When I was growing up, my dad often had all his blokey friends around for drinks on a Sunday night. I remember one time laying in bed, listening to them talk about a woman they knew:

She'd got so fat that no man would go out with her now, they'd just root her.

That really hit me hard, the thought that I'd grow up to be the one that was so fat no one would go out with me. I'd be the one that men would 'just root'. I think it struck me hard because I'd never heard guys talk that way before - that someone was only good for sex.

Suddenly all those comments of - 'if you lost weight you could have any guy you want' and 'you'd be beating them off with a stick' took an ugly turn. Suddenly I turned that around and saw the reverse side.

When I was 19 I really liked a guy. We hung out together a bit until one night we were out drinking - him with his friends, me with mine, not together - and I approached him. He told me he didn't want me hanging around. I asked him why and he told said - well it's like this, maybe if you went to Jenny Craig for a while you could hang around.

When I was in my mid 20s I really liked a guy. We were great friends and everything seemed to be going ok. Very slowly but ok. Then the friend that introduced us told her husband that I liked this guy. Her husband's reaction - he won't go out with Kathryn, he only likes dollybirds.

Oh, there are a million more stories like that.

Once you get into a frame of mind, it's like everything in life confirms it. Jokes about something being 'like fucking a fat chick - it feels good but you don't want your friends to find out', being chatted up when the pub is closing because you're the last option or the worst - being invisible. Feeling like you are so fat you don't even exist.

I'd like to be able to say that I grew up and got over that way of thinking, that I met some wonderful man who changed my way of thinking, but I never have.

I've hidden away in various places just to avoid even the possibility. Why put myself out there just to risk rejection? It's easy to bury myself in work and study and busyness so I have the excuse of no time. Easier to go out with gay friends where there is no chance of meeting someone then complain because the only men I meet are gay.

I constantly read stories of people who have lost weight and thank their loving partners for their support. I wonder where they find men like that. I question if they exist. Maybe I've been too damaged by things in my past. Now I expect the rejection, the hurt, the comments and I guard myself against them.