It sucks not having the internet at home. I think of so many things I want to say then I get to the net cafe and my head is blank.

Firstly, big kudos to me. I had a chocolate craving today, a big chocolate craving and ended up at the munchie machine at work. Normally, if I have to have a chocolate snack, I get the twin pack of mini Toblerones... thinking I can leave one for another day. One mini Toblerone has about 800 kjs so it isn't really so bad. Of course I always eat both Toblerones. I finish the first one and know the second one is sitting in my drawer, the awareness screams in my head, crying out for satisifaction. Well today I got the Toblerone twin pack, ate the first one then ignored the screaming. It was hard, let me tell you. As hard as any resistance to temptation can be.

I waited ten minutes and then realised I really didn't want the second Toblerone. I didn't have to resist. The first mini Toblerone had been more than enough to cure any cravings and was, in fact, a bit sickly.

It was a moment of triumph. A truly glory filled moment.

Now, before you think ... 'well she coulda just had NO Toblerones and been any stronger' (I know, too late, you already thunked it, didn't you) I want to say this - for me it is far easier to have no Toblerones or no chocolate than to have some and not eat it. I've never been the type to hoard chocolate. When I read a diet book and they say to throw out all the chocolate and fattening foods in your house, I think 'der... if I could have that stuff in my house and NOT eat it, then I wouldn't need your stupid diet.'

When I was visiting my mum a few weekends ago, my cousin and I were talking about the book, "I can make you thin". One of the exercises in it is to always leave some food on your plate. My cousin had been following his book and had a helping of pavlova (so did I but it was miniscule and it is my fave dessert - go me). She was stuffed after the huge lunch but she told me that the spoonful of leftovers in her bowl were absolutely killing her. She wanted to scoff them down then lick the bowl clean. I know that feeling only too well.

So, what I'm saying, is that for me, this feels like a personal victory over one of my food demons.

Anyway, I was going to talk about clothes. I am getting to that borderline plus / regular size in clothing and have realised that I've never shopping in regular clothing stores. Ever.

This is fine in chain stores like KMart and Target but when it comes to other stores, I don't know what size range they carry. I still feel like if I go into those kind of stores, a booming God-like (or maybe Big Brother-like) voice will come down from the heavens declaring to everyone that a FAT PERSON is in the store. I'm scared that I won't be allowed to try on clothes. I'm terrified that I'm just kidding myself and no way can I ever shop anywhere that doesn't proclaim the virtures of the plus size (have you noticed that.. the plus size section always has names like "Big is Beautiful"... yeah of course big is beautiful to department stores - big sizes = big prices.. they love that).

A while back, I got a pair of Jeans West jeans from the Op Shop. I've been trying them on every so often. They still don't fit comfortably. Then, the other day, I measured them up against the jeans I do wear. There isn't that much difference in size. I'm starting to think that the Jeans West jeans will never fit me - not because I'll never lose the weight but because the cut is wrong for my shape. By the time they fit in some places, they'll be too big in other places. Damn it. I'll keep trying them and if I have no luck, they might go on ebay.

On the topic of clothes, if you are in Melbourne or Sydney and looking for some great clothes check out Towanda. I went into their Melbourne shop a few weeks ago, just browsing, and ended up trying on half the shop. They are designer clothes with designer prices but I'm starting to appreciate the difference between wearing a funky, well made skirt to work and wearing a $20 KMart one. I heard a quote once, can't remember who by, but have always loved it:

The being well-dressed gives a feeling of well-being that even religion is powerless to bestow.