iDiet

[a weight loss story]

*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*

::10.3.06::

Me

Sometimes I feel that nothing in my life has changed since I've lost weight and, I guess in some ways, why should it? I expected to be happier, more confident, more alive. That's what all the weight loss magazines promise.

The trouble is, the intangible parts of life are ... well intangible. You can't measure them. You can't weigh them. You can't put them in an Excel spreadsheet and produce a pretty graph of the change in your self worth over time. Maybe I'd notice a difference if I could.

How do I know that I'm NOT happier or more confident? After all, what I remember from a year ago isn't the whole picture. You tend to forget the everyday; it's the highs and lows that stay with you. If I'm feeling down then it seems I was happier a year ago; if I'm having a good day then I think my self opinion is skyrocketing. There's no absolutes, no markers. All I can do is look for specific examples:

Lately I've been going to a lot of job interviews and last night I realised that maybe I have changed - once I fell to pieces when I was interviewed. I'd get so nervous, I could hardly speak. Now I'm calm and speak well. Maybe it's because I've lost weight, maybe it's because I've been to so many interviews in my life, maybe it's because I value my work skills now. All I know is that I can walk out of an interview feeling I've given it my best shot instead of like I've let myself down.

Another improvement I've noticed is that I have more energy. Well not all the time - I've had periods lately of utter exhaustion. The other night the supermarket didn't have my usual museli (I've been converted to Carmens after the thumbs up from Mary and Phil) and I just feel to pieces. I couldn't even make a simple decision. I think I get burnt out - in between working full time, school, trying to fit in exercise every day plus having to fit in interviews - sometimes I just collapse in a heap.

But apart from that, I have more energy. Does that make sense? I've just realised how strange that sounds - saying that when I'm not collapsing, I have more energy. But in the olden days, I'd have huge energy slumps every day. I'd constantly be nodding off at work and get the 3 pm droop every day. Maybe having more energy is actually the problem - it means I can push myself and keep pushing until I drop.

I guess too I'm more confident in my writing classes. I took a chapter of my novel in for workshopping this week and I did have moments of self doubt. My novel class seems to have a real literary focus and my novel is definitely not literary but instead of letting that make me feel bad about my work, every time I had one of those doubts I told myself to shut up. I don't write literary fiction and the whole point of workshopping is not for them to "approve" of the genre in which I choose to write, but to give me feedback on what I am writing. I read my work out and everyone laughed in the right places (definitely an excellent sign) and when they discussed it afterwards, it seemed to me like the High Art/literary language feel away and instead I got some honest and human reactions to my characters. I really liked that.

Funny how things seem to make sense as you write them. It's occured to me as I've written this post that apart from the energy levels, I'm not talking about things directly attibutable to my weight loss but things that are happening in my life at the same time. Maybe I'm becoming more confident and sure of myself because I'm losing weight, but then again, the opposite could be true - I'm losing weight because I'm gaining confidence. It's all a cycle I guess and hopefully it's spiralling in the right direction.

Gosh, I just wrote a post about how I feel now that I'm at goal. What timing. I think you really are much happier and confident for sure! I can see it in the way you write and I've been reading your journel for quite a while now. You have definitely come a long way and worked through issues in many factors of your life and don't you think life seems to be easier now? I say this because your classic example of the job interviews (which I am going through too now) is that you don't crumble like you used to and you're more focused on your writing, not thinking I can't do this or I can't do that. With this weight loss, you've proved that you can do anything you put your mind to! Well done Kathryn :-)

By Blogger Mary, at 6:17 am  

I think you are doing wonderfully. You do some like you are more confident, but you are right, is it because of the weight loss or maybe the maturity?! Hard to know. The more energy etc HAS to be the weight loss though! Keep it up. (Oh and sorry you didnt get to 70 by the weekend, I am sure your friends will notice a difference anyway! :))

By Blogger Angie, at 7:59 pm  

Weightloss is a roller coaster of up's and down's it comes with fun times and hard times (saying no to chocie hehe) Weightloss is a journey of learning! Learning from your mistakes nd learning about the new you! Because in a sence as the layers stat to melt away we start to see a newer you/me under all those layers, and we have ups and downs due to feeling unsure of the new and the changes, people see us differently just as we see ourselves differently!
Simply we feel that the chains have been taken off our boxes and we are allowed to roam free for the first time so it's all new and a land for discovering :)
I hope this makes sence hehe, I still have 20plus to go but i already feel like the new me, confident full of energy and life and i have found a new love for myself and it show's not only in my blog but also in the way i walk and talk to others and i bet this is how your feeling too even with the high's and low's :)
Just you wait it will all come clearer and before you know it you will be flying on cloude nine!!
Em:)

By Blogger Antigone, at 9:08 pm  

What a post!!!

I am feeling so high after reading Beck and Mary and now you! What a group all of us are!!!

I'll tell you something about me and work. When I was offered this position Im at, I thought I accepted it because it was a great position, great money, and in the field I adore.

BUT!

After a couple of weeks there, I realised that I would not have accepted this position if I was back in my 130 kilos.

Id feel intimidated, shy, Id not speak up, Id not feel worthy of managing people.

There are huge changes that come with huge weightlosses.

Its just that weightloss is not the happy pill. One should work in all aspects, and treat the problems that brought the weight gain in the first place.

just like you do!

I admire and respect you for the way you have traveled your journey kathryn!

By Blogger Silverella, at 9:38 pm  

 

stats:

current weight:
76.6 kg

start weight:
110.1 kg

total loss:
33.5 kg

goal weight:
70 kgs

 

measurements:

boobs: 100 cm

waist: 81 cm

hips: 109 cm

thighs: 50 cm

 

Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama

Week 1 - Drink more water

Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats

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