iDiet

[a weight loss story]

kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au

::27.5.05::

One Temptation Resisted

I was walking down the street today when a bimbo from the FoxFM team stopped me. She was handing out Tim Tam or Mint Slice Cornettos. I said "NO".

You heard me. I resisted. I was good. I didn't want it so I didn't take it even though it was free food (my favourite kind).

If I do that another million or so times, it might get to be habit.

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::26.5.05::

Notice me, damnit

Still haven't managed to get on top of things but they are improving. I've dragged myself to the gym a few times and tried to not take out my unhappiness in food. I try to keep busy and that helps. I do a session at the gym and then walk home to keep the fat a' burnin'. That helps too. As a wise man once said, 'some days are diamonds, some days are stones.'

You know what is really bugging me at the moment. I've lost 10 kilos. That's quite a bit of weight, you'd think. But NOBODY has noticed. Well not literally nobody. Friends who know that I'm trying to lose weight have commented on it but I've not got that random acquaintance that you haven't seen for weeks comment on my smaller-ness.

In times past, I've lost a few kilos by accident and had people comment on it before I've noticed myself so why not now?

I'll 'fess up. I've even got in contact with old friends and suggested meeting up for coffee in the hope that they'll say something but no bites. Errrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhh!

I'm thinking a few things here:

1. Now that I'm losing weight, I've got rid of the old baggy clothes and have been buying stuff that is on the small side. No point buying stuff that is going to be too big in a few months, right? But, since my clothes are tigher, maybe that makes me look bigger.

2. All my friends are getting older and more senile. Maybe they just don't see that good now?

3. I just don't look like I've lost weight. Maybe I'm just imagining the difference in the way I look?

4. This is the biggy. Why the hell do I care? Why does it matter so much to me? I really feel like I need this validation and I'm not getting it. But I know I've lost weight, the scales say so, the measuring tape says so. Even the mirror says so. Maybe I just need to be less needy or something. I don't know.

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I can relate! What was hard for me for a bit was everyone exclaiming to Howie about his obvious weight loss, while not saying a word to me. He'd say what he'd lost, but I always felt like I'd sound like a needy whiner if I piped up with "yes, and I've lost xx pounds!". I was so jealous of him for a short while. I always am bragging on him to people, and I was a bit miffed that he didn't do the same. I felt really petty about even being bothered by it, but I was. It's hard to "compete" with someone who's lost 100+ pounds.

I finally told him how I felt, petty as it seemed, and asked if he could occasionally mention my weight loss when people saw us together and only mentioned his. He'd never thought about how hurtful it could be -- and, really, why would he have?

By GW, at 2:02 pm

::22.5.05::

Fight

I don't know what's wrong with me at the moment. I have lost all the motivation I used to have and, although I try to do the right thing, I find myself slipping back into bad habits.

It's like there's the good Kathryn, the one who wants to eat right and exercise, and then there's the bad Kathryn. Bad Kathryn likes to loll around the house and eat chocolates and deep fried lard. Bad Kathryn eats until she's stuffed then keeps on eating just for the sake of it. Bad Kathryn curls over and goes back to sleep when the alarm goes off.

Right now good Kathryn and bad Kathryn are fighting it out for control of my life, like two huge Sumo wrestlers struggling in my brain. Pushing against each other, trying to pin the other one down and declare victory.

To make it even worse, I'm getting sick but I don't know if I'm really sick or if it's just bad Kathryn telling me I'm sick as an excuse to stay home from the gym. I can't trust my own instincts any more. I am so confused.

Last night I went to a friend's farewell party. I was going to do a workout during the afternoon so I could indulge without guilt. But then I was feeling sick so I decided to go back to bed. Since I was too sick to drink, I would compromise by going to the party but not drinking and not eating too much. Well I didn't drink. I ate. And I ate. And I ate. I was one piggy lil mofo. I ate until I was full. I kept eating. Bad Kathryn doesn't need alcohol to overindulge. At one stage, I decided to have a orange juice and soda water - good choice, yes. But then I had to help myself to a jam tart (covered in whipped cream) on the way passed. Damn me.

So today I was going to rest up and just eat soup but I came over to my son's place and he had a big packet of biscuits and I've been picking away without even meaning to, stuffing myself.

Good Kathryn is crying out... I'm going to undo all my hard work. I'm going to ruin it. Good Kathryn is trying her hardest but, at the moment, bad Kathryn is winning.

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::19.5.05::

Kick my arse

I feel like I'm almost there but can't quite go the distance. I want to get on track then I go and sabotage myself. I have been thinking that maybe it's time I took things a step further, like getting help. I'm not sure how to go about that but I'd really like to find some kind of counsellor that specialises in weight issues.

I feel like there is some kind of block, a big huge stone in my path, and I'm not strong enough to lift it on my own. I need to lift the mental weight before I can lift the physical weight you could say. If anyone is still reading this and has any suggestions, I'd love to hear from you.

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I'm sorry, I've got no help to offer. But I want to tell you that contemplating it as an option is a GIANT STEP. Good luck with finding someone!

By Anonymous, at 6:26 pm

Today is my first stop here. It is awful to read when someone feels this. I hope you find someone to offer you some help. Sometimes therapy is actually required with weight issues because there are underlying issues making us overeat. Good luck to you. HUGS

By theaddict, at 8:00 am

::17.5.05::

Gym

I went to the gym last night. Didn't want to but I'm in a "fake it until you make it" phase. I did 15 minutes on the bike then 25 on the treadmill - flat out. I want to get thin enough to be one of those girls who walk on the treadmill, reading a magazine and flicking their blonde hair with the whole "I'm so gorgeous, I don't really need to workout" attitude. One day.

Then I went to the supermarket and walked home with my groceries. A 15 minute walk on top of gym... go with the fat burning. I actually bought vegies cos I've been living on Lean Cuisine and I am sick to death of it. Gonna make a big vegie curry this week.

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"those girls who walk on the treadmill, reading a magazine and flicking their blonde hair with the whole "I'm so gorgeous, I don't really need to workout" attitude."

i so know what you mean! but keep faking it, cause you'll be one of them one day! :)

By Anonymous, at 6:08 pm

::15.5.05::

Blah

So much for good resolutions, I can't seem to stop eating lately. Binging on bread and honey, a whole packet of weight watchers biscuits. I must stop it. Must. Plus I've had no chance to exercise because I've been housesitting for friends and used the whole weekend to get writing projects done.

I don't know what my problem is at the moment. I'm bored and lonely and nothing seems worthwhile. I'm angry, deep inside. I feel like I have nothing in my life. Nothing that makes it worth getting out of bed in the morning and nothing that makes it worth keeping on going during the day. It is bloody awful. I try to manufacture things to make me happy but that doesn't work for long.

I need to get this sorted out but I can't see how. I don't want to go home, it isn't even my home. It's just a place I go to at the end of the day. I don't have anyone waiting for me. I don't have anything to do once I get there. So I run around all day to avoid having to face it, hoping that I'm so tired out by the time I get home that I just fall into bed and don't have to think.

There's no one I can talk to about it. I feel like I've worn out everyone's sympathy and now I just have to put on a smiley-happy face and make jokes. I'd really like a shoulder to cry on, someone I can be around and feel like I don't have to be strong. Someone who will be strong for me, just for a little while. Just so I can have a rest.

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::13.5.05::

What a difference a poo makes

I have cracked the 10 kilo mark.. woohoo!

I have now officially (kinda) lost 10.2 kgs. Up until now I've been coy about posting my weight on the net but I'll let you in on a secret. The reason the 10 kilo (well 10.1 kilo mark to be exact) has been so important to me is that I am now in DOUBLE FIGURES.

I think this is a thrill that only those that have experienced it can understand. To me it's always been like a glass wall with "normal" people on one side and me on the other. I expected to get here by the end of March but you know what? The fact that I've survived some of the shittiest months of my entire life and been through hell and still managed to meet my goal means more to me than any arbitary timeline.

I've had every excuse in the world to wallow and comfort eat and, I'm only human, at times I have but the thing that matters is that I've dusted myself off afterwards and got back on the treadmill or the exercise mat, counted those kjs, and kept on going. I can do this. Tonight, at this moment, I believe that. Normal body weight, here I come.

I am so damn proud of myself. Me, me, me!!!! Woohoo! Luckily my flexibility has increased so that can pat my own back.

Anyhow, these are my goals for the next stage:

1. Eat under 6000 kjs a day.
2. Half hour of cardio, 5 days a week. I want to start doing body pump classes.. yikes.
3. Pilates once a week.
4. Increase weight training.

I am thinking of doing no carbs after 5.00 but not sure about that. I dunno if it works and I do like carbs.

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Hooray for double-digits! Congrats! I obviously chose a great time to find your site :)

By Anonymous, at 5:02 pm

Inspiration

I'm back on track and more motivated than ever. See I remembered last night that I'm going to Tassie to see my mum and sister in a month's time. They started dieting the same time I did but have fallen off the wagon so I want to be at my best when I see them. I reckon I can knock off 4 kgs in the next 4 weeks. I was going to aim for 5 but 4 will do me.

Tonight I weighed myself.... still the same weight, damnit. Still 100grams off a 10 kilo loss. Grrrr! I know it's near enough but I want the whole loss... well I really want more than that. Maybe after a big poo I'll make it.

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::12.5.05::

Badness

Tonight I feel like shit. I was going to go to the gym but didn't and now I want to wallow in self-pity and self-loathing and self-every damn thing. I'm sick of being strong and trying hard and all that shit. I want to wallow, god-damn it. I want to quit. Why does it have to be this hard?

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Hey, I don't have any wise words or advice to share, but I wanted to let ya know, I'm really sorry to hear you're going thru such a rough spot.

By Anonymous, at 10:47 pm

Keeping On

I went to Pilates last night. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... no real pain today. I think it was a stupid idea though for me to do cardio beforehand because it made the whole class harder.

Still haven't had an official weigh in but the numbers are moving down on my dodgy home scales so hopefully it will be really good news when I finally get to weigh myself. I hope so anyway.

I really think I need to push myself harder -- to work out more especially. I'm thinking of getting a personal trainer but money is an issue there. Maybe next month when i get a full pay.

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::8.5.05::

I need to get weighed

I have no idea what my weight is at the moment, only having my dodgy scales at home. Usually I use my friend's scales (digital ones) or the scales at the Jam Factory but my car isn't working so those options are out. It is getting to be an obsession.

I don't know that I've put on too much weight. It's funny how when you get used to eating well, your definition of binge changes. I felt the guilt of all ages because I ate a Cherry Ripe at work the other day. Once it would have been a daily event (plus one on the way home...plus some chocolate after dinner....)

Hey, I just realised someone. I've been feeling like something is missing in my life lately. Silly me was thinking it was the internet, or tv, or my car or just general loneliness and depression. Or maybe even my son. But it has just dawned on me. It's chocolate. My old buddy, my one constant companion. No wonder I have that lingering sense that something's missing. But I'm not back pedalling. It is like a lightbulb moment for me - to realise that I have been coping through all this shit without resorting to chocolate or other comfort foods. I've been finding things to take their place - like the gym. Woohoo.

Anyway, back to the Cherry Ripe. I went to the gym that night and realised just how many walking it takes to work those calories off. OMG. I'll never eat a Cherry Ripe again.

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::7.5.05::

Still going

I no longer have my site.... big problems with the name registration and hosting and stuff. Oh well, who needs it.

The weight loss is happening slowly.... been pretty good this week. Even when i wanted comfort food the other night I had a Lean Cuisine lasagne then took to my bed. Woohoo.

My local gym rocks! It is $3.98 a visit and the staff are all very friendly. Mostly I've been sticking to the treadmill but did try a low impact aerobic class - it might have been low impact but it was high co-ordination, damnit.

On Wednesday I was chatting to a woman in the change rooms and she asked me if I was going Pilates cos she was taking the class. I confessed my fear of Pilates and she told me that she eases people into it. She was very friendly and hasme convinced to go along to the class next week.

Later I was on the bike and she came over and asked me if I'd recently lost a fair bit of weight. I told her that I'd lost around 10 kgs and she was asking me what I'd done etc. Then I asked how she knew and she said she could tell by my skin. Yikes. She explained she's a personal trainer and she's used to seeing the weight loss process.

Afterward I thought I might have a talk to her about doing some personal training after the class next week. That might get me using more of the equipment around the gym.

So that's my life at the moment. Oh, I found my old Weight Watchers book from 1999 the other day. I've lost a total of 27 kgs since then. I can't believe I was ever that fat!!!! Man.

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