gig - PJ

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. a man
that's it... I'm not fussy.

Two truths and a lie
1. My rockstar crush bought me a beer once
2. I won a trophie for disco dancing
3. I got banned for life from my favourite pub

Three physical things about the preferred sex that appeal to you:
1. Eyes
2. Butt
3. Smile

Three favorite hobbies:
1. Internet now I have it at home again
2. Gym (who'd have thought)
3. Shopping

Three things I want to do badly right now :
1. Get a more padded computer chair... this wooden one is no good on my butt
2. Eat
3. Have a massage

Three things that scare me:
1. Poverty and financial insecurity
2. Birds
3. Crazy people

Three of my everyday essentials:
1. Gym
2. Cigarettes
3. Diet Pepsi

Three Careers you have considered or are considering :
1. Writer
2. Accounting (yeah, seriously)
3. Artist - I did 3 years of art school

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. London - two of my best friends are there
2. New York to stay at the Chelsea Hotel
3. Japan

Three kids’ names you like:
Kids, damn don't wanna think about that.

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Get sex!
2. Get my novel published
3. Get out of debt

Three ways I am stereotypically a boy:
1. I talk dirty
2. I work in IT
3. I don't dance

Three ways I am stereotypically a girl:
1. I like shopping
2. I drink champagne
3. I love shoes

Three celeb crushes :
1. Jack White
2. Nick from Family Ties
3. That guy from that band

Three people I am tagging:
1. David
2.
3.

 

So

I went to the gym. I was talking to one of the instuctors and she said to make sure my knees and feet are in line when I walk on the treadmill. So I did and it really made a difference to my knees. I'm glad I went. The gym instructor and I were talking about how it's easy to make excuses and miss a night, then one night leads to two then three and next thing you know, you are spending your life on the couch (if you had a couch) watching telly (if you had a telly).

***

Sara Lee frozen raspberries are the shit. The packet is resealable so you can throw some on your icecream or in with your oatmeal for breakfast or in some pancakes if you make pancakes. I love raspberries maybe more than any other food on earth, with the possible exception of cheese. Speaking of cheese, I've been eating it after not having any for months. Cheese is great. I had a cheese and spinach and capsicum and mum's relish toastie for lunch with soup. Man I enjoyed it.

 

Obsession?

Should I go to the gym tonight? I feel like I should, I've been going at least 6 days a week and working out real hard. But tonight my body is rebelling... my knees are sore and my lower back catches with pain when I get up. This isn't the normal muscle soreness of working out but real soreness. A day's rest isn't going to hurt but still part of me feels like it is failure not to go. One day off and the whole program is going to go belly up. I could go swimming which would mean less wear and tear on the body, but it's cold out and getting awful late.

Sigh. I guess a day off it is.

 

::17.7.05::

Investing In Thin

I don't know about you, but in the past I've approached weight loss with a fair amount of superstition. Even though I'm the one doing the work and doing everything right, as I start to lose weight I cross my fingers and hold my breath and hope that it is going to keep happening, that some catastrophe of fate isn't going to bring the whole thing crashing down.

I've look at weight loss like investing on the stock market - relying on the up or downward swing from day to day. Lucky has played as much a part as any strategy or long term plan. So I've done things like getting weighed in only my knickers, stood on the edge of the scales with my feet turned out, gone to the toilet before getting weighed - all the tricks in the book. Because it has been what the scales say at a certain time that matters. That's the "sell, sell, sell" moment.

But I've been thinking about this analogy. Weight loss - long term anyway, is more like investing in the property market. You have to be in it long term to see results. And, as any astute investment advisor will tell you, you will always win if stick in for the long term. The good thing is that you win out in two ways when you invest in property - the immediate returns in rental income (or the rent that you aren't paying to someone else) and the capital growth. Which again is lot like long term weight loss - you get the day to day benefits - more energy, a better attitude to life and looser pants but you also get the long term thrills.

Just like getting a property evaluation done and finding out your house has doubled in value since you bought it, some things can only be measured over a long period of time. A few weeks ago I went to the doctor and had blood tests done. I'm a diabetic and need to get all that checked out regularly. I also had very, very, dangerously high cholestrol.

Yesterday I got the results of my tests - cholestrol normal, long term blood sugars (can't remember the proper name for the test) normal. The only thing that was abnormal was my vitamin B levels, a result of the diabetes medication.

Woohoo! This makes me so happy. This is the payoff, the jackpot. Lately I'd been feeling a bit uninspired. My life was feeling like just work and gym and fighting the urge to eat yummy things. I was focused on the short term, the immediate returns, the lower number on the scale.

After the visit to the doctor, I've re-realised why I'm doing this: not to look good in a pair of jeans (although I'd never knock that back) but to make sure I live a long and healthy life. A life with my eyesight and functioning kidneys and intact feet. I'm doing it. I'm really doing it. And I'm going to keep on doing it, regardless of any slip ups or stumbles along the way. I'm going to be thin and healthy.

 

::14.7.05::

Envy

I used to know a girl, lets call her F, who was a friend of some friends. F was gorgeous – tiny and petite. She dressed in designer clothes and was always immaculately groomed. She had many groovy friends who swooned to be invited to her birthday party at a Greville Street bar and told her just how fabulous she was. Whenever she was invited to dinner, she’d bring along elaborate confections she’d made herself –of mousse and praline and sculpted chocolate - as pleasing to the eye as to the palate. It never mattered how much she ate because she just couldn’t put on weight. F was quiet and calm without being dull and never had to make any effort to get attention. She knew when to dress up and when to dress down. She knew who was cool and what bars to go to and what drinks to drink.

F was everything I wasn’t. I hated her.

I hated her and envied her and wanted her dead in that way that only a fat girl can hate someone who has EVERYTHING. Because, as you know, a perfect body and good looks and expensive clothes and being able to eat without ever worrying about it – those things are everything. They are the difference between happy and sad; between success and failure and, sometimes even between good and evil (fat is ALWAYS evil, by the way). With these things I'd be happy. It was true because that's what I'd been told all my life.

At this time, F and I tended to be the only girls in a group of gay guys. Well, except her husband. Okay, maybe NOT except her husband but that is a whole other (although in some ways related) story. Thrust into each others company, I’d always feel like the raggy doll, the reject. I’d simmer and stew; competing with F was like running against an Olympic champion, a gold medalist. So I’d accept another slice of her chocolate mousse cake and pretend to smile while everyone complimented her on the cut of her sunfrock and how it hung so well.

I invited F to my birthday party but she had disappeared from social group for a while and I hadn’t expected her to turn up. She did, albeit late. She was listless, spending much of the night in the corner talking with a friend of mine.

The next day, I wanted to bitch about the seemingly perfect F to said friend, the only friend with whom I could bitch about her. But he stopped me. He stopped me with a question – had I noticed that F was wearing long sleeves? It had been a hot night.

It took a while for me to grasp what he was saying. F’s life was far from perfect. Her husband was leaving her, she’d lost her job. She was destitute, in debt and suffering from depression. Her husband had returned to their flat in the middle of the afternoon, believing she was at work, and found her in the bathtub with her wrists slashed.

A few weeks later, we were invited to F’s place for dinner. When we arrived, she was delighted to see us, funny and full of humour. Before we’d finished the main course, she’d mentally unravelled before our eyes. Whether it was the depression or the anti-depressants, I don’t know. She mumbled in incoherent sentences and dropped things and slumped on the couch. We helped her to bed and cleaned up the house.

We really didn’t know what to say to each other and left without mentioning what was going on.

The lesson, I guess, is pretty obvious. There is no point in envying anyone else, no matter how good their lives look from the outside. You don’t know what’s going on inside, you don’t know the hurt they feel, the pain they suffer. I’d like to get all twee and say that F later sat down with me and told me that she’d always envied me, that she found things in my fat, dishevelled life that she wanted. But seriously, that was never going to happen. She was still thin, she still had the designer clothes and she still had the perfect metabolism. She could make a dessert that looked like it came from a French patisserie.

Anyway, I’ve lost touch with F now. I’d like to think that she got it all back together and that she’s happy now. She was a nice girl and she deserves happiness - you can’t fully hate someone who makes a killer chocolate mousse cake. I’d like to think her life glows with all sparkly things she lost along the way. Evenso, deep down, I’d like to think that her metabolism ground to a halt and she’s stacked on 20 kilos. I might be wiser now but I'm no saint.

Hi there,
I somehow cam across this site. I have added to my links as I am in the same situation as you. Trying to loose weight.
I have some pictures on my blog.
Josie

By Blogger Josie, at 1:13 pm  

 

::10.7.05::

Maintain the Rage

The other day I eavesdropped on a conversation in the tea room at work. One of the girls (bonde and pencil thin) had lost 10 kgs on the The Program - I didn't get in early enough to hear what program she was referrring to - and her friend confirmed that she'd never seen drop weight so fast on The Program.

Of course, my lil diet obsessed ears pricked up. Then one of the girls asked this dieting miracle about exercise. Blondey scoffed at the thought. "Me? Exercise? The only exercise I get is walking to the car to drive somewhere."

"Bitch," I muttered as I walked back to my desk with my coffee. "Slut, mole, whore."

Then I thought about it. Is she really so lucky? Is this all exercise is for? To shift the bucketloads of lard off my frame? Well admitedly that's what got me going to the gym in the first place but it isn't the only thing.

Think about the reasons you have for losing weight - to get healthy, to look better on the outside, to feel better on the inside for starters. If you woke up tomorrow and, through some shift in the world's makeup, you were unable to ever lose or gain a kilogram of weight again in your life you'd still get those benefits from exercise.

So anyway, lately I've been big on the gym attendance, quite the gym bunny indeed. But these thoughts have got me questioning my exercise routing. Say you took the lard-moving properties out of exercise - what do I really enjoy?

I'd definitely keep the Pilates and Pump classes. They are my favourites. The first thing to go would be walking on the treadmill. The treadmill, phht. The most boring exercise in the universe. Like a hamster running in their wheel, it is totally pointless and mind-numbing. Weights I'm pretty neutral about.

Looking at exercise from this angle has really made me thinking about the enjoyment aspect. And maybe I'm getting to into this to even have an enjoyment aspect. I always thought exercise was something to be avoided at all costs. How we change. But yeah, I think to maintain any kind of exercise program you have to enjoy it. Dead obvious really. That's what all the magazines tell us. But when you are coming from a stance of no exercise you can't really work out what you enjoy because it's all bad. You have to get into the thick of it, sample it all then step back and think about it.

I'll keep on doing the treadmill for the moment. It burns fat and is convenient in the winter. But when I've lost some more weight and the weather is warmer the treadmill will be kissing my curvy (and hopefully toned) butt goodbye. Much better to walking in the sunshine or along the beach than inside a sweaty gym going nowhere. I like to walk but I have to have a destination, a purpose in it.

Another change I want to make is to develop skills to enjoy exercise more. I like to swim but get easily bored. This is because I can only doggie paddle or breast stroke and you look like a fool doing doggie paddle in the lap lanes so I usually kick with a kick board. If I increased my swimming reporteire then I'd be less bored and get a better workout.

I've also been thinking of team sports but that's going a bit too far.

"Bitch," I muttered as I walked back to my desk with my coffee. "Slut, mole, whore."

Okay, the word "mole" in that sentence almost made me spit out my iced tea... too funny. It never occurred to me to think of someone as a mole, but next time I'm in such a situation as it's warranted, I'll remember that one!

I think it's awesome that you are enjoying the gym... I've actually been able to enjoy it in the past, before we had to cancel our membership because of finances and more to the point, my knee. All I can currently do at the crappy (but expensive) little gym we'd belonged to IS the treadmill... and I can see how some find it boring, but I sort of liked the mindlessness of it. It meant I could listen to my music and daydream about where I "was" actually... I often would imagine I was out hiking in the desert or the mountains - with my husband and the kids I want so badly. I have a very vivid imagination, lol. I'd actually just close my eyes and let the fantasy take me away... that was why I liked the treadmill. There's also the part about not having much choice since nothing else they had worked for me ;).

Anyway, maybe next time you're suffering through the boredom, think of where you'd like to be, fitness wise... where will the better health allow you go or what will you do that you can't now?

Just a suggestion. Congrats on the realization that the gym isn't just about shedding "lard". :)

By Anonymous Mae, at 10:01 pm  

 

::6.7.05::

Mp3 Player

For quite a while now, I've been thinking about and talking about buying an MP3 Player. Not necessarily an Ipod but an MP3 player of some kind. I can totally justify my purchase - I need music to keep me motivated at the gym and when walking. When I used to borrow my son's Ipod, it really kept me going and going longer and harder (on the treadmill of course). Also an Ipod is rechargeable, so it would work out cheaper in the long run than buying say a discman and batteries. So, basically there is nothing to stop me from getting an MP3 player, right? Wrong.

See the thing is I decided to get the cheapest, nastiest MP3 player. I only need a 30-45 minute playlist to get through a gym workout so I don't need heaps of memory. And I could get that for under $100.

Then I thought some more. About how I ALWAYS buy myself the cheapest of anything. Even when I'm not trying to get my bills paid. Even when I can afford it. I have to justify any purchase by going cheap.

And suddenly this isn't just about MP3 players. This is about life and self-esteem and all those other things that tie into weight loss.

When I was a kid, my mum would spent lots of money on us for Christmas or birthdays then make us feel guilty because she couldn't afford it. Well me especially. My mum used to dump so many of our financial worries on me from the time I was about 10 years old, and we weren't even that badly off financial. Being a kid, I didn't realise that and I thought we were on the verge of bankruptcy all the time. So I never felt like I could ask for anything, never had unfettered joy in anything I was given. It was a constant cycle of extravagent spending then heavy guilt. And the worse bit was that most of the stuff we got was junk. It wasn't even stuff we wanted. I remember I wanted a good camera. That was all I wanted. I tried to tell my mum that I wanted one good thing instead of a whole swag of little knick-knacks but she didn't understand.

One year at Christmas, we got our usual presents but somehow my sister or I mentioned something about getting a trampoline so my parents went to the post-Christmas sales and got us one. Even those they "couldn't afford" and kept telling us we were so spoilt. If that wasn't bad enough, instead of getting the cheapo, reduced trampoline they intended to buy, we had to get a much expensive one so it would take my weight. Blerk. I remember sitting in the car on the way home, my forehead on the glass of the side window, staring out wishing they'd never bought the bloody thing and it would all just stop. No trampoline and no guilt.

So even now, I have these things ingrained in me - that I have to buy the cheapest and make do with that; that no purchase is without guilt. The whole stupid paradox here is that it is okay to buy stupid shit, cheap junk, to spend money you can't afford so long as you don't waste money.

I now know, in my head, that is okay to spend money on quality. But I don't feel it. I think that's why I'll go out and spend say $100 on shit that I don't need and deprive myself of the things I really do need (or want). I'm not in touch with my true wants.

I'm like that with food too. While I crave one thing, I'll make do with something else. And something else. And something else.

I think this is something that I will have to discuss with my counsellor when I see her.

I can't workout without my mp3 player, in fact when my ipod broke, that's what started me on my 18 month hiatus from the gym. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the ipod, my boyfriend got me a different brand that I think is much more user friendly and better :) Just look around and find something that you like!

By Blogger Jenniy, at 11:30 pm  

I am also not a big iPod fan. I hate the interface - but plenty of people love them, I see them everywhere. My husband loves his. I have a PDA/MP3 combo, which is great but doesn't hold much music.

I understand your struggle with those "ghosts" of the past very well... I've had to deal with that myself, not in the same context but still the fighting the old thoughts people would spew at me when I was too young to have all that dumped on me!

I hope you are able to work through it... therapy was very helpful to me, though eventually I decided I'd had enough for now. I'll be amazed if I get through the rest of my life without anymore, lol - but I'm much better adjusted than I used to be, and I do know how wonderful it can be!

Good luck, and hang in there!

By Anonymous Mae, at 3:54 am  

I think it is great that you can acknowledge how the past influences you now and also that you can see what pushes your buttons.
Take care and be good to yourself !
Me

By Blogger Me, at 4:08 pm  

I can so understand what you went through as a child. Been there too.

I remember one christmas I asked my mum if I could buy my own xmas presents so that I got what I wanted, rather than what she thought I wanted. I even wrapped the presents myself!!

Hope your counselling session goes well.

By Blogger Jaykay, at 9:55 am  

Hey I have a cheapo $99 MP3 player, you'd be crazy to buy anything more expensive! They do the same thing!

Gosh I am very much like you re: spending money on myself. Mum NEVER brought us anything (clothes wise) that was over $20 a piece when we were younger... My friends are all out buying expensive things now and I'm still at the $6 racks LOL because I could never "justify" spending over $20 on something for "myself"

Nicky
(www.miss-nicky.blog-city.com)

By Blogger Mucky, at 3:14 pm  

 

::3.7.05::

Food and stuff

Firstly, two really good snack ideas: carrot sticks with a dip made of low fat natural yoghurt mixed with sweet chilli sauce - very yum and the sweet chilli sauce is the most fattening part; the other is Peter's light and creamy individual serve icecreams (the kinda oblong ones) spread with a light layer of Weight Watchers Fruits of the Forest jam and them put between two wafers. A most excellent treat.

Secondly, I ate far too much last night. Far, far too much. You know it's a worry when you wake up still full from the night before. And how did this happen? Well I'm glad you asked. There is a resturant near my house, called the Moorocan Soup Bar. It is a policy of not allowing bookings for groups of less than six and it is extremely popular so when we got there last night, we were told there was a 2 hour wait. They had heaps of people on the wait list sitting around at the local bars already.

Normally we'd have gone somewhere else but we'd heard so much about this place and had all been meaning to go there for years so we decided to stick out the wait. We went to an absolutely fantastic bar down the street and had drinks. I decided to order something to nibble on so I wouldn't be too starved when we finally got dinner. A smart move except that I ordered a vintage cheddar platter, damnit. When we finally got back to the resturant and got our table, we decided on the banquet. The food was superb, well worth the wait, but we were so hungry we just scoffed it down. Scoffed. Like an industrial scoffing machine.

I find the hardest thing about vego food is knowing how much oil has been included. I guess with any resturant food. Vego food though is the hardest. Sometimes I think the best thing to do is to just eat it and not worry too much. But don't do it too often either. Next time I go out for a meal I must remember: to eat slowly, to drink lots of water, to savour my food.

Actally yesterday was bad eating day all day. Mostly through lack of preparation. I had a doctor's appointment at 9.00 and slept in so skipped breakfast. That ended up being most fortunitious because it meant I could go straight across the road to pathology for my fasting blood tests instead of having to do it before work. Trouble was, it was about 10.30 by the time I got finished with doctors and tests and stuff so I was starved. I couldn't even wait for brekkie at a cafe so I got an apple scroll at Brumbys bakery. I have no idea on the kjs or fat levels or anything there.

Then I went to Greensborough Plaza for some retail therapy and wardrobe restocking, forgetting that I hate shopping centres. I had my #1 pet shopping hate come up in Target. I got a cardigan, a lovely green-blue snuggle cardi off the Under $25 rack but it had no tag on it. When I got to the checkout I told the girl it had been on the under $25 rack so I had to wait around for about half hour for the price checks etc. Grrrr! Of course, it ended up that the cardi was on the wrong rack. That always happens to me at sales. ALWAYS. I am tempted to think the stores do it on purpose. Anyway, the cardi was only $28. If I had known the price checking process was going to take so long I'd have just paid the $28 and had some peace and quiet.

I seriously go into meltdown at shopping centres. I have about an hour/hour and a half window of sane time then I shut down. It is quite awful. I can't think, can't make decisions, can't focus. So half hour of my shopping time wasted is a big pain for me. So, just as I was starting to flake, I kept walking past Pretzel World with their big hot dog in a pretzel promotion. Hot dog in a pretzel. How good does that sound. No matter where I went in that shopping centre I could see it. In the end I went to Pretzel World and got a 98% fat free pretzel. Again, I don't know how much sugar or other crap was in it but it had to be better than the hot dog in a pretzel for sure.

The upshot of this rather rambling post, I guess, is that for some people dieting is about making the best choice at all times. I mean, I could have packed a salad or a healthy snack for the shopping centre. I could have pre-prepared breakfast. But, for me, I'm never going to be that person. I'm never going to live my life to diet. Bugger that. I've spent this long living my life to eat...I'm not going to replace an obsession with food with an obsession for dieting or exercising or anything like that. Sometimes real life is about making the best possible decision in the circumstances (or not even the best but the best you can live with). Make the decision then live with it. I had a great time last night, I ate, drank and enjoyed myself. I'll make sure I put in some extra time at the gym today but other than that, I feel no stress at all.

***

As I mentioned above, I went to the doctor's yesterday. I had my blood sugar levels and cholestrol tested for the first time since I started making chances to my diet and exercise. I'm every keen to the see how these are changed. My next appointment is on Saturday, and I'm hoping for some very good news. My doctor also gave me a referral to a diet counsellor so I'm excited about that as well.

Well done on making the best decision that you could at the time - that is definitely a step in the right direction !
Take care and have a great day !
Me

By Blogger Me, at 2:03 pm  

 

stats:

current weight:
76.6 kg

start weight:
110.1 kg

total loss:
33.5 kg

goal weight:
70 kgs

 

measurements:

boobs: 100 cm

waist: 81 cm

hips: 109 cm

thighs: 50 cm

 

Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama

Week 1 - Drink more water

Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats

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