iDiet

[a weight loss story]

kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au

::22.2.06::

I Need Sleep

I've been a tired, miserable, cranky bitch lately and a tired, miserable, cranky me is an eating me. I got tempted by the nougat again today. It's my nemesis, I tells ya.

A whole bunch of prickly little irritations landed in my lap today - nothing earth shattering, but enough to have me grouchy. I thought I'd get some Dole money today cos my working has been so irregular but nope. Zilch. Which left me just enough to pay the rent with NOTHING left over. I grabbed a lasagne out of the fridge for lunch and spend my $2 coin that I keep for the gym lockers on train fare, then I thought bugger it and spend $20 of my rent money on cigarettes and fruit (it was a small lasagne and I was starving).

Also, I've been waiting for people to get back to me about references with little luck. There is one guy I want to use since he's with the same company that I'm applying for the new job with, but I haven't seen him for 18 months so for all I know he's moved on.

And I found out my course started this week not next so I missed classes.

Tomorrow has got to be better. Well it's pay day for starters *grin*.

***

I've been thinking deeply about stuff lately. Like my running. It's so exciting for me to run because I've never run before. Maybe when I was a young kid, but even in high school, if we had PE and had to run laps, the teacher would look me up and down then say "you can walk it". I wasn't even encouraged to try. I think PE teachers should have to learn the correct way to deal with the fat kid - mostly they either go for ridicule (cos that is so successful in changing people's behaviour) or ignoring them completely. Of course, I never had any desire to run but maybe, if I was encouraged and told I could do it, I might have.

I've also been thinking about being close to my goal. It's scary and it's a place I never thought I'd be. There is a difference between growing up fat and putting on weight when you get older. Not that it makes things easier or harder, just that you don't have any concept of yourself as anything but fat. Fat is what you are.

If you are born with curly hair, you can straighten it with a hair straightener or an iron for a time but you you don't have straight hair: you have curly hair that is straightened.

That's what being fat has been like to me all my life. I could start a diet, I could exercise, but I always thought I'd be a fat person. It has been part of me, sometimes all of me. The fat girl. The one who doesn't run unless there is a shoe sale, the one who has a healthy appetite, the one who drinks her own weight in margaritas (and that's a lot of margaritas, trust me). The one who jokes and laughs and is the life of the party... for a while.

There are things you can't be when you are fat - like wistful or ethereal or dainty. You put those things aside and take up the ones you can be. Smart and mouthy and funny, they go with fat.

Who am I? I think that's a question a few people have been asking lately. Not about me, obviously but about themselves. I don't know who I am. I have no idea who I can be or what I'm capable of.

Sometimes I feel like I've forced myself into a mold - fat and unlovable. I have my work cut out for me there, I think.

Lately, I've been reading Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office. It's really opened my eyes to a lot of things that have happened in my work life, things that have spilt into my personal life and shaped my whole concept of myself. I'm realising that people have made me believe I'm crap because they get something out of that, not because I really am crap.

I have always had this naive belief about work - if I turned up and did well, people would notice and I'd be rewarded for that. When that didn't happen, I shut myself off. I'd not be present - physically or otherwise - and that would esculate the situation. I've done a lot of foolish things - say if an error was made and I was partly to blame. I'd take the blame, figuring the other people involved would take responsiblity for their share. Ha. Never happens.

Sadly, the corporate world isn't about being nice, or being adult. I don't want to learn to play stupid political games but I do need to stand up for myself. I need to value myself and value the work I do and I need to communicate that to others.

Damn it, I'm good at what I do. But no one knows if I don't say. And if I don't take credit for my own achievements then someone else will.

So, the other thing I've been thinking about is sacrifices. I've been getting down because I have no money, but tonight I realised that no one has everything. No matter who you are.

It isn't about having a life where everything is perfect and right. It's about deciding on what's important to you and then ensuring you have that. If you have kids, you give up a lot. You give up a lot if you don't too. There is no right or wrong. You can have money or you can have time, unless you are really lucky. My sister has money and a great job, but she works hours that I never could and would never want to. My other sister has no money and is reliant on my mum, but she has the time to do the things she wants. I'm floundering between the two. I'm floundering on many fronts.

I'm going to start by not regretting the things I don't have but making sure the sacrifices I make in this life are decided by me and not thrust apon me. I think the starting place is to have a clear idea of my values - everything else springs from that.

# 10 comments * Post a Comment

They say that if you offered people a million dollars to permanently put on 20 kg most people would say no thanks. So maybe you were happy to work a few less weeks over summer, cos that has given you a little extra time to exercise and get to the mid 70's weight wise.
But apparently the average woman has wages that are only about 70 percent of the average guys, and also it is hard to afford child care or even find good child care, and we all know that teenagers need our time as well, so it must have been hard to get ahead financially while being on your own bringing up a son over the last few years. Now you are fee to move ahead but it can be hard to negotiate a good deal for yourself when you have to focus on getting some work just to pay for basic necessities.
There are a lot of things you want to achieve in life, and i hope you put on that cute new work skirt or your workout gear, and do it in style. i also hope some wonderful things come your way, and i do not just mean nougat.
Some people reward themselves with a small treat at the end of the day, provided they have done their workouts. You have been very strict on yourself, and so hope you find a happy medium for you.

By Anonymous, at 12:05 am

A pretty full-on post there...and a very interesting read. Yours generally are. Your posts are both catchy and punchy with a natural, conversation-like flow - any chance you could roll a lot of this stuff into a book and be happy with it? Really just a matter of editing.

The main thing in my life that's mine to control is uni, and if that's going badly, so does everything else. But by the same token, success in that area is the perfect all-round pick-me-up. I work part-time so that I have time for uni, then a week passes in the blink of an eye and I have done nothing to contribute to my own academic future - WTF??!

Could you take the approach that you don't care about work, and focus your energies on things you find fulfilling? Do you ever pick an ideal state of being and then work backwards, step by step, until you get to where you are today? I find that a good way of making seemingly large obstacles doable.....now, if only I could do the same with weight loss!!

I look forward to your next read.

By CaramelKitKat, at 12:09 am

Thank you for another interesting read - you always raise such relevant points.
I think that, while the issues are yours, there are many of us who can relate them to circumstances in our own lives - for me it is always good to know that I am not the only one who has battled with something, that I am normal because there are other people who have the same sorts of problems to deal with.
Hope you can get some sleep soon - I know what lack of sleep does to a person.
Take care and look after yourself !
Me

By Me, at 2:27 am

You truly do have a gift for putting your thoughts into words! And such great analogies (the "straightened" curly hair, etc.).

You know, it's hard to figure out who you are, and that's mostly because we are always changing, I think. I'm not sure anybody can definitely say what they would do in every conceivable circumstance.

For me, I have noticed personality changes with my weight. I was a normal weight in high school, and was well-liked but I didn't take any crap from anyone. When I became overweight and then obese, I noticed that I would put up with a lot more crap just so people would like me. Sometimes that really sucked, but it also added character and depth to my previously superficial personality. I was forced to become a lot more patient and introspective.

Now that I'm back to a "normal" weight, well...I don't know. I'm somewhere in-between. I feel I've grown as a person, and I don't know if it's because I'm older now or because I was obese for ten years. Probably a little of both. But I'm really trying to hold on to the lessons I've learned and the "good" scars they've left on me. And I'm slowly getting my ass-kicking skills back.

Kathryn, you have a great personality to begin with! So you can decide which parts don't work for you and which ones you want to supplement. And as your confidence grows, I think it will be easier to stand up for yourself at work. I know it's hard to re-invent yourself in a place where people are used to seeing you behave a certain way. But you *can* do it, and I know you will! :)

By Zara, at 4:46 am

i so indentify with parts of this post, for most of my life, i've been overweight
(however, i'd love to be that kind of overweight now, coz it was 10kg, not 30kg!). The only time in my life i can remember being slim i was borderline eating disorder. I ate carrots & apples most of the tm, pretended i wasnt feeling well if faced with certain foods - i.e, fish n chips if staying at a friends house, pretend not to like certain foods even if i loved them (i.e. crumbed schnitzel was a fave but all of a sudden, didnt like it). So the only memories i have of being thinner are unhealthy & hungry.
I remember PE class, because i was only slightly overweight, i was encouraged but i remember one toime in PE class at highschool, a friend & I (me overweight, her rather obese) were told we could do our own thing while the rest of our class played ultimate frisbee. its like gee, discount the fat girls straight away.
good luck on the work front & i'm glad you have realised that you are great at what you do & that you should stand up for yourself.
thank god for pay day too huh!

By Kt, at 10:55 am

"people have made me believe I'm crap because they get something out of that, not because I really am crap" I still don't get why people do this. Small minded people with nothing better to do in their life than make themselves feel more important, more superior, more everything by knocking someone else down. Well these are the people who may think they have everything, but like you so succinctly said "no one has everything" I bet they have problems they are not even prepared to face and as much as you probably got the crap because you were large, you're losing the weight baby and they are always going to be pricks!

*taking deep breath*

I love the way your posts get me fired up. Hope the pay comes through quickly and more work comes your way xx

By Margaret, at 11:28 am

thank god that theres always a tomorrow hey...and i'm you about the PE teachers...alothough I wasn't big, I was quiet and shy and never put my hand up...therefore forgeotten or pushed as someone who just didn't like sports, but its was so not true...oh well...bring on tomorrow...will be in touch

By laura, at 12:37 pm

Ok I've had to read and re-read this post to wrap my own thoughts around it. Such a deep issue.

I have this secret fear that I'll always be the former fat girl. I think it has a lot to do with what you've said about always defining yourself as that. What's messed up is I've been normal weight longer then I have been morbidly obese. I think it's more the fact that I was *treated* like the fat person (in my family, friends..) that I identify so strongly with it. Regardless of if I was actually fat.

It's so hard and scary (like you said) to peel away the only person you know. The only person other people can relate to you. I sent my mum a photo of me recently and I'm still 25kg out of my healthy weight range... the only thing she said was "don't get too thin". I mean when I'm still classified as severely overweight and she's worried I'm getting to thin, it really showed me that I am the fat girl.

I'm a little curious as to how people that knew me at my highest will be able to relate to me now... how comfortable they'll be at me not being who they thought I was.

I know a few of them will act as if being in the right range for my weight is a rouse, that I'm just a fat girl playing as a thin one for now. Holding their breathes for all of it to come back on.
--------
I agree with you completely about letting go of regrets for things you don't have, and finding the strength to both appreciate and realise what you do have.

I agree with knowing who you are and knowing what you want to have in life will help guide you into achieving it. We should all have the courage to define ourselves rather then letting society and others do that for us.

such a wonderful post. Made me think ALOT.

By Dee, at 1:20 pm

Even talking about PE classes makes my skin go cold and my stomach churn. We used to have the "smart" way of choosing teams of each captain picking one person at a time and I was (yes you guessed it) ALWAYS last picked. Most of the time they didn't even say my name, they just walked away and expected me to follow. I hated it. I also think that's my reason for not going to the gym, i'm too scared.
Enough of my complaining, sorry!
Bri

By Briony, at 1:46 pm

Bloody stupid money and working to earn a living. Some days it is tough. I only had enough money for rent and my weekly travel pass this week so I was really grumpy too on Thursday but we always work a way around it hey.

I am so proud of your running success and beating any childhood demons. School teachers have a lot to answer for but then school kids themselves can be so cruel.

Mmm..thinking about being wistful, ethereal or dainty. I don't think I will ever be any of these no matter how much weight I lose LOL. I will never be dainty that's for sure because I am tall and have a swimmers build (I always get asked if I'm a swimmer).

But who is Kathryn? From all the comments I recieved last week on my indentity post, I can only say that the core of you is there and that you are only now really discovering yourself. For once you are really looking at yourself and maybe are a little overwhelmed?

I know this past year has led to so many changes, that like Kate said, it can make you feel a little topsy turvy but you know what, this is not necessarily a bad thing. And hon, you are certainly NOT unlovable. I really dig you and think you have heaps to offer as a friend, a lover and as a writer. You need to find the fire in your again and simply do the best you can for yourself and those closest to you.

Focus on your course and earning enough to survive and remember you DON'T want to be a corporate slave and then have no time for your creative pursuits.

An interesting resource I've been looking at recently is Freelance Success. This chick has a great "suggested reding" list for those that don't fit in to the norm of society (like me). Check it out for inspiration - http://www.freelancesuccess.com.au/resources.html

My partner is also blogging about heaps of really good stuff about writing on his blog. It might help? http://danielhatadi.blogspot.com/

By Mary, at 9:51 am