[a weight loss story]
*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*
In my earlier post, I said I had no emotional reason for eating so much lately but I lied. Well, not so much lied, sometimes it takes a while for the things I'm thinking to float to the surface of my brain. I had a couple of things happen over the weekend - silly little things but things that caused fissures in my steely resolve.
Firstly, I went over to the Jam Factory on Friday because I wanted to get the official read-out from the weighing machine. The machine that always tells me - YOU ARE VERY MUCH OVER YOUR RECOMMENDED WEIGHT. I thought this time I'd get something else. But no. I knew I should have left it, shouldn't have weighed myself late in the day, but I did anyway and the machine said the same thing. So I went into Borders and had a coffee and a gingerbread cookie.
Then Saturday morning, I went to the gym - I did a half hour boxing technique session followed by a boxing class. One of the things we had to do in the technique class was practice throwing punches aiming at our faces in the mirror. That's when I noticed it. Hanging there like big, wobbly turkey gobblers - the flap of underarm skin. Yikes - I thought it was bad but not that bad.
Looking at yourself in the mirror is a bad, bad thing. I started picking all my faults. I am such an "apple" shape - I carry all my weight on my torso and I'm still so big in the belly area. As I watched myself, it dawned on me - even if I get to my goal, I still might not look GOOD. Sure I'll look a helluva lot better than I did at 110 kilograms, but I don't want to just look good for me, I want to look good for anyone.
Everyone knows the story - losing weight won't solve all your problems - but it's hard sometimes to accept that. I think, for me, it isn't just that I blame my weight for all my problems as that being my goal weight was always been an impossible dream. It's like when you sit at work dreaming about winning Tattslotto. It's such a huge thing that you may as well dream the whole big dream - you don't just lose the weight, you don't just win the cash - your whole life is transformed. You no longer have men problems, you no longer have work worries. Instead of cowering from confrontation, you go out fighting. Suddenly the whole world loves you, your life is all sparkle and glitter.
It's not like that at all, is it... you lose the weight but you don't transform. It's hit me like a ton of bricks this week.
So what happens now? I guess there are two choices - I can give up, stuff my face (and live with the resulant health problems - can't forget my old friend, diabetes) or I can deal with it all. So maybe it takes more than diet and exercise to make my life sparkle. Maybe I have to go the extra mile and work on some other issues: the zillion and one other issues that plague my life. So be it.
One thing that constantly comes back to me as I lose weight, is that fat isn't the problem; fat is the symptom of deeper problems. I guess I have to dig deeper and root those problems out. In the meantime I think I'll try some some of satan's own exercise - tricep dips.
Of course I could not agree more that weight is a symptom not the problem, but what I identify most with in your post is the idea that even if I go to all this effort, conquer my fear and deal with the pain, suffering and anxiety of getting slim, I might not look that good. What a thought! On my better days, I think I look great now and I'll look great all the way down. But, that's when I'm looking at my personhood and not just my arms. :)
I still cling on to the 'i'll change when I lose weight' scenario - I think I cling on to it a bit much really, I hope to let go...soon.
I agree with your post and know that when I get to goal weight I am still not going to be happy with myself. I am 9ish kgs away from goal weight and while everyone tells me I look good now I know I don't. But the scary bit is that when I get to 65kgs I still know I am not going to be happy so what do I do? Just keep on going down until I look like Nicole Richie or just learn to accept the bits I don't like! Eeek!
Hey Kathryn. I agree with you in lots of things you wrote today. I find that sometimes I don't even know what is bothering me but I pick up my previous bad behaviours again - like sneak eating or invisible eating(if noone sees me doing it it doesn't count)...then I have a brainwave and think maybe I am doing this because of this and oh it feels a bit better then cos then I know what I need to work on. I have always thought that losing weight would solve all my problems but I realise that isn't true and have addressed a few big issues over the last 2 or 3 years and I feel much better in myself and totally agree that the overweight is a symptom of other things. Keep on with those tricep dips and the self-awareness journey as you have come a tremendous distance so far....take care.
The tonne of bricks will feel lighter when you start picking them off one by one.
boobs: 100 cm
waist: 81 cm
hips: 109 cm
thighs: 50 cm
Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama
Week 1 - Drink more water
Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats