Today is weigh in day: 89.4 kilos. Woohoo! 20.7 kilograms gone forever.

Yikes, I can't even write "gone forever" without having this nagging voice that says, "well maybe not forever." I need to get a big stick and bash that voice until it shuts the hell up.

When I started this blog, in June 2003, I had a simple plan - I would lose 20 kilograms in 20 weeks. Boy, was I naive. That resolution dwindled away to nothing real fast. I started again in February this year and had another plan. I'd lose 20 kilograms then maintain that for a few months then start on the next 20 kilograms. That seemed achievable.

Along the way, I had some huge issues come up in my personal life. See, earlier this year, I got into some financial trouble. I do contract work and that dried up for quite a while. Then I got behind on my rent (I was paying more rent than I could comfortably afford anyway). Around this time, I was really focused on weight loss. Everything else in my life was going crazy and I was very depressed but the weight loss was something I could control. It was a whole new way of dealing with problems for me.

Then things got worse - I got evicted from my home and my son and I had nowhere to live and still no chance of working. To make life even easier, my car broke down. I walked out of my old house, taking only the things I thought we needed. I felt so bad about that but I had no time to pack properly. All my time and energy needed to be directed toward finding somewhere else for us to live.

I put the weight loss on hold until I got everything sorted. With lots of support, financial and roof-over-head-ial and shoulder-to-cry-on-ial from my family and friends, I found a place for my son close to his uni and a temporary solution for me. Meanwhile, I got offered a contract role for 3 months that paid rather well (since then, the contract has been extended until the end of December, which will let me get some savings built up).

The "on hold" part of my diet kept going. I moved into my temporary accomodation - a room in a share house, with no computer, no phone, no telly and my car not working. Hell, the first weekend after I moved in, I realised that my son had forgotten to pack the cord for my stereo. All I had for entertainment was my clock radio. I made excuses to do things after work, delaying that moment I'd have to walk into the door of my bleak room. That was the hardest moment of the day. I'd always loved that moment of homecoming - the tiny rituals - greeting my son and finding out about his day, opening the mail, checking my email. But, at my temporary place, I had none of those. I'd walk in the door and that would be it. No one to say hello to, nothing.

It took a lot to find my momentum again. I think that was a pivotal time for me. I had all the reasons in the world to comfort eat and put off restarting my efforts for a bit longer and a bit longer until I'd regained all the weight I'd lost. But instead I decided enough was enough. I had to get back into it. Luckily I have a great (and very cheap - $4 a visit) gym near my new home.

It's taken a while but things are really coming together. The "temporary" solution is starting to become home. I think I'll live here for a while longer. I have things - a computer and the internet, a television (that isn't actually tuned in but I can watch dvds on it - I've never had my own dvd player before, I used to use my son's playstation). My car is working fine (touch wood, although it needs a service).

I feel like I've made it. I'm out of the woods, the evil monster slain. I really want to celebrate these first 20 kilograms gone. It isn't just a weight loss victory, but a victory over all that shit life has thrown at me this year. I haven't just survived it, but I've survived it and come away stronger. Not just lighter, but mentally stronger too.

ps. at lunchtime today, that pretty red notebook will be *mine*.