[a weight loss story]
*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*
Phillipa posed an interesting question in her post today, about the things we do now that we would not have had the courage to do before. In a moment of synchronicity, this book came up as one of my recommendations on Amazon tonight (the book is "What Would You Do If You Had No Fear? Living Your Dreams While Quakin' in Your Boots" just in case you are too lazy to click on the link).
When I read that, the first thought that came into my mind was "fall in love". You know, it scares me just to write that. I think I have spent my entire life believing that no one would love me unless I'm thin. I also spent most of my life believing that I would never be thin. Therefore, no one will ever love me and I'm destined to spend my life alone. Sometimes I even think being alone is preferable.
For me to even write this, shows I've come a long way. To be able to be this honest rather than hide under a layer of jokes and throw away lines. To admit that I, the me I am now and not some perfect version of myself, could possibly want or expect a man to find me attractive.
Sometimes, I read someone's blog or a story in a magazine like Slimming, and the (not very nice) thought will cross my mind - How did she find someone? She's fatter than me. As though it's some kind of thin contest or something like that.
It's a difficult thing - when you believe you are incapable of having a relationship, you don't look for one. I've spent years of my life complaining because I don't meet guys. And it's true, I seldom meeting anyone that I could contemplate spending the rest of my life with. But even when I was out dating, if a guy asked me what I was looking for, I could never say I wanted love or a relationship or anything like. I'd tell them I wanted friendship or a fling. I didn't want to scare them off. I didn't want to scare me off. I didn't want the world to collapse and fall around me.
I always thought someone would come along, someone who would sweep me off my feet, but they are taking their own sweet time about it. Or maybe they did come along and I rebuffed them. Although they could have tried a little bit harder.
I feel like I don't even know what I want any more. Sometimes, again when I'm reading blogs and things, I get so cut up and jealous when I read about the supportive and caring partner (I know that doesn't happen all the time, but when you are alone you tend to think that your potential partner is going to be perfect). But then there are other things too. Like having been on my own for so long, I wonder how I'd cope with someone else to consider. Sometimes I think I'm too damaged now to even bother.
I look at the people around me, like people at work, and realise I'm so different to other people. I have completely different values and priorities in my life, I'm out of step. I don't want to have kids - I've already done that, and I don't want to buy a house and have a mortgage - I've already done that too. That rules out a large percentage of the single, straight men in the world!
I'm not interested in sports or television or nightclubs. That counts another huge chunk. I guess I have more in common with people who are lot younger than me but that is awkward when it comes to dating. Not that I'd rule out a younger man but when you are older than the people around you, you feel invisible and sexless. When you are older and fatter, you feel like you aren't even in the running.
I guess what I'm trying to say, somewhere in amongst all this rambling, is that I find it really difficult to meet anyone who is on my wavelength and with whom I have things in common. Even then, common interests aren't enough. If you don't have it; without that it, you have nothing. My mum reckons I'm far too fussy - but I'd rather be alone than settle. I'd rather be alone than bored or unhappy. It seems like the probability of actually meeting someone who I'm attracted to, who is attracted to me right back is so remote. Like winning tattslotto or find $100 in the street. Oh but I find $100 one time and my mum won tattslotto so maybe even more remote than that.
On top of being a fussy bitch, I have all these "love" issues. It's a minefield, let me tell you. I get shy and weird and flustered. I'm just a difficult woman, all up.
I read how people get worried about all the extra male attention when they lose weight, but I worry about the opposite. What if I get to my goal weight and nothing changes? I'm still ignored and alone. All my life I've been told that if I just lost some weight, I'd have men flocking around me. I'd have to beat them off with a stick... blah, blah, blah. Whatever. What if that isn't true? I don't know, I've never had to deal with it.
Sometimes I really do feel invisible. Except to gay men or guys who want to be mates or drunken men at the end of the night when all the other chicks have gone, and I'm left as the default, the booby prize. Maybe it's not even a weight issue. Maybe it's about self esteem and all that kind of thing. I mean all those people who are bigger than me have relationships, right?
I guess the first thing is to figure out what I want, what I really want. Not something I think I should have because that's what other people have and not something I want at this minute cos I'm all hormonal and needing sex. Another issue, that I'm not even going to go into now, is that I find it hard to plan ahead - to think about a future.
The second thing is to believe that I can get what I want. That I deserve it and am capable of it.
The third is to take steps to get it.
Or maybe I could just sleep awhile and wait for a Princes Charming to wake me with an enchanted kiss, except I'd probably deck him. I hate being woken up.
I could have written that post! It is strange when you find people that have the same fears and questions as yourself, it is like you don't feel alone anymore - but then realise (for me) that I am not as odd as I thought I was.
I love your last line - really modern princess!
Great post .... I really can only agree with what Philipa said on this ....you do deserve to have someone special in your life and it will happen .. probably when you least expect it
What a great post and I, too, have to agree with the others. I love reading your posts because they are always so honest and open and I think, what a lot of people are going through but haven't written about.
I have just been reading many of your posts and want to give you a big hug. Have to tell you on the man thing...not everyone is happy with the ones they have got. It is difficult to not have a supportive partner I know and I have been married for a long time and still get no support. Your photos really show how big a change you have made. Congratulations. And I so realte to your shopping experience. It is sooo weird to shop in normal clothes after having been fat for so long.
With all the changes we make to our physical self there are tenfold that need to be made to our mental self. For a long time I did not want to lose weight because of my bad back. I was so afraid that all the promises made of my back being miraculously better once I lost weight would turn out to be lies. Through treatments and meds my back is now a lot better and the weight off my back is definitely a lot healthier.
Kathryn, I love your personality. I think you are a very thoughtful and beautiful individual with a great sense of humour. None of us are perfect and those seemingly *perfect* people are usually seriously fucked up. One of my older sisters is a model in New York and the stories I hear are just so so sad.
boobs: 100 cm
waist: 81 cm
hips: 109 cm
thighs: 50 cm
Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama
Week 1 - Drink more water
Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats