I remember a while back reading a post on I am that girl now where she talks about (and I hope I paraphrase this right) how when we binge, it isn't just the binging we want but also the feelings of guilt and self-flagellation that come with the binge. I should link to the post but hey, you could find worse ways to spend an hour or two than reading through Meg's archives.

This definitely resonated with me. Binging and drinking - both bring that morning after remorse and self-hatred. I don't know why I do it but obviously some part of me has some kind of sick need to feel bad about myself. I crave that stuffed-to-the-gill-ness. Maybe it reinforces all the bad things I believe about myself and my own weakness. I don't know. Another thing to discuss with my counsellor.

Just to digress, on the counsellor thing, I've put off seeing the cousellor (how the hell do you spell that?) because my talk told me about this new Medicare plan you can get on if you have a chronic illness (eg. diabetes) that will cover things like the podiatrist, dietician, eye doctor and maybe the counsellor for weight issues. So hopefully that will be sorted soon.

Anyway, today I realised the best way to get all those post-binge feelings without the high calorie load of a binge. Jarrah Chocolatte. I've been a fan of this stuff in the past and seriously it is so rich that you feel like you have hogged out on mud cake or something equally as fattening and stomach filling. After a chocolatte, I'm turned off chocolate for a few days at least.

You know, I don't even like the stuff that much. I'm just addicted to the guilt.