iDiet

[a weight loss story]

*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*

::12.1.06::

Emotional Weight

I guess it's no surprise that I've always been an emotional eater. I eat when I'm upset or depressed or lonely or happy or grumpy or bashful. It's always been my way of dealing with things.

So lately I've been losing weight and you think the emotional eating thing would be sorting itself out but I've realised I've just a whole new coping mechanism. If you've been reading any of my posts for the last week or so, you might have clued on to the fact that I've been feeling a bit down. I guess I've felt this way for a while - over the Christmas period.

Instead of weighing to mask the pain, I've gone to the other extreme. I have an obsessive personality and recently that obsession has turned to my weight loss. I've got to the point where I wanted to push myself harder and harder. Not because I was enjoying it or because it was good for me, but I guess in way to outrun the pain. The same with food - instead of overeating, I've been obsessing over every calorie.

The thing is, if you eat instead of dealing with your problems, you get fat and when you get fat you feel worse. But if you use exercise to deal with your problems, you lose weight and everyone thinks that is great. But at the end of the day, it's still not good... you know.

A lot of the time, I don't even know if the problems I have are real problems or just in my head. Does that sound crazy? It's like I think people are avoiding me or that they don't like me but I don't know how much of that is real and how much is my own paranoia. And, of course, when you start thinking like that everything people do just confirms what those doubts in your head.

I think I've mentioned before how when I was growing up, my Mum would always tell us that our friends were just using us. If a friend wanted to stay the weekend, she'd say they wanted to because they liked some boy who lived nearby or because we'd got good stuff for Christmas or something like that. So yeah, I have still have a lot of doubts about everything to do with relationships. Most of the time I'm okay, but times like this, when I'm not feeling so hot about myself, it gets worse and worse.

Next week, when I've finished my work contract, I think I'll make an effort to get some counselling. I think I need to talk to someone impartial about things. In the meantime, I'm trying to take a moderate approach to things and to relax.

Oh hon! I think the fact that you can pinpoint all this is the first step! I really hope you can get some help, but in the mean time, blog away, we will listen :)

By Blogger Angie, at 8:59 pm  

That's great babe! To recognise whats happening and admit it to yourself is the best thing because now you know you can do something about it.

By Blogger Jadey 0:-), at 10:24 pm  

Kath, the fact that you are facing up to how you're feeling and not hiding away from it, either at the gym or in a cheesecake (!), says a lot about your strength of character and how much you really want to succeed and get this under control. If you have that kind of mindset and attitude you will not fail.

Getting counselling is a great idea - think of it as having a good old heart-to-heart with someone, but with someone who doesn't know you, or your past, who can respond to the situations and your reaction to them for what they really are.

Know that we are here, and we are listening :)

By Blogger Philippa, at 10:32 pm  

get the mental stuff and the emotional stuff worked out because weight loss is ONLY about the physical and it can't solve all that other stuff

By Blogger airlie, at 11:12 pm  

the physical transformation is nothing if u still dont love u on the inside, recognising it is great and u have such a active personality it seems that u get right on the boat to deal with it...go you! good luck with it all :)

By Blogger laura, at 11:48 pm  

You aren't alone! I am constantly having the same issues and feelings. Thats why I had a weight problem in the first place. Now that we are losing weight we have to find other ways of dealing with our issues and it isn't easy! At least you can see that there is an issue and you are dealing with it really well. Stop beating yourself up about it, rather give yourself a pat on the back for how far you've come :)

By Blogger Beee, at 1:07 am  

Ugh- I am sorry to hear that your mom used to say that - I'm not surprised that it has translated into your current view of people. I certainly don't blame you! Good for you for making the connection. I started counselling last April and I can't tell you how much it helps to have a neutral person helping me with how I think, validating that I'm not wrong about certain things, and gently pointing out how I could think differently sometimes. good luck!

By Blogger Xena, at 1:55 am  

i don't think you sound crazy at all.. it's so freaking hard to find balance. i still find it so hard to not simply replacing overeating with insane calorie crunching. arrgh.

and even harder, trying to stop viewing the world through all these crazy ideas that were put into our heads as kids! i guess deep down you know you're an mature, perfectly functioning adult, but sometimes the wee kid voice shouts the loudest.

good luck with the counselling idea!!!

By Anonymous dietgirl, at 2:48 am  

I always enjoy reading your posts, even when they aren't about happy things, because you are so honest and you really pinpoint problems a lot of us are having. You have a very clear way of writing as well.

By Blogger Sue, at 7:27 am  

Oh I am so sorry you feel like this but I think the counselling and recognition is a great positive outlook.

thinking of you

By Blogger A Girl Running, at 10:17 am  

I am the same as you, except it was my father who planted the seeds of doubt in my head and still does. At least you can pinpoint what the problems are and take it from there. I highly recommend counselling - it's great just to get it all out in front of someone who won't judge you.
We are here for you too honey.
Bri

By Blogger Briony, at 11:00 am  

You're doing such a great job to push through your emotional state and not turn to the crap food or lazy habits but you're right in seeking counselling (and admitting it), to help you. Dont forget Albert Park on Sunday morning if you're up to it.

By Blogger linda, at 12:22 pm  

Sometimes I think losing the weight isn't the difficult bit - it is the mental issues that are harder to deal with. Hope you find the right person to talk to to help you get where you want to be.
Take care and look after yourself !
Me

By Blogger Me, at 12:35 pm  

Hey, I know how you feel. I'm feeling very isolated after finding that I obsess so much and if I'm not in strict control I'm out of control. It can be a very upsetting cycle. I'm going to my first counselling session soon... But thank you for making me feel slightly less alone in how I feel.

By Anonymous Ruth, at 9:41 pm  

Thanks for your response. Sounds like you are having a tough time but it's good you are acknowledging it and not doing anything potentially destructive like gorging yourself on cake and pastries.

By Blogger another sarah ..., at 9:59 pm  

When I switched my compulsion from eating to exercising, I was tiny for two years...until I was out riding my bike early on a Saturday morning and broke my leg into 45 pieces!

Have you ever read Geneen Roth's books? They're the BEST ever to help overcome compulsive eating.

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:19 am  

 

stats:

current weight:
76.6 kg

start weight:
110.1 kg

total loss:
33.5 kg

goal weight:
70 kgs

 

measurements:

boobs: 100 cm

waist: 81 cm

hips: 109 cm

thighs: 50 cm

 

Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama

Week 1 - Drink more water

Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats

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