Sometimes I feel that nothing in my life has changed since I've lost weight and, I guess in some ways, why should it? I expected to be happier, more confident, more alive. That's what all the weight loss magazines promise.

The trouble is, the intangible parts of life are ... well intangible. You can't measure them. You can't weigh them. You can't put them in an Excel spreadsheet and produce a pretty graph of the change in your self worth over time. Maybe I'd notice a difference if I could.

How do I know that I'm NOT happier or more confident? After all, what I remember from a year ago isn't the whole picture. You tend to forget the everyday; it's the highs and lows that stay with you. If I'm feeling down then it seems I was happier a year ago; if I'm having a good day then I think my self opinion is skyrocketing. There's no absolutes, no markers. All I can do is look for specific examples:

Lately I've been going to a lot of job interviews and last night I realised that maybe I have changed - once I fell to pieces when I was interviewed. I'd get so nervous, I could hardly speak. Now I'm calm and speak well. Maybe it's because I've lost weight, maybe it's because I've been to so many interviews in my life, maybe it's because I value my work skills now. All I know is that I can walk out of an interview feeling I've given it my best shot instead of like I've let myself down.

Another improvement I've noticed is that I have more energy. Well not all the time - I've had periods lately of utter exhaustion. The other night the supermarket didn't have my usual museli (I've been converted to Carmens after the thumbs up from Mary and Phil) and I just feel to pieces. I couldn't even make a simple decision. I think I get burnt out - in between working full time, school, trying to fit in exercise every day plus having to fit in interviews - sometimes I just collapse in a heap.

But apart from that, I have more energy. Does that make sense? I've just realised how strange that sounds - saying that when I'm not collapsing, I have more energy. But in the olden days, I'd have huge energy slumps every day. I'd constantly be nodding off at work and get the 3 pm droop every day. Maybe having more energy is actually the problem - it means I can push myself and keep pushing until I drop.

I guess too I'm more confident in my writing classes. I took a chapter of my novel in for workshopping this week and I did have moments of self doubt. My novel class seems to have a real literary focus and my novel is definitely not literary but instead of letting that make me feel bad about my work, every time I had one of those doubts I told myself to shut up. I don't write literary fiction and the whole point of workshopping is not for them to "approve" of the genre in which I choose to write, but to give me feedback on what I am writing. I read my work out and everyone laughed in the right places (definitely an excellent sign) and when they discussed it afterwards, it seemed to me like the High Art/literary language feel away and instead I got some honest and human reactions to my characters. I really liked that.

Funny how things seem to make sense as you write them. It's occured to me as I've written this post that apart from the energy levels, I'm not talking about things directly attibutable to my weight loss but things that are happening in my life at the same time. Maybe I'm becoming more confident and sure of myself because I'm losing weight, but then again, the opposite could be true - I'm losing weight because I'm gaining confidence. It's all a cycle I guess and hopefully it's spiralling in the right direction.