iDiet

[a weight loss story]

kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au

::7.12.05::

Envy

Phillipa left a comment (about talking about other people's weight) on my last post , that reminded me of something that happened on the weekend. I'd spent the day helping my friend find a wedding dress and so the subject of weight came up a lot - she isn't happy with her weight and wants to lose some before the wedding.

I had dinner with her and her partner that night and walking back to the car she mentioned my weight loss. She told me I'd done a great job because I'd been so huge before, because I'd been massive.

I told her to shut up but she couldn't understand why - she wasn't saying I was massive now. She seriously couldn't see anything wrong with telling me I'd once been a big, fat heifer. To me, that is no way to compliment someone. While it's lovely to be told how much work I've done, I can do without being reminded just how big I used to be.

She'd said some other things that annoyed me throughout the day including telling me how horrible the dog I used to have was. You don't say mean things about other people's dogs. Ever. It's like criticising their children. I mean, fair enough if dog or child bites you but physical attacks aside, keep your mouth shut.

So a few nights ago, I was chatting to another friend and having a bit of a whinge. I told him that I'd asked her to go on a few fun runs with me and she always says she will but never does, and he said something that surprised me.

Apparently this friend is eaten up with jealous over my weight loss. At first I didn't believe him, then he reminded me of her attitude when a mutal friend bought her own flat - my friend became obsessive over it. It was all she talked about and she was so bitter until she got her own house as well. The same thing happened earlier this year when the same mutual friend went overseas.

It's so weird to me - that someone would envy me. I don't really understand envy. Sure if I found out someone I knew won the big one in lotto I'd have a twinge of it but mostly I don't care about what other people have. Why worry about that stuff? All I can do in life is make my lot better and be as happy as I can.

# 9 comments * Post a Comment

the "you were so fat before" comments really irk me, I am constantly telling people that they hurt me just as much - because geez I'm still the same friggin' person. I know that I'm not as big as I once was, but comparing me with words like massive and huge - it was still ME. You know?

The envy thing is weird - you'll be surprised who will actually resent you for losing weight, some take it personally and think it's a personal attack on them because you're doing something they've wanted to do but never did. My family is like this - One aunt asked me "why are you trying to lose weight, we know you as fat dee". I really didn't know how to take that, I still kinda don't...

In the long run you just have to put your head down and do what you want in your life and let everyone else deal with their own shit - instead of trying to pile it on you too.

Plus you have done fantastic with your weight loss - you should totally strut more ;)

By Dee, at 9:52 am

Call me paranoid but someone says to me "I can't believe how good you look", I hear "I can't believe how bad you looked before!"

My sister said something lovely to me over the phone the other day. We were talking about my weight loss and she said that she couldn't believe that I was over 100kg in April. I assured her I was, and then she said "But I never saw that. Yes, you might have been a bit large, but you were still you." :)

The envy thing is a lot to take. You can't help but think that all these compliments are envy in disguise.

I read somewhere that jealousy is a secondary emotion, it is born out of feeling excluded and deprived.

I think your friend just has a lot of issues, and you just have to put her in her place. Say "it would be really nice if you could just say that I look happy and healthy instead of harping on about how big I used to be."

You've done a brilliant job, and you're still going strong and have every reason to be proud and showing yourself off!

By philippa_moore, at 12:12 pm

I think it's especially foolish to envy someone who is doing something you CAN do! I am not at all surprised you were angry, I would've been, too. Frankly, her behavior reminds me somewhat of the friend I've been talking about on my site - different sort of circumstances, but I suspect the same cause - jealousy.

In your friend's case, she's jealous you've managed something she apparently hasn't, but in both cases, it comes down to choices. There are so many choices we make every day in life. All you can do is try to learn from the outcome of those choices and grow as a person as a result. However, some people choose instead to become resentful, jealous and angry - if not outright hostile. I don't get it.

*sigh*

Sorry your friend was such a thoughtless cow (heh, I'm American, just trying that expression on for size - how did I do?). Not very nice of her, but ya know what? At least you're on the path to finding your own happiness and health - and clearly doing a wonderful job!

By Anonymous, at 12:44 pm

Thanks for posting this. Reading it made me realise why I get so damn uncomfortable receiving compliments about my weight loss, it's because they're not really compliments at all ... the comments are an assessment of how I look and my "value" as determined by them. The "compliments" always come from people I barely know. The only way I know how to do deal with it is say "Thanks" embarrassedly and quickly change the topic.

By Sarah, at 1:18 pm

The worse "compliment" I've ever had was from a colleague:

"If you could turn that fat into muscle, you'd be the strongest man in Europe."

Not quite veiled.

By John, at 2:18 pm

Hey Kathryn - hope you are having a great week. I have just been catching up on your last few blogs. I hear ya with the HUGE comments - people just don't think before they speak. I agree with you that some people think saying certain things is hurtful or on the other hand OK. I know myself that I wouldn't even tell someone if I thought they had a bad haircut or needed to change lipstick for fear of upsetting them - but someone has told me I am HUGE and I didn't appreciate it. The problem you have with your "green" friend is the same problem I have with my family - they are all overweight and all they do is criticise me and sabottage me and never ever comment nicely about how well I am looking.....it comes back to my struggle lately - Respect yourself because you are the only one you can rely on. Take care and hugs.lb.

By Learning Leaders, at 4:29 pm

There was a small article about this topic months ago in the age weekend magazine or something. A woman had lost a lot of weight, and she lost her friends in the process, I must see if I can find it - as it really hit home. There are the friends that know it's still you, and the ones that have no idea how to handle it.

This woman also had a very good 'bitch' about being a token fat friend.

By Lucinda, at 8:46 pm

och, people are always greeeeeeeeen when someone has something/does something that they wish they could do. i used to get those vibes from my mum when i first started losing, but now she's lost heaps of weight she is nothing but supportive of me. people! people, i tells ya!

(do you think it's this same free-for-all-on-fat issue that you sorta mentioned yesterday, people always seem to feel free to say whatever they like about your weight, whether you're fat or formerly fat. do you ever say to a reformed alcoholic, "Good ON YOU for getting sober, because jeez you were a drunken ASSHOLE before!!!"?

By Anonymous, at 9:21 pm

Your last few posts have been nothing short of incredible. You are digging so deep and exploring so much about the human physceee (can't spell so thought I would go all out and stuff it up)

Envy is not pretty and can make people do some horrible shit. Not only do they usually sabotage themselves but try to do it to you (not going for a run, organising loads of dinners, bringing your favourite snacks to work etc) I am sure we have all done it too. Before we figured out that it just sucked and we need to get on with our own lives.

I know people are obtuse when they make comments. I choose (now) to only hear the good half. I don't care about where their comments are coming from anymore. If they say something nice - no matter how backhand - I am taking it. It is hard not too think about the other side, but I am trying. That way they can keep the bitchy / arsehole stuff to themselves and I take the good stuff.

Thanks Kathryn. Hope you get to the bottom of some of this stuff. :D

By Margaret, at 11:18 pm