[a weight loss story]
*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*
I've been a tired, miserable, cranky bitch lately and a tired, miserable, cranky me is an eating me. I got tempted by the nougat again today. It's my nemesis, I tells ya.
A whole bunch of prickly little irritations landed in my lap today - nothing earth shattering, but enough to have me grouchy. I thought I'd get some Dole money today cos my working has been so irregular but nope. Zilch. Which left me just enough to pay the rent with NOTHING left over. I grabbed a lasagne out of the fridge for lunch and spend my $2 coin that I keep for the gym lockers on train fare, then I thought bugger it and spend $20 of my rent money on cigarettes and fruit (it was a small lasagne and I was starving).
Also, I've been waiting for people to get back to me about references with little luck. There is one guy I want to use since he's with the same company that I'm applying for the new job with, but I haven't seen him for 18 months so for all I know he's moved on.
And I found out my course started this week not next so I missed classes.
Tomorrow has got to be better. Well it's pay day for starters *grin*.
I've been thinking deeply about stuff lately. Like my running. It's so exciting for me to run because I've never run before. Maybe when I was a young kid, but even in high school, if we had PE and had to run laps, the teacher would look me up and down then say "you can walk it". I wasn't even encouraged to try. I think PE teachers should have to learn the correct way to deal with the fat kid - mostly they either go for ridicule (cos that is so successful in changing people's behaviour) or ignoring them completely. Of course, I never had any desire to run but maybe, if I was encouraged and told I could do it, I might have.
I've also been thinking about being close to my goal. It's scary and it's a place I never thought I'd be. There is a difference between growing up fat and putting on weight when you get older. Not that it makes things easier or harder, just that you don't have any concept of yourself as anything but fat. Fat is what you are.
If you are born with curly hair, you can straighten it with a hair straightener or an iron for a time but you you don't have straight hair: you have curly hair that is straightened.
That's what being fat has been like to me all my life. I could start a diet, I could exercise, but I always thought I'd be a fat person. It has been part of me, sometimes all of me. The fat girl. The one who doesn't run unless there is a shoe sale, the one who has a healthy appetite, the one who drinks her own weight in margaritas (and that's a lot of margaritas, trust me). The one who jokes and laughs and is the life of the party... for a while.
There are things you can't be when you are fat - like wistful or ethereal or dainty. You put those things aside and take up the ones you can be. Smart and mouthy and funny, they go with fat.
Who am I? I think that's a question a few people have been asking lately. Not about me, obviously but about themselves. I don't know who I am. I have no idea who I can be or what I'm capable of.
Sometimes I feel like I've forced myself into a mold - fat and unlovable. I have my work cut out for me there, I think.
Lately, I've been reading Nice Girls Don't Get the Corner Office. It's really opened my eyes to a lot of things that have happened in my work life, things that have spilt into my personal life and shaped my whole concept of myself. I'm realising that people have made me believe I'm crap because they get something out of that, not because I really am crap.
I have always had this naive belief about work - if I turned up and did well, people would notice and I'd be rewarded for that. When that didn't happen, I shut myself off. I'd not be present - physically or otherwise - and that would esculate the situation. I've done a lot of foolish things - say if an error was made and I was partly to blame. I'd take the blame, figuring the other people involved would take responsiblity for their share. Ha. Never happens.
Sadly, the corporate world isn't about being nice, or being adult. I don't want to learn to play stupid political games but I do need to stand up for myself. I need to value myself and value the work I do and I need to communicate that to others.
Damn it, I'm good at what I do. But no one knows if I don't say. And if I don't take credit for my own achievements then someone else will.
So, the other thing I've been thinking about is sacrifices. I've been getting down because I have no money, but tonight I realised that no one has everything. No matter who you are.
It isn't about having a life where everything is perfect and right. It's about deciding on what's important to you and then ensuring you have that. If you have kids, you give up a lot. You give up a lot if you don't too. There is no right or wrong. You can have money or you can have time, unless you are really lucky. My sister has money and a great job, but she works hours that I never could and would never want to. My other sister has no money and is reliant on my mum, but she has the time to do the things she wants. I'm floundering between the two. I'm floundering on many fronts.
I'm going to start by not regretting the things I don't have but making sure the sacrifices I make in this life are decided by me and not thrust apon me. I think the starting place is to have a clear idea of my values - everything else springs from that.
They say that if you offered people a million dollars to permanently put on 20 kg most people would say no thanks. So maybe you were happy to work a few less weeks over summer, cos that has given you a little extra time to exercise and get to the mid 70's weight wise.
By 12:05 am, at
A pretty full-on post there...and a very interesting read. Yours generally are. Your posts are both catchy and punchy with a natural, conversation-like flow - any chance you could roll a lot of this stuff into a book and be happy with it? Really just a matter of editing.
Thank you for another interesting read - you always raise such relevant points.
You truly do have a gift for putting your thoughts into words! And such great analogies (the "straightened" curly hair, etc.).
i so indentify with parts of this post, for most of my life, i've been overweight
"people have made me believe I'm crap because they get something out of that, not because I really am crap" I still don't get why people do this. Small minded people with nothing better to do in their life than make themselves feel more important, more superior, more everything by knocking someone else down. Well these are the people who may think they have everything, but like you so succinctly said "no one has everything" I bet they have problems they are not even prepared to face and as much as you probably got the crap because you were large, you're losing the weight baby and they are always going to be pricks!
thank god that theres always a tomorrow hey...and i'm you about the PE teachers...alothough I wasn't big, I was quiet and shy and never put my hand up...therefore forgeotten or pushed as someone who just didn't like sports, but its was so not true...oh well...bring on tomorrow...will be in touch
Ok I've had to read and re-read this post to wrap my own thoughts around it. Such a deep issue.
Even talking about PE classes makes my skin go cold and my stomach churn. We used to have the "smart" way of choosing teams of each captain picking one person at a time and I was (yes you guessed it) ALWAYS last picked. Most of the time they didn't even say my name, they just walked away and expected me to follow. I hated it. I also think that's my reason for not going to the gym, i'm too scared.
Thanks for that insightful post! There's a lot of food for thought in it, and it got me thinking about who I am and what I want in my life too... I believe it is a good thing when you are thinking about such things. You can obtain clarity about what is important to you and set your priorities accordingly.
Bloody stupid money and working to earn a living. Some days it is tough. I only had enough money for rent and my weekly travel pass this week so I was really grumpy too on Thursday but we always work a way around it hey.
boobs: 100 cm
waist: 81 cm
hips: 109 cm
thighs: 50 cm
Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama
Week 1 - Drink more water
Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats