The title of this post is the name of an album by the fine Australian band, Pollyanna (now sadly defunct) and also describes my state of mind at the moment.

Leaving the house seems like such an effort. Even leaving my room is too much at times and I avoid it if my housemates are around - making small talk with them is too much effort. Outside is hot, and in my car is even hotter. Too many people are trying to do too much and getting far too pushy doing it. I've had a few nasty run-ins with people - over parking spots and such, getting ripped off by people and machines, and I'm truly fed-up with the Christmas shopping crowds. Once I'd avoid confrontation and bury those feelings deep down in the lard. Now I let rip, but I don't think that is the best solution either. I think I scared a man at the laundrymat with my punching and kicking of the change machine that stole my $10.

Luckily I've had some good people to see and good things to do - I met up with Phil and Ashley for some fun exercising at the Tan, with friends for drinks and nibblies on the banks of the Merri Creek, with Sugar Lips to watch videos. Next week I'm doing some voluntary work at PBS radio station plus I have the Christmas fun run on Wednesday and I'm starting life drawing classes - just have to get over to my storage space to pick up my cache of paper.

I guess that sounds like a relatively active social life but in a way it's not the doing of things that makes a social life but how you involve yourself in those things. At the moment, my involvement is minimal. I feel like I'm on auto-pilot. Even when I exercise, I'm beginning to prefer going to a run with my ipod on than going to the gym and being around people. In between times, I just want to sit in my room listening to Bruce Springsteen and playing spider solitaire.

Maybe this sounds like depression, but it's not. I'm not sad or unhappy. But I don't have much joy in my day to day life at the moment either. I have to push myself to get out, push really hard. I guess, maybe, what I need to do is just coast for a while. To accept that I'm on auto-pilot and go through the motions of exercising and eating well, of going out and meeting people, of living this life and in a few days or weeks I'll get my bounce back.

It's really beginning to hit me that losing weight doesn't fix the other problems - it doesn't stop you being depressed or lonely or bored. It just means you are thinner when those emotions hit.