iDiet

[a weight loss story]

*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*

::6.7.05::

Mp3 Player

For quite a while now, I've been thinking about and talking about buying an MP3 Player. Not necessarily an Ipod but an MP3 player of some kind. I can totally justify my purchase - I need music to keep me motivated at the gym and when walking. When I used to borrow my son's Ipod, it really kept me going and going longer and harder (on the treadmill of course). Also an Ipod is rechargeable, so it would work out cheaper in the long run than buying say a discman and batteries. So, basically there is nothing to stop me from getting an MP3 player, right? Wrong.

See the thing is I decided to get the cheapest, nastiest MP3 player. I only need a 30-45 minute playlist to get through a gym workout so I don't need heaps of memory. And I could get that for under $100.

Then I thought some more. About how I ALWAYS buy myself the cheapest of anything. Even when I'm not trying to get my bills paid. Even when I can afford it. I have to justify any purchase by going cheap.

And suddenly this isn't just about MP3 players. This is about life and self-esteem and all those other things that tie into weight loss.

When I was a kid, my mum would spent lots of money on us for Christmas or birthdays then make us feel guilty because she couldn't afford it. Well me especially. My mum used to dump so many of our financial worries on me from the time I was about 10 years old, and we weren't even that badly off financial. Being a kid, I didn't realise that and I thought we were on the verge of bankruptcy all the time. So I never felt like I could ask for anything, never had unfettered joy in anything I was given. It was a constant cycle of extravagent spending then heavy guilt. And the worse bit was that most of the stuff we got was junk. It wasn't even stuff we wanted. I remember I wanted a good camera. That was all I wanted. I tried to tell my mum that I wanted one good thing instead of a whole swag of little knick-knacks but she didn't understand.

One year at Christmas, we got our usual presents but somehow my sister or I mentioned something about getting a trampoline so my parents went to the post-Christmas sales and got us one. Even those they "couldn't afford" and kept telling us we were so spoilt. If that wasn't bad enough, instead of getting the cheapo, reduced trampoline they intended to buy, we had to get a much expensive one so it would take my weight. Blerk. I remember sitting in the car on the way home, my forehead on the glass of the side window, staring out wishing they'd never bought the bloody thing and it would all just stop. No trampoline and no guilt.

So even now, I have these things ingrained in me - that I have to buy the cheapest and make do with that; that no purchase is without guilt. The whole stupid paradox here is that it is okay to buy stupid shit, cheap junk, to spend money you can't afford so long as you don't waste money.

I now know, in my head, that is okay to spend money on quality. But I don't feel it. I think that's why I'll go out and spend say $100 on shit that I don't need and deprive myself of the things I really do need (or want). I'm not in touch with my true wants.

I'm like that with food too. While I crave one thing, I'll make do with something else. And something else. And something else.

I think this is something that I will have to discuss with my counsellor when I see her.

I can't workout without my mp3 player, in fact when my ipod broke, that's what started me on my 18 month hiatus from the gym. Personally, I'm not a big fan of the ipod, my boyfriend got me a different brand that I think is much more user friendly and better :) Just look around and find something that you like!

By Blogger Jenniy, at 11:30 pm  

I am also not a big iPod fan. I hate the interface - but plenty of people love them, I see them everywhere. My husband loves his. I have a PDA/MP3 combo, which is great but doesn't hold much music.

I understand your struggle with those "ghosts" of the past very well... I've had to deal with that myself, not in the same context but still the fighting the old thoughts people would spew at me when I was too young to have all that dumped on me!

I hope you are able to work through it... therapy was very helpful to me, though eventually I decided I'd had enough for now. I'll be amazed if I get through the rest of my life without anymore, lol - but I'm much better adjusted than I used to be, and I do know how wonderful it can be!

Good luck, and hang in there!

By Anonymous Mae, at 3:54 am  

I think it is great that you can acknowledge how the past influences you now and also that you can see what pushes your buttons.
Take care and be good to yourself !
Me

By Blogger Me, at 4:08 pm  

I can so understand what you went through as a child. Been there too.

I remember one christmas I asked my mum if I could buy my own xmas presents so that I got what I wanted, rather than what she thought I wanted. I even wrapped the presents myself!!

Hope your counselling session goes well.

By Blogger Jaykay, at 9:55 am  

Hey I have a cheapo $99 MP3 player, you'd be crazy to buy anything more expensive! They do the same thing!

Gosh I am very much like you re: spending money on myself. Mum NEVER brought us anything (clothes wise) that was over $20 a piece when we were younger... My friends are all out buying expensive things now and I'm still at the $6 racks LOL because I could never "justify" spending over $20 on something for "myself"

Nicky
(www.miss-nicky.blog-city.com)

By Blogger Mucky, at 3:14 pm  

 

stats:

current weight:
76.6 kg

start weight:
110.1 kg

total loss:
33.5 kg

goal weight:
70 kgs

 

measurements:

boobs: 100 cm

waist: 81 cm

hips: 109 cm

thighs: 50 cm

 

Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama

Week 1 - Drink more water

Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats

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