People talk about emotional eating as a way of dealing with loneliness or depression or boredom - eating to fill that gaaping hole inside (and, I promise you, with what follows,there was no pun intended there at all).

See, one of the ways I've been dealing with comfort eating lately is to try to really get to the bottom of what I'm feeling. More than half my battle is identifying my emotions because I've repressed them for so long under an "I'm fine" attitude. I'm the queen of smiling and joking when my world is crumbling around me. My true feelings are buried deep down under many stratospheres of lard. It's like that episode of the Simpsons where Marge tells Liza to just keep pushing those feelings down.

Well the other night I was in prime binge mode. I was ready to eat the world. So I sat for a while with my emotions... not literally sat... I had a cigarette outside Melbourne Central and a deep think and got in touch with my true feelings. What I found was that I was just really, really horny.

Is that too much information? It's funny how it's okay for woman to say that they are depressed or any of those touchy-feely emotions but it's not so acceptable to say that you want, need, crave sex. But that was literally how I was feeling.

Sexual hunger can be intense and overwhelming. It can also tap into all those other emotions like boredom and loneliness. Especially loneliness. It's like when you crave chocolate. And what you really want is an exquisite handmade Belgian truffle served on a solid silver platter at the exact temperature. You aren't going to settle for that Reject shop low grade waxy stuff or the cheapo gritty shit. Maybe, if the craving is strong enough, you'll make do with a block of Cadbury's Fruit and Nut. It doesn't have to be perfect but it sure has hell isn't going to be the dregs either.

I was talking to my cousin recently and she said, "No guy is interested in a fat chick, unless it's the end of the night and they haven't found anyone else to have sex with" and, while I know that isn't always true, that there are lots of bigger women who have wonderful, caring men in their lives, I have to wonder where that sentiment came from. After all, my cousin and I grew up together and someone, somewhere has planted that seed in her mind. In my mind too, because as much as I resisted the idea, part of me was giving a little nod of agreement. And, to be honest, I haven't met many guys in my long years on this planet that would give me ammunition to argue.

The thought of actually going out and looking for sex or for love or companionship even feels me with dread. I feel too damaged to even try, to let a little bud of hope grow within only to have it stomped to pieces. Again.

I guess the thing is to question if that is a self-fulfilling prophesy - that by thinking being overweight makes you unworthy of love or affection or any kind of real relationship, I only attract the guys that treat me like that. I mean, people always say that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else but I wonder. Is there a certain level of self-love that you acquire and it is like getting a passing grade? You are now ready for the real love?

At the bottom it isn't really a weight issue. The weight is just one barrier but not the major one. I've got to change my attitude, I know that. Work on my insides as well as my outsides. Maybe one day I'll get there. I hope so.
But none of that helps on a drizzly Melbourne Friday when I'm climbing the walls and have to go home to an empty room.

ps. I might not have got laid but I didn't binge either.