I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I have lost all the motivation I used to have and, although I try to do the right thing, I find myself slipping back into bad habits.

It's like there's the good Kathryn, the one who wants to eat right and exercise, and then there's the bad Kathryn. Bad Kathryn likes to loll around the house and eat chocolates and deep fried lard. Bad Kathryn eats until she's stuffed then keeps on eating just for the sake of it. Bad Kathryn curls over and goes back to sleep when the alarm goes off.

Right now good Kathryn and bad Kathryn are fighting it out for control of my life, like two huge Sumo wrestlers struggling in my brain. Pushing against each other, trying to pin the other one down and declare victory.

To make it even worse, I'm getting sick but I don't know if I'm really sick or if it's just bad Kathryn telling me I'm sick as an excuse to stay home from the gym. I can't trust my own instincts any more. I am so confused.

Last night I went to a friend's farewell party. I was going to do a workout during the afternoon so I could indulge without guilt. But then I was feeling sick so I decided to go back to bed. Since I was too sick to drink, I would compromise by going to the party but not drinking and not eating too much. Well I didn't drink. I ate. And I ate. And I ate. I was one piggy lil mofo. I ate until I was full. I kept eating. Bad Kathryn doesn't need alcohol to overindulge. At one stage, I decided to have a orange juice and soda water - good choice, yes. But then I had to help myself to a jam tart (covered in whipped cream) on the way passed. Damn me.

So today I was going to rest up and just eat soup but I came over to my son's place and he had a big packet of biscuits and I've been picking away without even meaning to, stuffing myself.

Good Kathryn is crying out... I'm going to undo all my hard work. I'm going to ruin it. Good Kathryn is trying her hardest but, at the moment, bad Kathryn is winning.