I've been reading back over my archives from when I started losing weight in February and found this:

About ten years ago, I lost a lost of weight and was doing aerobics every day. I looked good there for a while. I see photos now of me at that time and I'm a babe. I had great legs. I want to find one of those photos and stick it on the fridge for inspiration.

But, the sad thing is, I remember how I felt around that time. I didn't feel attractive or gorgeous. I didn't feel a sense of achievement at the changes in my body. I didn't dwell me at the point I was at. Instead my entire focus was on how much further I had to go with my weight loss.I don't want to do that now.

While I have goals that I want to achieve, I don't want to live my life as an unfinished project waiting for the day that scales tell me I am acceptable. I want to be the best I can be at every point along the way.

I'm glad I read back over that because I feel like that is the place I'm in again at the moment. My self esteem swings like a pendulum. When I compare myself to how I once was, then I feel great. I've lost 16 kilograms this year and that's a big deal. I've got my cholestrol and blood sugar back to a normal, healthy range. I exercise everyday. I should be proud of all that.

Then the pendulum swings, and I compare myself to how I want to be. The gym is the worst - all those mirrors. When you see yourself mid-exercise, with a gut of fat being squished up, it is hard to feel good about yourself. In pump class yesterday, we had a new woman start. She said she hadn't exercised for ages but still she was doing much better than me and I've been doing the class for weeks now. Mostly it was the exercises where you use your own body weight that were my downfall - the tricep dips (satan's own exercise) and calf raises. But hey, I'm behind the 8 ball before I start, I have heaps more body weight to support.

I hate it sometimes. I hate it when the gym instructors do that friendly supportive thing. The "let's encourage the fat girl" thing. I've been copping that one since PE class at high school. I guess they think they are doing the right thing but I don't want to be different. I don't want to be given the easier version of the exercise. I don't want to be singled out for support. That just makes me feel worse.

Aw jees, I've been feeling bad lately. Let me tell you. I've not been losing weight. I've not being losing measurements either. I feel like raging to the universe - "what else do you want me to do? Aren't I doing enough?" I'm sure the universe has some thoughts on my eating patterns and the amount of incidental exercise to share with me. Still I'm doing all that I can. I'm starting to get sore knees and a sore back yet I don't want to cut down on my gym load because I'm scared. If I'm not losing weight now, what's going to happen if I exercise less?

If I was reading someone else's weight loss blog, and they were all discouraged because their weight had plateaued, I'm sure I'd be full of encouraging words for them. I know the words, I know that this isn't forever, that's it's just a pitstop on the road to victory but I don't feel that. It feels like a punishment, an atonement for every piece of food I put in my mouth.

So back to my February post, I think I am doing what I did last time I lost weight. I'm focusing on the goal, thinking that I need to be at a "normal" weight to be happy and successful. I also think that I am too into the whole diet/exercise mind frame. I need other things in my life. I need to enjoy being who I am today, not the person I'm going to be some time down the track. I need a hobby that isn't going to the gym or working out kilojoules in food or reading or writing about these things. I've got to get on my life, the life of a non-fat person. I don't know how to do that, but I'm working on it.