iDiet

[a weight loss story]

kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au

::14.1.06::

Fear

All week I've been looking forward to boxing this morning - it's normally one of my favourite classes - but I woke up and something inside of me stopped me from going. Part of it is that I'm so sore from doing cardio work at the gym yesterday that I can't walk properly (damn stair machine) but another part of it is a little kernel of fear.

I just felt that if I went to the boxing class, I'd be awfully exposed. In most classes you can hide away at the back but in boxing you work in pairs and it's a fairly small class so you have a lot more focus on you. That doesn't usually worry me but today I just can't deal with that attention.

I don't like having to deal with this kind of thing. I don't like backing down once I've decided to do something. But I've left it too late now - the class has already started and I'm still sitting at home in my pyjamas.

It would be easier if I knew where this fear came from - I've felt like this before, but that was when I was so big that I'd get all kinds of negative attention just going places. I thought I was over all that. I'm different now - I go out and do all kinds of things and, even if I feel a little nervous or intimidated, I'd push myself out the door. But this is different - this is like some kind of anxiety attack that something bad is going to happen, that I will do something WRONG. Weird, huh? I mean, who is even going to care if I'm not an A1 perfect boxer. It's just a workout class.

The thought of huddling in my room all day watching the rest of Veronica Mars that Andrew downloaded for me is so tempting. Hiding out from the world in my pjs, not having to talk to another soul. I don't even want to leave my room when my housemates are around. I think I need to force myself to go out. I want to go for swim since I missed boxing (and then a spa to soothe my aching muscles).

Sometimes I think it would be easier if I could just give into these feelings - huddle in bed for the day and know that it's going to pass - but I just can't do that either. I've got to fight and that sets up a whole conflict.

I get so paranoid when I'm like this. If I hear people laughing, I thnk they are laughing at me. I can operate normally at one level but inside I'm a scared little girl who can't cope with the big world. I need my safety and my familar things.

I'm not exactly a bundle of laughs at the moment, am I? I wish I could figure out what has triggered these feelings. Maybe it's being back at work or maybe the whole Christmas thing. Maybe it's just something I deal with as I lose weight and no longer have protective layers of lard to hide behind.

Hopefully it will all get sorted out. But I'll finish on a happier note - weighed in yesterday and I was down to 79.2 kg.

# 10 comments * Post a Comment

Should the article be written twice?

By Anonymous, at 9:55 am

I think we all have times when we feel like that about something and, while we would like to rationalise it in our minds - sometimes we just can't. I get a bit like that sometimes. Unfortunately, I can't give you any advice on what to do except to say that I understand how you feel and am sending you lots of hugs !
Take care and try to get out sometime today - it doesn;t make you any better sitting in your room all day.
Lotsa hugs - Me

By Me, at 11:18 am

I know how u feel, i get the same way, feel like ppl r looking and staring...i always find it good when u go with someone, cos then u have a partner...all my friends have piked, so i'm all alone again...well done on th loss, with all this working out theres sure to be a heap of muscle forming...keep it up, your doing so well!

By laura, at 3:03 pm

It is not like it should be, is it? I mean, we should be happier and cheerier and anxiety free as we loose the weight huh?

But you are right...it is not.

As we lose the weight, we go back to the state of body we were before we gained it...even if this happened when we were 18 months old!

I want to email you since a few posts back. But I do not have your address. Mine is argyro.k at gmail dot com. If you feel like it, drop me a line and I'll be right back at you!

hugs!

By Argy, at 5:59 pm

Perhaps the weigh in under the 80's threw you out? It is a huge step to get under each decade and like you said as the layers come off it leaves vunerabilities laid raw.

Congratulations for being a 70's chick. You have worked your arse off and deserve it and so much more. Next week you will be back at boxing and lookout whoever gets you as a partner :)

*hugs*

By Margaret, at 9:18 pm

Yep, i think Margaret sums up things when she suggests getting into the 70's weigh in is a great step, and that is is ok to feel a bit vulnerable as you adjust to this. i recall that when teenagers change body shape heaps at about 12 oe 13 years old, they are often a bit moody and hide away or clumsy and kind of not quite at home in their body, till they take a few months to just get used to the new physique. So maybe it is the same for people who slim down, we maybe take a couple of months to just get at home with having lost the extra kilograms, especially if we have not been this new weight for many years. The other side of it is that once we reach a goal eg to get to the 70's, or to go for a job interview, we sometimes fire on adrenalin and know no fear as we literlly push past our normal insecurities, but then we reach the goal and relax back to a more average routine, sometimes realize we are not quite as fearless all the time. even a warrior, needs time to go on cruise for a bit, or to be soft and vulnerable on going into a class, or a new activity.

Plus to put in perspective i do know some people who are still too scared or vulnerable to go for an outdoor walk. And i know others that if they lost their casual job and had to look for another they would assume they could not cope with going anywhere outside the house for months, let alone try out new gym classes. So hope you give yourself credit for your courage.

By Anonymous, at 5:11 pm

I found this on Me's blog today hun and I immediately thought of you

"TFTD : The more you do what you fear to do, the less you are afraid"

By Jadey, at 10:29 pm

OMG you and I are alike in so many ways. You seem to have this knack of writing exactly how i've felt at times, it's scarey. I don't have any advice to offer either, except that getting dressed and going out for a walk, even if it's only for 10 minutes - will probably kick you back into gear and make things a bit better. That said, I would probably hide in my room all day too. I have no idea why - just that sometimes I can't face people. Not even strangers.
Bri

By Briony, at 10:59 am

Oops meant to say, by the way congrats on being a 70's chick - that has to make you feel a little better. You deserve it, you've worked damn hard to get where you are now!
Bri

By Briony, at 11:00 am

I love Veronica Mars.. and only just today read up on all that happens... now i just cant wait to watch it all!
i hate bringing attention to myself.. good on you for going to classes and working out!

By Tiffany, at 3:32 pm