[a weight loss story]
*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*
I got weighed this morning. Lost about a kilogram, which is good except that most of that loss is weight I put on last week. How frustrating, but it did make realise just how infrequently I've actually gained since I started this lifestyle changing event. It also worries me that I went off the wagon for a couple of days and put on so much weight. I'm going to have to be forever vigilant, I feel. Forever.
Lately, I've felt like I'm heading into a danger zone. I'm getting bored with my usual food and have been craving carbs - bad carbs like creamy, gluggy pasta from the food court. I compromised the other day by getting noodles. More than anything though, I've been tired. So tired. Not just fixed by a good night's sleep tired but bone weary tired. Just getting up and going to work of a morning is a big, big effort. The thought of gym after work freaks me out (but still, I do it and feel better for it).
It would be so easy right not to start slipping, to think missing one day's exercise won't matter, that one little chocolate bar or bowl of creamy pasta won't hurt. I have been increasing the treats as it is - a little Flake bar or Turkish Delight when I go to the shops, some pretzels at work - nothing that's really bad, but still you have to watch these things.
On top of that, I've been losing my marbles. The other day, I forgot my PIN for my bank account. I needed money because I was going out after work and had NO petrol in my car (ie. enough to get to the servo and pray the traffic isn't too heavy on the way). The harder I tried to think of it, the worse it got. Talk about stress. So I tried to relax and forget about it, hoping my brain would slip into gear, but that didn't work either.
On the way home from work, I finally got in touch with my son (my backup memory) and he knew it. Thank heavens.
Not so bad in itself but these are other stupid things I've done in the past 2-3 days:
I walked home from work on Wednesday and left my (heavy) boots at work to bring home on the tram Thursday, so Thursday night I took them home but left them on the tram.
I took my dvds back to the store last night but had left one in the dvd player.
Forgotten my phone numerous times.
It's only a week or so after my birthday but the marbles are going already.
Seriously though, I'm starting to think that all these things might have a medical explanation. As I said in an earlier post, I also have red spots all over my body. Some of these are itchy and some are more like ecxema (sp?). When I get time, I will go to the doctors and get this checked out.
Hey Kathryn. Congrats on the loss. I know you had a gain last week but you got it under control and recorded a loss. That is fantastic.
OMG yes it does sound medical
Well done on the loss. Remember it is much more difficult to lose the weight than to gain and takes twice as long. I agree with M get yourself to a doctor ASAP. Might be nothing but better safe than sorry!!! Have a great weekend. XX
congrats on the loss :) sounds like youu may be unwell, i think a trip to the doctor is a good idea. take care of yourself gil
Kathryn, Well done on the substitution of a lower fat, healthier option on the pasta craving. I think that's a key element in the lifestyle change -- learning to pay attention to what you want and then making a choice that is both satisfying and healthy. Doesn't always work out, of course, but at least you're making a conscious choice and a conscious effort. And, by all means, get to the doc ASAP!
"When I get time, I will go to the doctors and get this checked out. "
Congrats on the loss. Hope you soon get to the Doctor and find out what is going on.
Well done on the loss and you keep remembering how far you have come!
When I did the Spring into Action funrun, I got a 3 visit pass for Fitness First so I decided to go along there today for an RPM class. I don't know why, but it felt really scary. I can go to my daggy old gym(s), no worries, but for some reason I felt kind of intimidated about fronting up to FF.
I guess there was a number of issues. For starters, I was on a free pass instead of being a "real" member. That is always a worry because I hate those situations where businesses give out free passes/special offers/discounts then make you feel like a real scum for using them. I don't get that - why would you go back to a business that made you feel bad?
Well, that didn't happen.
Another fear was that it would be full of uber-fit yuppies. Bingo on that one.
Fear number 3 - once they had my details, they'd hound me to join. Not sure if that will happen but they didn't seem ready to do the hard sell and I didn't give them a phone number.
Lastly, I think I was worried that once I used their gym, I'd like it so much I'd want to pay huge sums of money to join. Trouble with that is that my contract in the city only lasts until the end of the year and I have no idea where I'm working after that. If they had a gym near home, it wouldn't be so bad but they don't.
And yeah, it did have those little touches that my gym misses - the hairdryers in the bathrooms, the lounge area (although why you'd want to lounge in the gym, I don't know), the free dvd hire (again, why?) and the sheer size of the place. Oh, and they have a Pizza Hut downstairs. That's always handy. Just kidding.
But I really didn't like it. The treadmills were all in rows and rows in front of the big tellys. That was off-putting. At least it looked easy to get on equipment but they were all so jammed up together. And the change room was full of the aforementioned bimbos. Who all seemed very snotty (except the nice girl who told me how the locker system worked).
So, onto RPM. I really don't understand the difference between RPM and Spin. I mean, I could see differences with this and my Spin class but that could just be the instructors. The bikes at FF were much newer that the old clunkers at my gym, but my seat slipped down mid-class that was scary and very offputting.
I didn't like the instructor. He was a nice enough gym and kinda cute but my regular instructor is very safetly conscious and this guy was not. If I had not been to my other class, I think I'd have some pulled muscles now. But, worst of all, was the music. Gay and disco. My regular class has some bad moments - I could live without ever hearing D-Lite's The Groove is in the Heart ever again, but she does play the Spazzys. Gotta love that.
Two more visits to FF to go. I think I'll try the lunchtime boxing class next week. Since my regular boxing guy is a bit lacking in the instruction department, I figure I can learn some techniques at FF and then go back to my old class.
After class, I went to Target to get some new pyjamas. There were two women looking at a pair of pjs, one encouraging her friend to buy them. They were very cute - oriental style top - and I've looked at them before. But the woman buying the pjs said they wouldn't fit her and held them against her to prove it. I looked at the woman and thought - if they won't fit her, they won't have a hope in hell of fitting me. But I bought them anyway because they were real cheap. Got home, tried them on and they fit perfectly. Just goes to show - I'm not as big as I think I am (or maybe it was the other woman who had an issue with her body size, well one of us did).
Uber fit yuppies? NO! I may go there on Saturday sometime (I wouldn't mind trying body pump)...damn the yuppies!
LOL. I think almost all women have a problem with their body image, but it's nice to find out you're thinner than you think...
Eeek, beware of Fitness First! I had a membership there for close to a year and a half. Initially I went in there on one of those try out passes and the moment I walked in there, I was hounded and harassed until I signed up (this was on the first day). I then saw a personal trainer and got my head around liking work outs and going there a couple of times a week. I managed to find one that wasn't ultra sleek and packed full of yuppies and was fairly happy going there to work out. But then my man and I decided to get married so I had to cut the membership. Again, I got a lot of crap from the staff there for wanting to leave. So much so that I don't think I'll be signing up for another gym in quite some time.
Glad to hear FF didn't make you feel unwelcome. One of my fears too and yep, I can imagine it being full of uber-fit yuppies. My little sister used to work at a FF and that's what turned me off gyms. I felt too intimidated and it seemed like a mainstream nightclub, a pick up joint. They are forced to hound. You've got 2 more passes though to be able to suss the place out and just remember, you are there for you so you do/use what you want and get what you want out of it.
I like counting calories. I like knowing how much I've eaten in the day and how it compares with other days. I like to know that I can eat what I want so long as I stay under my calorie limit. But there is one thing I don't like. I've been finding that I'm starting to go for food choices that are easier to count.
The other day I went to get lunch and walked past a sandwich shop that looked pretty yummy. Well, the sandwiches looked yummy not the shop itself. But I decided to go next to the Maccas for a Deli Choice sandwich instead. That way it would be real simple to work out the calories, after all they are on the wrapper. So I was standing in line waiting and it struck me how insane that was. Instead of eating something I wanted, I was going to have something I didn't really want just so I could track it. Not smart.
So I left Maccas and went back to the sandwich shop. I had to guesstimate the calories but I bet it was much better for me anyway.
Definately have what you would prefer. This way you avoid cravings and overindulgences. XX
Thanks for the suggestions - yes cleaning definitely isn't something I think about doing when I want something to eat !!! I think the trouble is that I don't have enough time to get a big project going. I would love to repaint (although I repainted the whole house when we moved in) but that isn't something I just just pick up and do. Maybe I should pull some of the craft projects that are stuck at the bottom of the cupboard and see if I can get them finished !!
this is my first time to your site and i love it! very interesting!
At least you left!
Well done for having the guts to walk out. I am guilty of doing that too, mainly at night with the ww meals. Hope your sandwich was delicious :)
Haha @ the "not the shop" oh lordy I swear, hahaha.
awesome stuff - i sometimes find myself doing that too,just coz i know the points. quite often i just eat whatever i want too & stuff the points....my advice isn't always good :P
I am naturally drawn to the path of least resistance or the easier option - and this is evident in what I eat as well. Eventually when we change our patterns we will learn what the new ones are and it will be easier. So once you work out how much the sandwich is calorie wise it will be an easy choice for you in future. Have a great week.lb
Thanks for your comments today. I am with you on looking at it from the other point of view - I have often thought "I can't go and introduce myself because they will look at me and think - gosh she's fat" and have probably missed out on quite a few opportunities because of low self confidence. Not that I am a big one for introducing myself to people but I know that I have more confidence in myself now and often find myself walking taller because of that feeling.
LOL, I so know what you mean! It can be tricky. I am so glad you went back to the sandwich shop. Real food is ultimately much better. I'm still not a fan of Maccas even if they are going *healthy*.
When you are buggered after Spin class and dinner seems just too hard, an omelette is a good idea.
Weight distribution is an annoying thing. Why can't we pick where the weight goes from, instead of it coming off any old place? Surely there must be some way to encourage it to go from the bad areas.
Why is it that the more weight I lose, the more I notice my other inperfections? Like my teeth. I have bad teeth and I need much dental work. It is going to cost a fortune. I am trying to work out if it will be worth getting private health insurance.
A while back, I wrote a post (that I can't find in my archives) but basically I was being stupid, saying that if you weigh the least when you first get out of bed, then the best thing to do for weight loss is to sleep. Well, guess what? The other night at Borders I saw a book called the Sleep Diet.
Oh yeah, been meaning to post this for a while: after reading Katey Weighty's site, I ordered a couple of the Geneen Roth books off Amazon. One of them arrived the other day - "When You Eat at the Refrigerator, Pull Up a Chair - 50 Ways to Feel Thin, Gorgeous and Happy (when you feel anything but)". It's a good book and, if I'd read it about six months ago, I think I'd have gotten a lot out of it but now most of it is stuff that I've learnt, absorbed and taken on board. So, if there is anyone out there who needs this book (as opposed to just wanting free stuff), let me know, leave a comment or whatever, and I'm happy to pass it on. Oh yeah, but you'd better be in Australia cos most of the cost of the book was in getting it shipped from the US so I aint paying to send it back.
I have red spots on my body - yikes. Not good.
I am hopeless with making recipes. I never have the ingredients I need at home and, when I go to the supermarket, I can never think of recipes to make. I guess a list would help. Most of my cooking is a spontaneous kind of thing. So, I was amazed the other night to realise I had all the ingredients on hand to make a recipe I learnt when I did a course in cooking for diabetes. It is dead yummy, a brushetta type thing. You get cape seed rolls (I didn't have those so used a multigrain bagel) and squish it down flat and toast it. Then you put some seed mustard on it and a big dollop of low fat ricotta. Top that with slices of tomato with basil leaves in between. Top it with pepper and/or balsamic vinegar.
What a great collection of notes. I am so with you on the weight distribution thing. I want the weight to come off my stomach and butt FIRST not last. And I want it to come off my boobs last not first. LOL. But I am grateful it is coming off at all.
You're making me hungry! Doesn't weight come off in the reverse order that it went on?
You are right - it never comes off where you want it to when you want it to !!! Bugger !
I'm with you on the "what's with the weird places" for weight to come off???? My shoe size has gone down 2 sizes... what's with that?? and my back lol I was sad when I thought wth I have a fat back - which really shouln't be a surprise you know since all of me is Haha.
Hey Kathryn - I always have a few recipes that I can cook up with stuff from the pantry and freezer - frozen veges, pasta, cans of tomotoes or chickpeas, tomato paste and jars of herbs and garlic etc. Always a combo of something to throw together. One recipe I have at the moment is a curry - 1 can of tomotoes, 2 tblsp of curry powder, 2 teaspoons of cumin, a couple of onions diced and you can add lamb, chicken or chickpeas. I serve it with rice or pita bread and away ya go - happy tummy. Have a good week.
I love those notes!!
Mmm, can you share one of your omelette recipes and/or secrets to making a good one? I'm learning :-)
The other day I was in the queue at the supermarket and behind me was a mother with a young child. The kid was screaming and squealing and demanding chocolate in the most painful manner. The mother tried to placated him, but you could tell she was defeated before she even started. She had no conviction in her voice; she was just going through the motions.
I walked away, thinking what a stupid woman. Why didn't she just say no and mean it? Sure the kid would be upset to begin with, maybe stack on a tantrum for the first few supermarket outings but eventually he'd learn that "no" means no and would stop asking for treats. In the long run it would make the mother's life easy, be healthier for the kid and much gentler on the eardrums of other shoppers.
Easy, peasy, lemon squeezy - always is when you are solving other people's problems. But, on the way to the car, it came back to me how trying to change eating habits is like raising a toddler. For me anyway, it's like I have this angry, tantrum throwing, very persistant child inside me that won't take no for an answer. I want it, and I want it now. I scream and demand and throw myself on the ground (mentally anyway - I'm not that far gone).
I can pull all kinds of tricks - avoiding temptation or distracting myself or substituting non-food treats - but in the end, I have to be able to tell myself "no". I have to say it with a firm and uncompromising voice. If I say it often enough and with enough conviction, then the the inner brat will shut up and maybe, eventually, might even start to grow up.
What a great analogy !! We managed to get it right with Kaitlin but I am still working on getting it right with me !!!
You told Her!
I find it hard not to tell people what to do - it is a very bad habit on my part, maybe if I had more tact! I think our inner brats are growing up (a bit later than we would like) - but deep down inside there is always our inner child and brat - we just have to teach them how to behave:)
Yep, absolutely one of the best analogies I've seen lately! I know I can be a spoilt brat sometimes too LOL :-)
that is the most freakin brilliant analogy ever. thankyou! now i know i am dealing with a bratty redhaired stepchild, i know how to handle it...
I wanted to seek my fortune in the big city but the big city was a scary place and I wasn't sure how to even start...
At the time, my sister was working in the office of the local Catholic school and she had befriended a couple of the new teachers. I think it's pretty common for teachers to be sent to the country on their first jobs. One of the teachers, on hearing my fledgling dreams, had an idea. I'll get in touch with Mum, she said. Maybe you can stay with her a while until you get settled.
Mrs G was a little Polish dumpling, hardly 5 foot tall with grey hair pulled back into a tight bun, always a few wisps coming loose. Her eyes twinkled with mischief like a child's and she laughed with her whole body, slapping her knee. You had to join in, even if you didn't know what she was laughing at.
She had a few things in life that she loved with an overwhelming passion. One of these was fishing. All the fisherman knew her, most were her friends. Another was the Pope.
I was only going to stay with her for a few weeks, but ended up living there all year. It was a cheaper than a share house and far more comfortable. For Mrs G, it was a way to supplement her pension. But mostly, she loved having someone to look after. She was one of those people who almost killed you with her kindness and, with her kids left home, I think she was lonely.
Like a stereotypical European mother, she was constantly imploring me to eat, eat, cooking up delicacies, most of which were deep fried. It was the first time in my life I'd been pushed to eat and it was the first time in my life that I didn't want to eating.
The day I enrolled in Art School, I wanted to run away. It was like turning up to a party uninvited. Everyone else hung out in groups, laughing and talking and having fun. I didn't know anyone. I didn't dress like them, I didn't talk like them. I was a freak.
Just when I felt the most desolate, I looked across and saw a girl that seemed equally as alone and out of place and had a feeling we'd become friends one day.
I thought maybe things would get better once classes started. At least I'd get to know people and make friends. But things just got worse. For me, drawing and painting had always been a retreat. When I found it impossible to express myself verbally, I used art as means of simultaneously hiding yet expressing my emotions (oh yeah, and I kinda used eating as well). What a culture shock to find out that I was expected to talk about my work, and talk and talk and talk - about meanings and emotions and personal motifs. I felt like I had to learn a whole new language. But, even worse, I felt threatened, like I was being pushed to open myself up and, once I opened up, the knives would come out.
I hung out with a couple of girls I'd met on my first day but it wasn't really a friendship, we just had classes together. They were mean and petty but I didn't know anyone else. They both make comments to make me feel like a stupid, gauche country girl (because they were so sophisticated and worldly, living in Hobart).
I also made friends with Tresh, the girl I saw on enrolment. On the first day of printmaking, I met another girl, Nic, when we shared a cigarette break. But they were tentative friendships, reliant on shared classes and chance meetings.
Every second weekend I'd meet up my cousin and get a lift home for the weekend. I left my car at home because I was too scared to drive in the city. The weekends I didn't go home, I'd wander around the city exploring or I'd go fishing with Mrs G.
One day, the Art School was having a fancy dress ball and, like Cinderella, I wanted to go. Trouble was, I had no one to go with. I sent out a few feelers with the people I knew, but didn't get much of a reaction. I wasn't the sort of person to just bowl up to people I didn't know well and suggest an outing. I rang my cousin to see if she wanted to go with me but she was non-committal.
Around that time I ran into an old friend from year 12. I knew he was at art school but hadn't seen him around. Because he was studying art teaching, he'd been working at a school.
Mrs G urged me to ask him to go to the ball with me. But I couldn't. That was opening myself up to rejection and ridicule and all the things I wanted to avoid in life. Mrs G laughed. Why would he do that? Just ask, what's the worst that can happen?
This was a purely platonic thing, but I had a lot of trauma about friendships. I never felt like I could reach out to people or initiate friendships. If someone liked me, they'd offer their friendship to me. Even then, I'd not respond with enthusiasm. I had to play it cool.
A few days later, I ran into J again. I plucked up the nerve to ask him about the ball. I waited for him to mutter some transparent excuse - he was busy or maybe, he'd think about it or he had some rare disease that made it impossible to go. Instead, he thought it was a swell idea and asked me around to his place first for drinks.
I remember that night so well. Dressed as a '20s flapper girl (it was a fancy dress ball). Scared and nervous and excited in the cab, chatting to the driver about painting and the novels of Patrick White until we got to the address. She waited for me to go inside. I knocked on the door and an old woman came out. It was the wrong place. I was shattered; it was all a big joke on me.
The cab driver called me back over. She thought maybe I'd written the address wrong. We found a phone box and I called. No one answered. She told me to call again. Like the fairy godmother in the Cinderella story, she worked her magic. J answered the phone. He'd been waiting for me. I'd written down the wrong street number.
We sat around the kitchen of J's house drinking vodka. He'd lived in Hobart for a year, doing bar work, so he and his housemates had friends drop in all night. No one took much notice when two guys walked in the room. Until they flashed their badges. "Drug squad". It had to be a joke. But nobody laughed. No one slapped them on the back and said, "Hey, mate. Good one."
They took J and his housemates off to search their rooms while the rest of us sat in the kitchen under police guard. I asked the cop if I could go to the loo. Only if I had a full body search first. I crossed my legs.
The search took forever. Even when we offered helpful suggestions for possible hiding places for drugs. I laughed. I crossed my legs some more. Just when I thought my bladder would burst, the search was over. I ran to the toilet.
An experience like that bonds people. J and I became inseparable (some would say insufferable as well). I stopped going home of a weekend with my cousin. Hobart was much more fun. In life, you sometimes have the fortune to meet friends that you just have a magical connection with -around them you are funnier, smarter, cooler. The friendship becomes more than the sum of its parts. J and I had that kind of friendship.
On a certain kind of rainy day, a memory comes back to me so strong from those days. It isn't anything special or amazing or noteworthy. It isn't anything much at all. Just sitting with J in a cafe down a lane in Sandy Bay, watching the rain pelt onto the cobblestones outside, eating cauliflower soup; talking, laughing and feeling invincible.
Contentment like that doesn't last long in life. From puberty, my periods had been irregular, often skipping two or three months. But when those months started to stretch on, I got worried. I went to the doctor. I was pregnant. I had to see a gynecologist or maybe an obstetrician, one of those doctors for womanly things. He told me my pregnancy was too advanced for a termination then threw me out of his office.
I think now, if I'd fussed and cried and yelled or gone to a different doctor, I could have had the pregnancy terminated. I had only just passed into the danger zone. But I didn't. I've never been the kind of person who fusses and cries. But these things happen for a reason. It is weird to even think about having an abortion now - I can talk about in intellectual terms but can't reconcile it with the strapping great MAN who is my son.
On the inside I was screaming. I couldn't have a baby. Not me. I didn't want children. At all. Not ever. And if I did have one it would be years and years away. Not now, not growing inside me. If I had to have it, I'd give it up for adoption. That way it wouldn't be mine, would never be a part of me. I went to J's place and told him the news. I don't want to imply that J was the father, nothing is further from the truth, trust me. But he was a good friend - he listened and he commiserated and he made me laugh.
I told a few people - J and Tresh and Nic. But mostly I wanted to keep it hush hush. I'd get through this pregnancy as quickly as possible then give the baby away and life would be back to normal. I was big enough that I didn't look pregnant anyway.
I went out for my 21st birthday with my friends. Most of them didn't know. We went to Pizza Hut and someone bought a cake. I blew out the candles then stood up to cut it. Nic's boyfriend reminded me not to touch the bottom or I'd have green babies. She nearly had a fit.
One night I was at a party with some friend's of J's. I didn't know them that well and sat quietly in the corner most of the night. Suddenly I felt the baby kick. It was real. It was magic. And there was no one I could tell.
I still lived with Mrs G, but it began to get uncomfortable. I don't know whether she suspected I was pregnant or I felt guilty but things weren't right. I wanted to move out.
Meanwhile my mum and dad had separated. Mum decided that she'd move to Hobart and live with me until after I had the baby. There was no point keeping things quiet any more anyway. After I'd told my mum about the pregnancy, she'd told everyone including my little sister.
I finished the year at art school without much motivation. No matter what happened, I didn't want to go back. I spent the summer going out with my friends and sitting on our front porch, listening to Chisels on my walkman and soaking my feet in a bowl of cold water. The future stretched no further than the next meal.
After Andrew was born, I wasn't sure if I wanted to give him up. It was the biggest decision of my life and there were a million factors to consider. I discussed this with my shrink recently, and I told her all the intellectual and emotional reasoning behind my decision but it was only later I realised the decision was made at level far more primal and basic than that. When he snuggled in my arms, his soft baby skin against my face and the baby smell of him, that's when I made my decision.
It's ironic really because he's never been snuggly or smelt good since.
Wow, I'm really loving reading your story, you tell it so well.
Oh babe, I'm in tears. Thank you for sharing this with us and I think you are an amazing person! I'm glad you kept your son :-)
it is really difficult to say something when i am left totally speechless. It is not just the way you write, it is not just your openess, it is not just your story. It is you that leave me speechless, and it is out of pure admiration too!
I love your honesty, the fact that you can freely admit that your "decision" was not completely your own, that there were factors you did not have any control over and that ultimately, they won out. There's nothing like the smell of a baby and when they snuggle in...ohhh...not for me now though, but one day.
thanks for sharing Hun.
I love your story too, you write so well - I won't be surprised to hear that you've published this one day!!
No doubt you have been told you are a very talented writer before...if not..then YOU ARE! It is especially hard to write about the truth, and ones past and you do both with such 'guts' - I am overwhelmed by it all.
I LOVE reading the history of your life!!!!! You should really consider publishing!! You should be making money out of it (your writing), it's much better then most of the books I have read!!
By 8:48 am, at
Urrrgh! I put on nearly a kilo this week. It's not unexpected by still I'm mad. I got on the scales this morning and I was so angry. I felt like stamping my feet and shaking my fist. Like yelling at the person to blame...
Then I realised, there's no one to yell at. I could evoke the Great God of the Camry Digital Scales but I don't think He cares. I could justify blaming half a dozen people around me but that would take some mental gymnastics. I could blame myself and take to my bed in a fit of self loathing. But, what's the point of that?
I know I overindulged last weekend, but not that much. Sure I drank some booze and ate a few chocolates and there was that potato and cheese pancake at the Pancake Parlour. But most of the time, I made the best choices in some hard situations. And I exercised.
My sister ate like I did and lost a kilo because she "did so much walking cos she was shopping all weekend". She didn't do a fun run. She didn't push herself.
But what can I do? I've been good for the rest of the week. I've worked hard and eaten well. If I keep going like this, I'll have a loss next week. And the one after, and the one after.
This is the pure joy of being a woman. It doesn't matter what you do, if you are going to retain a bit of fluid, it is gonna happen whether you excercise like a demon or not. Just go with it and realise that next week will probably be a 1kg or more loss once that fluid pisses right back off to where it belongs.
UUrrrrrrghhhhhhhh - totally understand how you feel. Try to stick at it this week so that it can show in the future. The trouble is we all want to see it coming off NOW !!!
Hopefully it will be gone next week!
If only I had the courage !!!!
Nevermind -- the body can pull a fast one on you from time to time and it seems unrelated to any kind of reality. Continuing on the right path is what makes the difference, not any one weigh in. Go, Kathryn!
Don't let it get to you. You are doing the right things and next week will be better.
You are doing lots of great things mate - so don't let this ONE thing get you down - spur on to next week...no...run into it! Have a great weekend
No fair! Push through until the next loss and it will all be worth it. Hope next week is vetter for you!
Be good to yourself babe and just remember it was your birthday! :-)
hey sweetheart! firstly want to say thank you for your great comments on my journal.
Urrggh! My runners have been cutting into my left toes for a while, causing blisters and pain, but I've persisted. I hoped they'd get better as I wore them in but no, they've gotten worse. Last time I wore them, I ended up bleeding from where they were digging into my feet. Not good at all.
I need new runners. I have exercise to do. The most frustrating thing is that I received a letter yesterday saying my tax return had been processed and I was getting a $500 refund into my "nominated" bank account. Well, the money isn't there and I have a horrible feeling it's gone into the wrong account. I'll sort that out tomorrow and hopefully it won't take forever because I might just have bloody stumps left by then.
Agh, hope you find that money - YOU NEED NEW SHOES!!!!!
You definately can't do without comfortable running shoes! They don't have to be expensive - just comfortable!
Can't trust the Tax dept to do anything right except take your money!!! XX
Thanks. Great idea about the elbows! LOL!
Hey look on the bright side. Feet have gotta weigh a kilo each right? You may end up with stumps but you'll have lost at least a couple of kilos and you'll save a fortune on shoes!
I want to see *read* that you get yourself some new shoes pronto. A good pair of shoes is one of the most important things you need when exercising. Hope the tax money gets sorted quick smart.
In answer to the questions about spin: it's hard but you work at your own pace so not impossible. It hurts the legs a bit, but not in a bad way... - I worry more about the damage to my butt (I think that is half the motivation to kept up on the standing legs). I love it, you burn up an ass-load of calories in 45 minutes.
I went to boxing tonight. No cute boys. No cardio. And I've noticed the teacher dude spends a lot of time with the cute blonde chicks which means the rest of us spend most of the circuit time on bikes and shit. That really bugs me. If he wants to chat up chicks, he can do it on his own time.
Even though my exercising
cup (make that my water bottle) runneth over, I couldn't help but pick up a flier for tap dancing classes tonight. I love the idea of tap but my two left feet don't. I've started classes several times before and been hopeless. But I figure I'm fitter now so I'm only battling unco-ordination now. I thought to myself, if I haven't thrown out my tap shoes, I'll do it. So I checked the Suitcase of Semi-Retired Shoes and Voila! Tap class, here I come.
I'm trying to put together a home workout that combines moves from pilates, yoga, ab exercises, relaxation and stretches - the kind of stuff I know I should do but sacrifice so I can fit in more fat burning stuff. This way, I can do all that in front of the telly. Any ideas to include? I guess I should do that awful plank thing from pilates, as much as I hate it.
I am having gym dilemmas. I dunno if I mentioned this before but my old gym is $4 a class but the range of classes is getting boring. I used to like one of the instructors but her classes never change and she kinda dicks around a lot (which is uber annoying in pump class cos there is enough dicking around to set up anyway). My new gym is $10 a class (but I got a cheaper 10 visit pass) so at the moment I'm doing mix and match gym. I could join the new gym for $70 a month which I think is pretty pricey. I also have a 3 visit pass for Fitness First from my fun run showbag. I'm worried that I'll love the slick facilities there so much though I'll want to join - but I don't know because it is only near work not home and I finish my contract in December. Also, maybe Fitness First is very busy after work. Decisions, decisions.
Maybe you could try a uni gym? I know Melbourne Uni have a pretty flash one, and the membership even if you are not a student is not too steep.
I absolutely love, love, love tap dancing -- talk about a kick ass work-out. The last tap class I took (1989) almost killed me, but in a good way. I hope it works out for you.
I can't even bring myself to try a spin-class. Just sitting on a stationary bike for 5 minutes makes me feel as if I have bruised something that should have been important, or WILL be at some point *EEK!* ok, that and I saw the pants they sell that are "pre-padded" and women walking around in them...
Thanks for writing more about your spin experience. Sucks about the teacher though. I wish they wouldn't do that but I guess you've just got to try get past that or it'll do your head in. As long as you keep exercising! Tap classes sound like lots of fun too. You put me to shame woman. You are really active and open to other kinds of exercise which I find really inspiring!
I went to my third Spin class tonight. In the first class, I couldn't even stand up to pedal. My aim was to stand up like everyone else even if it was for a few seconds.
In my second class, I stood up for parts of the class (after a trial run on the bike during boxing class). My new aim was to keep with the rest of the class and do all the same moves, rather than having to sit down for parts of it.
So tonight was my third class and I did it. I kept up with everyone else. I am amazed at how quickly I've improved. Towards the end of the class, I noticed other people sitting down for a rest while I was still standing up pedalling. Then the instructor said if we felt okay, to increase the intensity and go for it and I realised I did feel okay. I pedalled my heart out for the last minute.
I rock but now I need a new aim!
I've only seen the spin classes on TV but it looks great. Must be very tiring though?!
That is so awesome. There is no better feeling than realising that you are one of the "fit" people.
Cool! An expert spinner you are!
That's so awesome Kathryn! :) I want to try RPM but I'm determined to get my fitness on the bike up a bit first. You are definitely an inspiration - maybe I'll give it a go soon. :)
WOW You do Spin!?
You know I was watching a movie the other night where a few chics were 'hitting' a spin class and I really thought that'd be kind of fun.
Spin girl spin...!
Oh Brilliant!! You're doing such an awesome job at meeting your goals Hun, it' really inspiring.
That is a fantastic result after only the third time. OMG I don't think I will attempt spinning as I watch them and it scares the hell out of me he he eh
That is awesome girl, well done! I think I will have to get over my fear of the gym and try it out too. I nearly bought a spin bike for home (it was super cool black/red) but then I thought it'd be more fun in a class and by the way you write about it, it's ace!!
I don't think I'll be losing this week - not with what I've eaten and drunk the last few days. Not that I've binged or pigged out, just eaten out a lot and gone out for drinks a lot. I'm so not used it and my system doesn't like it. I've really noticed how it affects my moods when I'm eating badly - I go from perky and happy to tired and depressed in a matter of minutes. I don't like that at all. I think the rule from now on is that I can have a few drinks if I eat well or I can have a food indulgence if I'm not drinking, but definitely not combining the two. Also I've been eating irregularly and drinking far too much coffee (my family live on coffee!). Oh well, next week normal programming resumes.
My first fun run was this morning. My mum and sister came along to watch and we were running late so I jumped out of the car and ran down to register while they parked. In the kerfuffle, I forgot to get my ipod (it's a pink ipod mini, btw). I need to set up a high energy workout playlist for these occasions.
I don't have my official time yet, but it will be up on the web site this week. I must have done well though cos mum and my sister were still looking out for me on the other side of the river when I finished. I started off way back, thinking I'd be slower than most people then got edged in and had to try to get passed people which was rather bugful. Must remember to take a water bottle next time because it's hard to walk and drink out of a plastic cup at the same time. Next time I'm doing 8 kms instead of 4 - I'm going to die.
Yes, that was me! Teal top and no ipod :)
Congrats! I'm doing a 10k run today (once I can be bothered to get out of bed, I have an hour and a half left to get up there). Must remember to take my iPod with me :)
I was behind you...you grabbed water before me...i coughed and spluttered mine (lovely!)...you're right...hard drinking out of a cup and walking at the same time. I think I passed you a couple of times, but you sprinted by me in about the last km or so...I gave up on my ipod for the final 1.5km...i need to put some more 'walk faster' music on it!
Well done, how cool is that - your first fun run!
congrats on the run! :oD all the runners have my upmost respect as you wouldn't catch me running for anything (my admited excuse is the boobs, but it's also the cigarettes to be honest! ;op)
Congrats on your run! That's terrific.
That's amazing Kathryn....excellent and once again definately inspiring! I've been hangin' out for a PINK ipod mini for months and was hoping to get one for my birthday but didn't...sigh..., there's always Christmas! Congrat's on your run, you must feel amazing.
Woohoo on the pink mini iPod! :) Yay! And I'm even greener (didn't think it was possible) since that's the same one I want! Yay pink!
Well it sounds like you had a great birthday and weekend. It must feel great to have achieved your first fun run, oh and also received your Pink iPod for your bday. I agree with the eating thing too - I feel crappy when I don't eat up to my normal standard (usually if I have too many carbs) these days and I can't imagine how I ever used to get by before feeling like that all the time - maybe that's why everyone thinks I am a cow....hehehehehe.
Whoooo hoooo on your fun run. Well done. And I gather you are hurting now ;)
Thanks everyone for the birthday greetings. I've had a great day - started off by going to the gym. Well that wasn't so great - for starters, I thought it was a 9.15 class but it was 9.30 so that threw my time schedule out of wack. Plus the class had a fill in instructor so instead of being a full on workout, it was like intro to aerobics for oldies. It didn't do that much for me.
So I had half hour to get home, get changed and get to my massage. I would have been better off skipping the gym and just walking to the massage, but I wasn't to know. My massage was fantastic - shiatsu. I've never had a shiatsu massage before and really enjoyed it, think I even dozed off for a minute - well I kinda zoned out and then realised the massage was over!
After that, I meet up with my mum and sister and we had Japanese for lunch. I love Japanese and love that it is such a light lunch since I'm going out tonight. My mum has never eaten Japanese before and was kind of nervous. I think she thought it would be all raw fish and other oddities. The waiter gave her a free miso soup because it was a lunch time deal and mum freaked. My sister and I were like - settle mum, it's just miso. But mum wouldn't even try it so I got 2 misos - woohoo!
I sat my lovely new ipod on the table all through lunch so I could look at it - hehehe! I need to get a charger for it but my sister thinks she has a spare, if she can find it.
After lunch we went to JB to see Dave McCormack do an instore. Nice of him to come out and play for my birthday. Then my sister and I went shopping and trying to get things done but didn't acheive much except lots of time in the car singing.
Then I dropped my sister back at her hotel and my other sister was there so I had a coffee with the camily while they got ready for the footy tonight and told them that St Kilda would surely lose - they all support St Kilda. My mum made me show off my sexy legs to my sister.
Now I'm home for a teensy bit of internet time before getting ready to go out tonight - drinks, dinner and rock at Revolver.
I love birthdays - I'm worse than a little kid! Oh I also had my weigh in today - I'm down to 88.8 kilos - well surpassing my birthday goal! Go me!
Go Syd-o-ney in the footy tonight! :D
Oh, I was so excited I missed you weighed in - yay you! Go girl, down to 88.8, that's awesome!! :) Well done on surpassing your b'day goal!
Happy birthday from me too!!! I am a little late but hey, its still your birthday in this part of the world!!!
Happy Birthday again from me too. It's just the dawn of your birthday here, and a big congratulations on receiving the greatest gift anyone can ever get: becoming a person you can depend on. I'm so delighted for you that you made your goal. Hope you're still having fun out there...
i just said happy bday on your other blog but wanted to say it (belatedly) again... you are truly kicking ass :)
Whooo Hoooo on blowing your birthday weight loss goal out of the window. That is just fantastic - as long as you do not drink 1.3kgs of alco-hic-ol tonight ;)
happy birthday hope you have good one and love reading your journal it's great. keep up the good work,
so proud of you for making your birthday goal, and so happy you had a nice birthday!
Happy belated birthday! Japanese food rocks!
Happy happy birthday, sorry I am a day late. You will be recovering today, no doubt. Hope it was a great night and you enjoyed rocking out on your skinny legs. So wicked that you have reached the three fat ladies (88.8)
Glad you are having a great birthday. Well done on surpassing your birthday goal. That is fantastic!
So glad to hear you had a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY !!! I bet your family are bummed about the football result !!!
88.8 is AWESOME!!! I'm so happy you've done better then your goal. Brilliant and inspiring.
the massage sounds amazing, i've only ever had deep tissue massage, which isnt the most relaxing!
It sounds like a great day! :-)
congrats on surpasing your own expectations! that's always a nice feeling! (personally, i always set the lowest expectations for this purpose! ;op)
There are some questions I've been pondering lately, and I thought I might see what you think:
That's about it. Well except for the 'should I go to Cuba for a holiday?' question that's also been popping into my head. I dunno why Cuba, it just appeals to me at the moment. Oh and the other question - am I getting an ipod for my birthday - but that will be resolved tomorrow.
As to the tummy tuck - I honestly think my answer would be no - I have had a laparotomy before - and even though it is only a 10cm scar...i can't imagine the recovery that would be involved. i am hoping that the earlier I tone, the less the flab! I do the swim thing ;) $4 is a rip off! and under no circumstances a solarium because I have a friend who got melanoma from using one. Though I wouldn't say no to a bit of fake tan! Happy Birthday for tomorrow!
Good questions all:
Love your list - here's my answers.
1. tummy tuck: no. partly because of what surgery implies and involves. partly because... i don't know. i think i'd try to find other "natural" ways...
ah. just read debra's comment about the solarium. so no solarium (didn't know all that...!)
Firstly, HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY - HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL 20KG LESS BIRTHDAY 8-) In response to your pondering - Tummy Tuck - if it wasn't improving with exercise YES. Pool - Yes give it a go and play dumb if anyone caught me. Solarium - yes - I feel better when I am browner and I feel skinnier (don't know why that works in my head but quite often people comment about that). Have a wonderful birthday.lb
Happy Birthday to you. Have a wonderful wonderful day. Wow what a difference to last years birthday. Hope you plan on having a fantastic year.
Yes to Cuba, yes to iPod, happy birthday you!!
Tummy tuck - I have thought about it and I would do it if I felt I needed to and if I really felt I'd given it a good go with lots of exercise and all that. Oh, and if I could afford to just spend the money on myself like that, which is highly unlikely!
Interesting questions... making me think of a fully stomach BLEH!
Happy Birthday Kathryn!
origh...i can't resist to interesting questions so here's my opinion:
1. I'm at goal and still flabby. Why? Because I didn't do any toning exercises. I've started doing situps etc and the flab is changing, moving, going now. So to answer your question, nope. No tummy tuck for this chook no matter the money situation but then if I had money, I wonder if I'd be a different person with different ideals?
I was on a forum today where people were discussing what their goal weight is and how they set it. A couple of people said that they set their goal to be what they weighed in high school and found it very hard to get to that weight. They could live a comfortable lifestyle and be a few kilograms about it, but to get to their goal they had to cut the calories right back.
I thought, why bother? What difference does 1-2 kilograms make (unless you are like 2 foot tall)? Why live a miserable life to be the same weight as you were in high school? It doesn't make sense to me.
I was thinking about this on my walk tonight. How do you know when to stop? I set my goal to be 70 kilograms because it was an even 40 kilograms to lose. The top of my healthy weight range is 73 kilograms. If I lose more than 40 kgs, well and good but I am not going to care.
So my pact with myself is this - when I get to 70 kilograms, I'm packing away the scales. I'll rely on other means to judge my size - measurements and clothes and things. At the moment, I want to lose weight and the scales are the best way to judge that, but when I'm at goal I want my focus to be on toning and staying healthy, not on "oh my god, I'm 65 kilos and I can't be happy unless I'm 64!" - who needs that shit?
ps. I'm ahead of the plan anyway, cos I weigh less now than I did at sixteen!
pss. I said "when I'm at goal" not "if" - I didn't even have to think about it. I think my brain is shedding some of it's weight too!
Fabulous pact, Kathryn. Goals are great but even better is the life that's lived in balance and moderation including a healthy concern with oneself but also including many other things outside oneself. Weight maintenance should not consume one's whole life.
Excellent points to raise, "goal" needs to be realistic and also it is simply a number. I weight after a wee as I don't want to register the water weight and the difference can be 500g - that could be the number that is keeping me away form the magic number one day. No thanks, don't need those issues.
Aaah, so wise! As long as you're in the 'healthy' range, and comfortable in your body and clothes, then the scales are just a number and not the be-all-and-end-all.
that's a great pact! i mean what's in a kilo anyway? it's rather how you feel in you pants, naked etc that matters rather than what the scale say, i'd say.
I agree 100% with that. I set a target that was a nice round number and just within an ideal weight for me, but if I'm within a decent distance of it, I'll be fine. In my mind I've set a target "zone", ranging from a bit lighter than my target to a bit heavier, it's quite a big area and once I get there I might refine it a bit, but to be honest, anywhere within that zone would an achievement. Actually, where I am today is an achievement, but I still feel I can lose more doing what I'm doing. They day I don't feel that any more is the day I try to maintain, I'm not going to push for an artificially low weight that I'll have to deprive myself to maintain.
You are fantastic! I love the way you think and thank you for sharing :-) Just being in the healthy weight range should be goal enough, not what we weighed in High School. How bizarre. I will have to go down to my 60s. Scary and then I'll lose what's left of my boobs!
Another awesome post! I don't know why people care what weight they were in high school - that was then, this is now. Some people haven't even finished growing/developing in high school for cripes sake! Our bodies change as we get older and that is a fact of life. For most people that means getting heavier. Of course for some of us our goal is to be lighter that we were in high school, but that's okay too!
Awesome pact, it's great that you're thinking "when" instead of "if" and knowing that after a certain point a losing can be as unhealthy for you as it started off being healthy [did that make sense?]
I'm determined not to let goal weight take over my life. Supposedly, my goal is 76kg, but when I get to 85kg I'm going to reassess that - with the help of the man, the teenager and the sister.
Do you know what? I just spent an hour of WORK TIME reading through some of your past entries, including your Faves on the left hand side and I'm freaken amazed that you are so honest, real, open, trusting and insightful, and there are tons of fantastic entries where NO-ONE HAS COMMENTED!!!! If I had more time I would of commented on every one, everything you said has come from your heart and you are a marvellous writer!! I'm so pleased I found this blog!!!!
Very sensible. Get within the healthy range, that's what matters and how you feel yourself, not what a graph table says you have to be.
I've sat here and typed a huge long respone to your post from a person who hasn't got alot of weight to lose, and whatlosing 2kgs means to me, but when I read it back it sounded really condesending and stuck up, so I've deleted it.
Me again. M said it is your birthday tomorrow so Happy Birthday and have a great day!
ditto than lady suzy! happy birthday!!!!
I went to boxing tonight and was thinking it really isn't that much of a cardio workout - they spend a lot of time on technique when we aren't left on our own to do the (very confusing) circuit.
Then I looked around the predominantly male class, most of whom are very pleasing to the eye and I thought cardio, schardio - there's plenty here to get my heart rate up!
LOL great to get some exercise while you are enjoying the view at the same time!
Hi Kathryn. This is my first visit to your site, and I really enjoyed reading through the last month or so's entries. Well done on 20kg gone FOREVER, sounds like you've overcome some real hurdles.
Hahah you crack me up. AT least you can indulge in the [eye] candy without it creeping on your thighs
Hmmmm, not many eye-candy blokes at my gym!
You should wear sunnies at the gym like those old pervys so the guys can't see where your eyes are lookin 8-) Your waxing experience sounded like a real nuisance - I agree consumer affairs or fair trading may be interested in hearing about them. Have a good week with a special day coming up soon.......
You go girl! The uni swim squad (mainly male) are usually training when i go for a swim...which is NICE!
LOL! I like watching the spunky boys do weights. Dunno why but it motivates me to work that little bit harder... ;)
One of the beauty shops near me has had a sign out for ages advertising half price waxing on Mondays and Tuesdays so last week I rang up and booked in for today. When I made the appointment, I mentioned the half price special.
So today I get a phone call asking if I can come in early. I told her I couldn't because I was leaving work early anyway, then I said I'd try to get there five minutes or so early. She said, so I'll expect you at 4.45 then and hung up. My appointment was for 5 o'clock. I thought about rocking up at 5 anyway but then realised she had the power to cause me pain.
I got there 10 minutes early, got shown into the room and prepared myself then waited for about 10 minutes for her to come back. So much for being early. She waxed my legs and it really bloody hurt. When I first started getting my legs waxed, I went to a girl in Hobart who was brilliant - it didn't hurt at all. Then, when I lived in St Kilda, I'd go to the Russian women who hurt like hell. But the girl today was so rough, it even hurt when she was scraping the waxy spatula thing up my legs. Not good.
So after the waxing I went to pay and she charged me full price. I said to her that it should be half price and she said they don't have that special any more. I didn't say anything, but should have since I'd asked about it on the phone. She said they'd taken down the sign and were having new specials. As I was leaving, I noticed the half price sign still on the door. But what could I do? I wasn't prepared to haggle over the price with her.
I was furious. I feel so ripped off. It wasn't that much money but I hate people who do things like that. She is stupid anyway - there are so many beauty places in this neighbourhood that I'm certainly never going back there. I think I might call Consumer Affairs tomorrow.
Right now, I'm tired and cranky and feel like crawling into bed but I won't. I'll go to boxing class instead because I'm a trooper.
Thats so rude! shouldnt hurt that much either! maybe write a formal letter of complaint, they do wonders!
OH My ****in' Gosh!
I think you should do something - write a letter, phone or send an e-mail - what she did was just wrong and she shouldn't be allowed to get away with it.
I can just picture her. I have definately come across her type before and you know what, they do it because they get away with it. Go get her girl! Make sure you tell everyone you know not to go there too....just one unhappy customer has lots and lots of power!
Grrr, very rude! Time for a new beautician and spreading the word to all your friends. Bad news travels like wildfire. Otherwise just take it in your stride and realise that her life must be pretty shitty. Karma gets us!
Once I was poor and earnt little money. If the government made stupid decisions, I was annoyed but didn't take it personally. Now I earn a bit more money and seem to pay a helluva lot more tax so when the government is thinking about something so unbelievably moronic like giving Medicare rebates to people for going to Jenny Craig, I feel like I am personally being robbed.
I can't find the story to link to, but news story yesterday said that the government are thinking about giving doctors the ability to refer patients to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig, the patient could then claim 85% of the fee back from Medicare. I know obesity is a growing concern but I don't see how this is going to help. Especially Jenny Craig - will that teach people better nutrition? Will it help them break bad eating habits? I don't think so. In fact, I don't know anyone who's been to Jenny Craig and lost weight permanently.
Now I'm no weight loss expert, but I do know that it takes a helluva lot more than front up to some weight loss organisation to get results. Even with Weight Watchers - sure it works for some people, but even then I think they are the ones that are motivated enough to lose weight on their own. You don't lose weight just by going to Weight Watchers (trust me, I know this from experience). If you are motivated to lose weight, then WW can give people the tools and the support to help them. But you will never, ever lose weight just by turning up at the meeting each week (well unless you live miles away and walk there).
And I really don't think Australia is full of obese people bemoaning the fact that could lose weight if only they could afford to go to Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. When I started losing weight, I was insanely poor. I was out of work and getting enough money on the dole to cover my rent and nothing else. My son was getting a pissy amount of Youth Allowance which had to pay the rest of our living expenses. My mum and sister were going to Weight Watchers and I thought, bugger that. I can do this on my own. I'm not paying $16 a week just to get weighed. So I went to the markets and bought cheap, fresh food and I got out the running shoes and went walking.
To lose weight, I think you need to have two things going for you - you have to want to lose weight, really want it not just think you should or have that wafty "wouldn't it be nice..." kind of feeling. You have to have a burning fiery passion. And you have to believe that you can do it. That it is possible for you to make changes in your life. Without those two things, you can throw all the money in the world at weight loss and all you are doing is making some fat cats in the weight loss industry even fatter and nobody any thinner.
To me, a decision like this would feel like I'm being stole from - that the government is taking money that I could use on my own weight loss, for gym fees or new running shoes, and putting it right in the hands of big corporations. But then, that seems to be what the Australian government is about at the moment - stealing from the needy to line the pockets of their corporate buddies. It makes me so angry.
You've essentially framed the arguments from both sides of the have-have not divide, but more importantly, you've highlighted the essential ingredient in weight loss: taking responsibility for oneself. Anything that dilutes that (like government hand-outs) is bound to be mostly money wasted, unfortunately.
I agree (even though I'm a Kiwi and int's not my money you're talking about!). If they want to ehlp the overweight, maybe classes on nutrition etc would be better - as you say, give people the tools to do it themselves.
I guess they're thinking that spending money on this now will save them on health later. All on a health system that will be privatised before we know it; for lots of earners it probably is!
You said it! You have to really want to do it because no one can do it for you. WW aren't going to be there when you pick up that cake or choccy at the supermarket.
I planned to walk home from work today but it was ridiculously cold so I went to my contingency plan - spin class. I am getting so much better at the standing up riding in spin class now (as opposed to my last class - zero) but the instructor came over in the middle of the class and told me that I needed to use a much higher resistance when I do it or I'd wreck my knees. Yikes, and I'd thought my resistance was way high anyway.
Now I know when the instructors do that kind of stuff, it's for my own good and they are trying to help but I hate it. I growl and sneer (but only when they aren't looking).
After spin I usually feel like dying but tonight instead I felt like dyeing (and who can resist a bad pun?) Ever since my bad dye job of a few weeks ago, I've been wanting to fix it so today I got a cheap rinse (red raven - and I'd always thought raven's were black) from Priceline.
Normally when I do a home dye job, I get dye everywhere but tonight I managed to be quite tidy about it - go me. Pity I grabbed the wrong towel instead of the old one. I finished it off with a hot shower and much massaging with body scrub. My thigh muscles are getting rather defined, I noticed as I was scrubbing. The upper inner thigh is still flabby but the muscles are starting to show - woohoo!
Since it's my birthday week, I am having lots of me time - dyeing my hair tonight, leg and eyebrow wax tomorrow, shiatsu massage on Friday followed by lunch with my mum and sister. I love ME time. The only downside of this week is that I have little exercise time - I am either going to have to get up early and exercise before work or get up early and get to work early so I can fit the exercise in. Both options involve getting up early and I don't like that.
I am thinking of changing my next goal. I want to lose another 10 kilo before Christmas but today I decide to set my goal to 83 kilograms - that would take me from that awful, nasty "o" word on the weight charts to the slightly less offensive "o" word of overweight. That surely is something to aspire to. I want to be 83 kilograms by the end of October - Overweight October, I'll call it.
Finally, after the success my No Stirfry Challenge the other week - I pushed myself way out of my cooking comfort zone - I want to try a new cooking challenge. I'm thinking a Pulses and Legumes challenge could be needed.
I have been reading posts from you perhaps once a month or twice.
WHOO HOO! You're a Virgo too :-) It's my bday week as well. The spin classes sound awesome and I love the sound of muscle definition in your thighs. It's nice to notice all your hard work.
Oh, pulses and legumes challenge, that's a really good one. :)
Yesterday I ate bad. I don't think I went too far over my daily calories but I ate for the wrong reasons. I'm beginning to realise that me at home and not feeling 100% = bad eating. Me at home and no exercise = bad eating. Me at home and bored = bad eating. That's what happened yesterday.
I woke up this morning and realised that just because yesterday was a bad day, it doesn't mean today has to be. It doesn't mean any other day of my life has to be like that. Sure, it won't be perfect, but there is no big hole for me to sink in to. It isn't a pass/fail mark. It's just doing the best I can.
I worry about whether I can sustain my efforts long term, like I'm on the high wire: I need total focus and concentration to keep every little element in balance. But it doesn't have to be like that and it shouldn't be like that - this is part of my life, not my whole life.
It's good be able to start afresh, to be able to say: "well that was yesterday, today is going to be different." Today I'm going to exercise and maybe even go for a walk that isn't for exercise - not to burn calories but to explore and enjoy.
What a great attitude - you are right - just because yesterday didn't go well doesn't mean the rest of your life has to be like that - well done - such a great move forward for you.
Hi Kathryn, As I wrote back in July, at least you didn't say this to yourself: “Oh, well, I’ve blown it now. Might as well have everything I’ve been craving and denying myself for the last 4 months, 4 weeks, 4 days, 4 hours, whatever." That’s like saying, “Oh well, now that I’ve bumped the mailbox on the way out the driveway, I might as well smash my car into the brick wall of my office building, sideswipe a fire hydrant at lunch, and take out a row of palm trees on the way home."
i'm sorry, but i really need to do this...
sorry again. now a more normal comment:
Yes it is a great attitude. Always start afresh and don't look back!
You have the right idea - life goes on and we go with it. As M noted on her blog a while ago an excerpt from a Louise Hay book in relation to support groups - "There is help wherever we turn" and I think we just need to remember that at difficult times that we do have each others support. Hope you enjoyed your walk and have a great arvo.lb.
I really like this post. I think you hit the whole weight loss journey spot on and why we should focus on lifestyle changes, not weight loss itself. I think it is important to like the changes you make in your life too :-) Thanks for reminding me.
I love that there is always a tomorrow. I had a poor weekend, but I am not turning it into a poor week. You had a bad day, it doesn't mean it has to go on. And what is a bad day anyway? A bit of overindulging. Not so bad really as long as it is not a sustained effort.
What a great attitude and what a great post. So true that just because yesterday was a bad day doesn't mean today or the next day or the one after that have to be.
Despite yesterday's pumped-up-edness, I've got a bad attack of the blahs today. I'm not sure what's wrong but lately I don't seem to be able to sleep for more than five hours at a time. That doesn't make for a happy me.
I had a few drinks with friends last night then felt really nauseous and had to come home but, instead of going to bed, I pottered around until 2.00 am then I woke up at 7.00 this morning. I decided to head to the market. It bugs me no end later in the day when the market is overcrowded, especially the old ladies with their trolleys. So I got in and out with no fuss, no muss at 8.30 this morning, picking up some special treats - pumpkin gnocchi that I might have for dinner tonight and two bunches of flowers - red roses and white rumnuculus (sp?).
A few posts ago, I talked about how disappointed I felt because my family is going to be in Melbourne next weekend for my birthday but instead of going out with me they were doing football-related activities.
I spoke to my sister this morning and told her that I was very pissy that they would give their football-related activities priority over me. She was like, "what?" and I explained. Seems we had crossed wires. Her and my other sister had been thinking of staying in Melbourne for the whole week so when she was talking about doing things on the Saturday night she hadn't meant next Saturday but the Saturday after that. She was amazed that I'd even think that she would ditch me on my birthday.
I think a nap is in order then maybe some exercise, a nice dinner then a movie.
I know what you mean about the markets. I get very cranky if we go too late in the day - I'm working on my patience though! I'm a bit lacking in that department at times. :)
I don't know about you, but I notice that any alcohol consumption in the evening *definitely* affects my ability to sleep at night.
Hope you are feeling less blad tomorrow. Take care and have a great day !
hope u feel better tomorrow. & awesome that u wil get to see your family afterall! elldone on reaching 20kgs lost, thats amazing!
Alcohol always makes me feel blah the next day. Sometimes it's worth it; most of the time it's not. Hope you feel better soon, though.
Sleep deprivation certainly doesn't help the attack of the blahs. Harder to shake. I hope you've been able to get more sleep!
Wow, thanks for all the congratulatory messages (well except for Mr Anon who managed to slip his spammy message through the filter). You know, I think one of the key ingredients in making this work is having so much online support.
I'm not a member of Weight Watchers or any other RL weight loss groups and it can be hard to go this alone. But all I have to do is get online and know that there are so many others out there that are going through the same thing. It is the best support group in the world!
Whether it's through reading a post by someone going through the same thing and knowing I'm not alone; reading something that triggers a 'cha-ching' moment; getting recipes or exercise ideas from someone else or taking my thoughts out online rather than to the fridge, not to mention all the supportive comments - sometimes the whole blogging things is all that keeps me going.
I laughed when I read M & Debra's comments because the first thing I did when I bought my notebook was to write a dedication to myself inside (I got a groovy silver pen to go with the red paper). Almost psychic really.
This journal is to commemorate me losing 20 kilograms. I did it. It wasn't always easy but i kept on going and didn't give up. I've worked hard to get to where I am today and I'm proud of me. I'm far healthier and stronger than I was 12 months ago and I will continue getting healthier and stronger.
Love that dedication!
That dedication is honest and inspirational. Congrats on your 20k loss.
It is all about you and acknowledging that it's your responsibilty as well is the biggest step to achieving this and making it stick! I look forward to following your journey some more :-) Thanks for sharing!
What a fabulous dedication - and WOOHOO on getting the spiffy notebook and sexy silver pen! :)
You're damn straight it's all about you. It always has been :)
Today is weigh in day: 89.4 kilos. Woohoo! 20.7 kilograms gone forever.
Yikes, I can't even write "gone forever" without having this nagging voice that says, "well maybe not forever." I need to get a big stick and bash that voice until it shuts the hell up.
When I started this blog, in June 2003, I had a simple plan - I would lose 20 kilograms in 20 weeks. Boy, was I naive. That resolution dwindled away to nothing real fast. I started again in February this year and had another plan. I'd lose 20 kilograms then maintain that for a few months then start on the next 20 kilograms. That seemed achievable.
Along the way, I had some huge issues come up in my personal life. See, earlier this year, I got into some financial trouble. I do contract work and that dried up for quite a while. Then I got behind on my rent (I was paying more rent than I could comfortably afford anyway). Around this time, I was really focused on weight loss. Everything else in my life was going crazy and I was very depressed but the weight loss was something I could control. It was a whole new way of dealing with problems for me.
Then things got worse - I got evicted from my home and my son and I had nowhere to live and still no chance of working. To make life even easier, my car broke down. I walked out of my old house, taking only the things I thought we needed. I felt so bad about that but I had no time to pack properly. All my time and energy needed to be directed toward finding somewhere else for us to live.
I put the weight loss on hold until I got everything sorted. With lots of support, financial and roof-over-head-ial and shoulder-to-cry-on-ial from my family and friends, I found a place for my son close to his uni and a temporary solution for me. Meanwhile, I got offered a contract role for 3 months that paid rather well (since then, the contract has been extended until the end of December, which will let me get some savings built up).
The "on hold" part of my diet kept going. I moved into my temporary accomodation - a room in a share house, with no computer, no phone, no telly and my car not working. Hell, the first weekend after I moved in, I realised that my son had forgotten to pack the cord for my stereo. All I had for entertainment was my clock radio. I made excuses to do things after work, delaying that moment I'd have to walk into the door of my bleak room. That was the hardest moment of the day. I'd always loved that moment of homecoming - the tiny rituals - greeting my son and finding out about his day, opening the mail, checking my email. But, at my temporary place, I had none of those. I'd walk in the door and that would be it. No one to say hello to, nothing.
It took a lot to find my momentum again. I think that was a pivotal time for me. I had all the reasons in the world to comfort eat and put off restarting my efforts for a bit longer and a bit longer until I'd regained all the weight I'd lost. But instead I decided enough was enough. I had to get back into it. Luckily I have a great (and very cheap - $4 a visit) gym near my new home.
It's taken a while but things are really coming together. The "temporary" solution is starting to become home. I think I'll live here for a while longer. I have things - a computer and the internet, a television (that isn't actually tuned in but I can watch dvds on it - I've never had my own dvd player before, I used to use my son's playstation). My car is working fine (touch wood, although it needs a service).
I feel like I've made it. I'm out of the woods, the evil monster slain. I really want to celebrate these first 20 kilograms gone. It isn't just a weight loss victory, but a victory over all that shit life has thrown at me this year. I haven't just survived it, but I've survived it and come away stronger. Not just lighter, but mentally stronger too.
ps. at lunchtime today, that pretty red notebook will be *mine*.
Your blog gets 2 thumbs up. I put a sight together you might find appealing. It’s has everything from HP Pavilion ZV5404US Notebook PC to a variety of notebook computer topics.
By 6:43 am, at
Wow! 20.7kgs. That is fantastic! Well done and it WILL be gone forever!
Well done hon!! You have certainly come a long way on your journey and should be really proud of yourself :-) AND it is forever! Life sure gets in the way sometimes but you got to your first big major goal and it doesn't matter how long it took, you got there. You are a great inspiration!!
Well done!!! Great attitude change. We were all a bit naive to begin with thinking "Oh this won't take that long!!" We were all wrong but being able to stick at it is an achievement in itself and for that I congratulate you!!! XX
Of course it is forever! That is fantastic...congratulation, enjoy the notebook :)
Forever, Forever, Forever - you have come so far and through some pretty tough times but you have obviously learnt a lot along the way...Well done on achieving your goal and enjoy your Red notebook.
WOW. I am awestruck by your determination and acheivement. Thanks for sharing all that with us.
Another inspirational update - well done ! Gosh when you look back at what you have achieved you really deserve your little red notebook !!!
I have just re-discovered your blog through Mary :o)
Congratulations on making your first goal!!
Well done. *quietly applauds* You have shown that circumstance can make it difficult but not impossible to pull in the reigns of bad habits. You have done extraordinarily well in the face of adversity.
You have come a long way. And your journey is amazing
good on ya... you are such a tough cookie. makes us readerfolks proud :)
Congratulations, Kathryn. You've shown that you can make a difference in your own life no matter what, which is just a great as losing the 20.7 kgs. (45.6 pounds in the US). It's an enormous accomplishment. The first thing you should write in your red notebook is: "I'm proud of myself."
Way to go! You are so right to be so proud of yourself, you've done so well. Good on you! :)
WOW this is the fristtime ive read this blog and WOW im over whelmed! if u dont mind ill be reading more often :P 20.7kgs! what an effort well done!!!!!
Isn't it great to feel hungry? Not in a starving yourself, eating disorder kind of way, but having a good appetite for meals (heaven help anyone who got in my way when I was going for lunch today).
See for many years, I rarely got hungry. I'd get to work and have a coffee then a morning snack (maybe a yoghurt and museli because it was healthy and good for me) and several more cups of coffee. I'd have food on my desk and the hand-to-mouth action would be going without me even noticing. I'd look down and realise all my maltesers or m&ms were gone and couldn't even remember eating them.
Then it would be lunch time. And I'd have to eat. That's what you do at lunchtime. Sometimes I'd not even feel like eating, but I'd still go out and get a large container of pasta or chinese food. Lunch was always something from a bain marie. After lunch, I'd head to the munchie machine for my afternoon chocolate. I'd get a sausage in batter or some dim sims at the train station after work or maybe a chocolate or maybe all three if the train was delayed.
When I got home, Andrew would be hungry so I'd have to make dinner. But I didn't feel like making dinner because I was stuffed. So we'd fight a while and if one of us didn't cave in, we'd just dial pizza.
After dinner, we'd need a little treat so maybe we'd get a cake of chocolate or something. Just to take the edge off.
It makes me sick to think about eating like that now. I embrace my hunger. Hunger is good and natural and tells you it's time to eat. Your body says something and you respond.
Lately, I've been too hungry though so I tried an experiment today. Instead of just my sachet of Uncle Toby's Oat Temptations for breakfast, I mixed in some other instant porridge (about half the size again of the amount in the sachet - if that makes sense.
Usually I wolf down my apple as soon as I get to work or hang out, watching the clock until 10.00 to eat it. This morning I was fine. At morning tea time, my boss handed out some apple bun he'd bought in so I had a small piece of that. Not something I'd normally have but not diabolically high in calories.
At lunch time I tried eating more too - I usually have a couple of sushi rolls or some rice paper rolls, sometimes with miso soup. Today I had a salad sandwich (why do most sandwich shops over-protein their ready-made sandwiches? You don't need ham AND cheese) and I also got a small bowl of fruit salad with a dollop of low fat yoghurt.
You know, I hope there is a special place in hell for people who say there is NO mayo on their sandwiches when really there is. That is bald-faced lying and unforgivable.
After all that food, I just couldn't eat my afternoon apple. I thought about it but was way too full. Normally I have a piece of fruit then want something else as well.
Good healthy meals to fill a healthy appetite, that is the new me. I love it.
Hi Kathryn....I really understand where your coming from with this posting. I have had the same habits in the past and the great thing is when you become "awake" to them and embrace a new habit 8-) Have a great evening...lb
I'm still into this habit. Too much food goes in my mouth without even realising I'm eating it.
I just signed up for the series of Spring into Action fun runs - 4 km for the first one and 8 km for the other two. I've never walked 8 km in my life! What am I thinking?
If anyone is doing these fun runs or wants to, let me know because I'm doing them on my own and don't want to feel like a Nigel No-Friends.
I thought about signing up for Spring into Action - but it was way too expensive for me at the moment.
re your comment about my tramp. No they don't take up much room. I keep mine under the bed and I don't fold it up. I bought it for under $50 at KMART and have used it nearly every day for 10 months and it is still perfect. Great to use indoors and watch TV or listen to music when you want to get fit without going out sometimes.
I truly would love to join you mate but it would be a long swim across the Tasman and I think I would be buggered by the time I got there. I will cheer you on though!!
Good on you for signing up!
I decided not to do this seris of runs, purely because I'm doing so many others.
When I was growing up, we'd have meat and three veg every night for dinner. My sister and I always complained but that's what Dad wanted and he was the one that earned the money. I swore when I left home, I'd never eat meat and three veg.
Our favourite meals were the ones we had when dad wasn't home. We would have grilled cheese on toast or tomato soup or mashed vegies. Mashed vegies was my favourite, a huge bowl of all the vegetables we had boiled up and mashed together with a well of butter in the middle and a big dollop of tomato sauce on top.
When I left home, I discovered stir fries and a million things to do with pasta that didn't involve bolognaise (spag bol was as exotic as we got at home). I fell in love with garlic and chilli and capsicum. For many years I didn't eat much red meat at all, except for mince. Hell, I couldn't afford meat and when I did buy it, I didn't know how to cook it.
But lately, I've been cooking steak for the first time in my life. Steak is really good. Of course I buy a dainty little sandwich steak, devoid of fat, not a half-cow sized chunk. While I grill it, I cook a spud in the microwave then pop that under the grill to crisp up the skin and then boil up some vegetables. It is the quickest and easiest tea. A bit fancier than the old meat and three veg, but not much.
Mmm....got me thinking of steak now. Dinner time! I don't eat very much meat but I do like a good steak.
Every time I lose 5 kilograms, I buy myself something to celebrate the occasion. I don't like to think of these as rewards, more as something to mark the achievement (it's a small difference in words, I guess).
I like themes and wanted to make these markers small but memorable, so I decided to buy things in red. That way, I'd end up not only with a healthy body but with all these cheerful red things around me that would remind me of my hard work.
For the first 5 kilograms I bought red nail polish. I'm wearing it at the moment.
For 10 kilos, I got a red coffee mug.
For 15 kilos, I got a lovely plate with a red cherry blossom picture on it (I also love cherry blossoms and if I find anything with a cherry blossom picture on it, I always want it - I have a Nicole Cerini bag with cherry blossoms that I adore and there is a cherry blossom doona cover at Freedom that I'm gagging for)
So, the big 20 is coming up. I was thinking about getting the red bowl to match my red mug, but then I was at Officeworks the other day. They had this most lovely notebook - red vinyl cover with the word "Glamourpuss" stamped into it and red paper inside. Red paper. It had a cord that wrapped around it with a red vinyl heart. I loved it. I think that will be my 20 kilos lost celebration.
Just need to get rid of this last few grams. I want that notebook so bad. I'm like a little kid with stationery. There was a matching pencil case too.
What a great idea. It's good to have nice things to look forward to and every time you look at the wonderful red items you will be reminded of all your hard work and wonderful achievements.
Oooh! Yay for red - and massive yay for that folder with RED paper! That is truly awesome. :)
I totally get the play on words. I like to think of "marking" an achievement too. I never was good at the whole rewards thing because when I want/need something, I just buy it.
I'm working backwards. Lots to catch up with on your blog :-)
Hi there....The Red idea is brilliant. I have a lot of trouble with rewarding myself, as like Mary when I want something I just get it. So I have to rely on wanting to be healthier sooo badly that I motivate myself to do it by the way I feel - not sure if that makes sense. Have a good week and good luck with your goal for your birthday.
I love your idea. For my first 5kgs I got my eyebrows done - which was great - but it's not really something to remind me of what I have achieved, especially when they get bushy again :)
I am so into red at the moment. I have bought red polish too and those red bags at Glamourpuss are on my list. I just love it. I have a red phone, and a red notepad.
I love the glamourpuss stuff. I think the notebook is not from the same range though - just the same name cos they had pink ones with "chic" on them too. But now I want that glamourpuss cherry blossom bag!
That's a really great idea! For us ladies I think a Red handbag would be good aswell, I know a site that specializes in red handbags here
I just realised I'm almost guaranteed of a weight loss next week - I'm getting my legs waxed! I reckon that will be a good 2-3 kilos of winter growth coming off. You could almost weave it into a coat.
It isn't one of my stupider weight loss ideas. The other day, I had a new body scrub and actually wondered if it'd be lighter once I sloughed off those dead skin cells.
By the way, it didn't work.
I always think that when I have my hair cut! I never learn...
I think that is a great idea for weight loss. Up there with my "literally laughing your arse off" theory. A swing in the dark, maybe!!
Tonight I went to boxing class at the gym. We started doing warm ups on the bikes. Both times I've been to spin class, I've tried standing up on the bike and haven't been able to do it and it is as frustrating as hell. That has kind of put me off spin class - it isn't as good a workout if you can't do the standing stuff, but then how am I going to get strong enough to stand if I don't go to class?
So anyway, in boxing tonight, the instructor made us stand on the bikes for 10 second sprints. I tried it and I did it. I was so excited... I felt like wooping (but I didn't).
We learnt technique. There were a few new people in the class. The instructor asked if any of the guys had boxed before. I resented the implication in that statement and was going to say, "Excuse me, but I've boxed before." But then I remembered I hadn't. Oops.
Then we did a circuit. Mostly speed ball, with some punching bag. My arms are killing me.
After class, I went to my son's place and we got pizza. I wanted souvlaki but the souvlaki shop was shut. So we got the pizza and went back to his place. I had two slices which still kept me under my calories for the day - woohoo! And that was without allowing for the exercise.
Good on ya!
Arrgghh! My weight's gone back up. I'm blaming my period. I've been doing everything right so that's the only thing that could be causing a gain. Well okay, I did go to a party on Friday night but I only had 2 (well, one and a half) alcoholic drinks and I did have some finger foods but I'd allowed for that. Maybe there will be a big loss next week when I'm post-menstrual (is that a word? It should be - if you can be pre-menstrual then you can be post). Maybe I should stop weighing myself so damn much too.
Here is my tip for when you are overwhelmed by chocolate cravings - ovalteenies. Ovalteenies rock - they are yummy and chocolatey but lack the calories and fat of real chocolate. Ovalteenies are my friends. Well, they would be but food isn't my friend any more. I'm not allowed to be friends with food. We just have a working relationship now.
I walked home from work again tonight. The walk is getting much easier - either I'm getting fitter or I'm learning the shortcuts.
Finally, I've had a bit of an issue come up in my life... See in a week and a bit, it's my birthday and I'd been planning a ME day followed by a party with my friends. Then, on the weekend, I found my mum and my two sisters are coming over for my birthday weekend. The thing is, they aren't coming for my birthday. They are coming to go to a football game. I mean, fair enough, they can do both but it gets worse.
They decided instead of going out with my friends on the Friday night, we'd go out and have a family dinner. All fine and good, I thought. It would be much easier keeping my family and friends seperate. One of my sisters was going to come to dinner with my friends then decided she "couldn't afford it".
So I was all set for a Saturday night dinner. But no, we won't be going to dinner on the Saturday because my sister's want to go the "after party" for the football game.
Instead, I am supposed to go to dinner on Thursday night with my mum and one of my sisters (the other sister doesn't get to town until Friday night). I said I didn't want to do that because I'd miss my class at the gym and I'd rather go to dinner on Saturday night.
Then my sister suggested that I take the day off work on Friday so I could spend time with her because they will be too busy to see me for the rest of the weekend. I told her I'd planned to have a massage and other pampering on the Friday and she said I was being selfish.
Just to recap: one of my sisters is not bothering to see me at all over the weekend and my mum and other sister want to fit me in around their football commitments even if it means me giving up some treats I have been really looking forward to.
After I got off the phone to my sister, I was talking to my best friend, Sugar Lips, who couldn't understand why I hadn't told my family what miserable, selfish people they are. But the thing is, I am disappointed and sad that they are like that, but I don't have the energy to get angry. I gave up on that many years ago. I don't even know if I want to see them.
Sugar Lips also told me to tell them how I feel. It's hard for me. I've buried my feelings for so long. Only recently have I started to chip away at the shell I keep around myself and, after this incident, I'm beginning to remember why that shell was there in the first place.
I think in families, in dysfunctional families anyway, there are those who make a fuss and those who give in to avoid the fuss. There are also the family myths and stories. In my family, the myth is that I'm the one to make the fuss, I'm the one that shouts and screams and has the temper. But, you know, I think that is a fallacy. Maybe it was that way when I was a kid but not any more. I'm the one that goes out of my way, that changes my plans and puts the rest of my life on hold so I can do things with my family. And they can't have the same courtesy toward me.
It's a hard situation and the most annoying thing is that my family won't even see anything wrong with the way they are behaving.
I have it on reliable authority that the sin you commit one day takes a couple of days to show on the scale, fooling many of us into thinking we're not getting caught when we always eventually do. D'oh!
How much do I adore ovalteenies??? They've been old friends since primary school days. Yum yum!
Kathryn I am also from a very dysfunctional family....we all met up recently and it was total chaos....I've decided that I'm not putting myself out for any of them anymore.
Tell them you were thrilled to hear they're coming and so excited blah blah blah, but something's come up and you just can't make it. If they ask what, just say you don't know - just that a friend of yours is putting something together and it's a surprise. You might be in town, you might be out of town, you just don't know -- so why don't they entertain themselves (maybe with a football game!) this weekend, and you'll celebrate with them later...
When I moved to Big Smoke, I had three options – I could stay at a hostel, find someone to board with or catch the bus over an hour each way. We checked out places to board but they were all so dodgy that I needed up moving into the hostel.
My space was half of a partitioned section of a six bed dorm. At the end of each bed was a small desk and table. The Venetian-blinded window between the two beds looked out onto a concrete courtyard with a spindly tree in the middle.
I'd lie in bed of a morning, resisting that horrid moment when I'd have to walk, toilet bag in hand, across the chilled linoleum floor to the icy showers reeking of disinfectant, with my toilet bag in my hand. By the time I got to the showers, they were empty. Everyone else was already sitting down to breakfast. If I didn't skip breakfast, I'd get to the dining room after everyone had left.
I never knew the rules. I think I had a reputation as rebel but it was never intentional. A rebel knows the rules and intentionally flaunts them. Me, I was just gormless. I'd go shopping after school, forgetting to get permission or I'd use the phone during study time. Stupid little things that I never cared about enough to remember.
I had plenty of pocket money, a bribe for staying in the place. Most days I'd go into town shopping, buying stuff became a hobby. Then I'd go back to my room and read or listen to David Bowie. Very rarely, I'd go into the TV room. When I did, the football player type dudes would be wrestingly and horseplaying. The other girls would ask me questions in that way popular girls do – those questions they ask, hoping you will say something freaky and weird so they can laugh about it their other popular girl friends. I found scowling was the best option.
One of the girls in the rooms upstairs was a bigger girl. One night, a bunch of kids hid in her wardrobe and waited for her to come back from the shower. When she stripped off to change for bed, they jumped out laughing at her. I lived in terror of something like that happening to me.
At school, I'd drown my sorrows in hot chips and chocolate milkshakes. By the end of the year, I was drowning my sorrows after school in bottles of port hidden carefully in the back of my wardrobe.
Then I'd decide I needed to lose weight. I'd skip breakfast and not take any money with me to school so I couldn't buy food. Then I'd get home and rush out to buy bags of lollies and chocolates. I'd sit in my room and eat and felt like I was going insane with loneliness.
Jay and I were still best friends. We'd hang out in the art rooms together and go shopping after school and take in all the cultural delights of Big Smoke. Despite that, a rift was developing in our friendship. We'd compete with each other to see who could make the most friends and got a kind of weird delight in having "other things to do", of being not available to each other.
Our friendship felt stifling and restrictive. I'd always felt like I was in her shadow and suddenly I started fighting that. I was ready to create my own life and my own identity.
I think all close childhood friendships go through that. Maybe the friendship ends, maybe it’s reforged as an adult relationship, but at some point, you have to reassess those roles that were assigned as a child.
I survived my first year and even passed everything except art. For some reason, I had a very dry spell creatively. Maybe all that communal living wasn't good for me.
It was a weird year, an exciting, on-the-verge-of-something feeling but I felt like I was marking time.
When I turned 17, that all changed.
I headed off to the beach with my cousins and my Nan for the summer. Even though I was 17 and my cousins a little younger, we had to be at home before it got dark. We weren't even allowed to go to friend's places to hang out. We had to be good and chaste and pure. And everyone laughed at us. You can imagine trying to tell your friends you have to be home before 9 o'clock when you are 17 years old.
So instead we'd wait until Nan was asleep, sneaking out, getting drunk and going to parties. We'd get up early the next day, pack our bags full of supplies – food and magazines and cigarettes - and head to the beach so we could sleep for the day. First though, we'd coat ourselves with Baby Oil so we could get tanned. Because nothing tans like roasting yourself in the sun.
There were a couple of guys who hung around at the beach. My cousin knew of them. They were bad. They were druggies. Soon we'd make sure we were hanging around where they were. They'd take us to parties and buy us booze and drive like lunatics – fast and out of control. You know, the kind of guys teenage girls love.
By the time the summer was over, I felt like a different person – wild and daring and bad. I'd reinvented myself. So much was about to happen that would shape the rest of my life.
I rang Jay to see how her summer had been. Okay, to be honest, I wanted to rub it in. As I thought, her summer had been really quiet. Even quieter than I thought - she'd spent the summer in hospital with cancer.
She was still in hospital when school started. Things got weird, very weird. I felt like I couldn’t around her. It was like there was this person I had to become, this strong, vibrant person and, to become that person, I had to shed our friendship. It shouldn't have been such a big deal but, when your friend is dying of cancer, suddenly it is. You can't abandon someone who's dying. That makes you a bad person. A really bad person.
To make it worse, I’d go to visit her in hospital and she’d be cold and unwelcoming. She'd act like she didn't want me there. Probably she didn't. I never asked her outright why she acted like that, she wouldn’t have told me anyway.
I’d sit in her hospital room, not the most comfortable environment in the best of circumstances, and I’d try to make conversation that fell flat. Her hospital room was filled with swarms of relatives. I'd never met any of them before. Jay's mother had died before I met her and her father raised her alone. None of these people had given a damn about her before. But suddenly she cared more about them than me. She was actually pleased to see them, not angry or bitter. I didn’t understand that. I didn’t understand then the barriers that are caused by pain. I didn’t understand much.
One day I went to visit her, and she ignored me. I stopped visiting after that. I called her a few times after that but was rebuffed each time so eventually I stopped doing even that. It was hard. Maybe it showed – that I was doing this because I felt I should, not because I wanted to. Maybe she resented that I was healthy and had new friends and a whole new life.
Meanwhile, I'd been boarding in town with a couple of girls from school. The woman we boarded with was a cranky old bag. She gave us sausages every night for dinner and complained when we watched A Country Practice. When one of my friends suggested that we find a place to share together, I jumped at the chance.
We found a house to share and scrounged up furniture and stuff for the kitchen. Soon it became a party house with people dropping in all hours of the day, staying the night, staying the week. We ate toasted cheese sandwiches and tomato soup. We drank cask wine and smoked dope and listened to Neil Young. We learnt to flirt with guys at the pub to get free drinks. I'd gone from being a loner to been in the midst of all the action.
But it wasn't all parties and adventures. One night, a friend of a friend dropped over. We'd only met him once or twice before and thought he was strange. He made us feel uncomfortable, but we never thought to act on that instinct. He began playing around, getting kind of aggressive. My housemate offered to make coffee and went to the kitchen. With her gone, he got even more aggressive. He tried to rape me. I fought him off and ran to get my housemate but she'd gone.
Outside the kitchen, he pushed me up against the wall, demanding sex. I begged him to leave, fighting back as best I could. He ripped my shirt off and tried to force me to go down on him. I was terrified; my head throbbing with pain from where he'd punched me. He had hold of the back of my neck, pushing me down and the only thought in my mind was that if he put his dick near me, I'd bite it off.
I kept talking, promising him anything so long as he left. I calmed him down and somehow convinced him to leave, got him out the front door and put the security chain across. I leaned against the wall, taking a deep breathe, just as his foot came through the front door. I ran. I ran though the house, into the bathroom, trying to lock the door. Then I realised I was trapped. If he smashed in the front door, he could smash in the bathroom door too. The only window was far too tiny for me to climb out. I cowered in the corner, waiting to see what happened. He grabbed me and bashed me some more.
He calmed down again. I don't know what was going on – I think he was on drugs, serious weird-arsed drugs. As he left, he looked at the splintered pieces of the front door and asked me what had happened, as though he had no recollection.
He was gone and I was alone in the house. I didn't know whether to leave or stay. I no longer felt safe in the house. He could have returned at any minute. So I walked out, with nowhere to go and no one to turn to, clutching the ripped shreds of my shirt around me. I wandered the streets, going crazy until I found my housemate and a guy we were friends with. She'd panicked and gone to get help, thinking it would only take a few minutes but things had gone wrong and it took her much longer to find her friend.
I went to the police and they made me ring my mum. I don't understand what happened next. I don’t think I'll ever understand. See, one of mum's friends was visiting when I called. She overheard Mum's side of the conversation and wanted to know what was happening. So, according to my mum, she had to tell her friend everything. No "none of your business", no "this is a private, family matter", no nothing. Mum told her friend, who told a friend. By the time I went home for the weekend, the whole town knew.
It was a hard time. I had to go to school with my attacker's brother, I had to go through the court case with his insane, pasty face staring at me the whole time I was testifying, I had to go through the rumours and the lies and the stories, I had to go through the feeling that lasted for years of not feeling safe in my own home. But, worst of all, I had to go through my sister's friend's asking me why would anyone want to rape someone like YOU.
But it wasn't all fear and misery. I partied hard. I missed a lot of school and was doing badly in my classes. But I didn't care. I liked hanging out at the pub or setting off with my friends for weird adventures. I liked being part of a group of friends and having our song on the jukebox at the pub and our drink we always ordered when we had cash and our stories to tell at school that had everyone gasping and envious and maybe a little afraid. Actually, I didn't realise that until later when I ran into a girl I'd gone to school with – we'd hang out in the locker room, smoking and goofing around – and she told me she'd be scared to go to her locker between classes because of us.
Toward the end of the year, things started falling apart. Bitchy in-fighting and nastiness. My housemate decided to move to Sydney to be with a guy she liked and I moved in to board with another family. A nice, quiet family. Living with that family, changed my life as much as anything. My family was loud and boisterous. If we wanted to get each other's attention, we'd yell through the house. We'd fight and swear and throw thing. Suddenly, I was living with people who talked quietly and listened to each other. People who gave each other space. People who lived simply and graciously.
It's strange really. How often in life do you get to be part of another family? A family that is different to your own? Maybe you get occasional glimpses when you to stay with friends or relatives. It's a great experience, one that opens up your eyes to other possibilities.
The family I lived with had a daughter my age but she didn't live at home. She was so brilliant; she'd completed all of her year 11 and 12 subjects in one year and had gone off to uni. I'd always had this idea that brilliant people were brilliant and you did the minimum you needed to get by. Suddenly, the idea penetrated my thick head that people didn't get these things just by natural talent. People got these things through hard work and dedication. That was an eye opener.
More than that, I was living with people who didn't care much for food. They had simple, healthy meals but their lives didn't revolve around eating. One time, I was talking to the father. He explained that the daughter who'd gone off to uni had decided she wanted to try to live without sugar, just as a test of herself. If I wanted to try it, they still had many of the foods she'd bought for it. That was the kind of people they were – that they could say something like that without implying that I needed to change and without making me feel embarrassed.
I got my shit together and studied and passed all my subjects.
I moved back home and went on the dole. Suddenly I had money to spend. I bought clothes and got bad perms. I had been planning to go to uni to study economics but my family couldn't afford to send me and I couldn't get money to go because they earned too much. Instead I bummed around at home, putting uni off for a while. I went to see bands like Australian Crawl and the Divinyls and Goanna. I laughed at girls in "Choose Life" t-shirts. I'd go to the disco at the local pub and, at the end of the night, when I was drunk and maudlin, I'd look at all the guys that ignored me or treated me like a mate but who'd pair off with the thinner girls at the end of the night, and vow that one day I'd be thin. Those vows would last until my next meal. Sometimes I'd get up early and go to the local pool for a swim but then I'd get home and go back to bed until it was time to eat. I went back to school and did art with my old teacher and he convinced me that I should study art instead of economics.
At the end of the year, I enrolled in a Fine Arts course, but changed my mind at the last minute. If I spent another year at home, I'd get full Austudy as an independent student and could live on that without any help from my parents. Mum had told that while they'd help me out if I studied economics, I'd get no help if I wanted to do fine arts.
My reign of sloth came to an abrupt end with one quick phone call. My sister and I had put our names down for work at a local factory months before and never heard a thing. We'd done it mainly to shut mum up when she lectured us about not looking for work and so we'd have something to put on our dole forms. Now they wanted me and my sister to come in and work. My mum and dad laughed, saying we wouldn't last at day, the work would kill us.
The first day it nearly did. Every muscle in my body ached. I couldn't imagine how I was going to spend another hour on my feet, pushing myself so hard let alone another day or another week. The only thing that stopped me walking out was having to go home and tell my parents they were right. I got home and ran a bath to soak away the aches then went straight to bed and slept for 13 hours.
After a few weeks, I got used to it. Then I got paid and I realised I loved it. I couldn’t work enough. I worked seven days a week, keeping quiet every time my supervisor asked whose turn it was for a day off. In the end, my mum saw my supervisor in the supermarket and told her I had to have some time off work because I'd been working without a break for weeks. I was so mad at her because I wanted the money. I was making money faster than I could spend it – for the first and only time in my life.
My sister got a job at the local school and left the factory. I made friends with a girl I worked with. She was the same size as me and we discovered a groovy big size clothes shop. So I had decent clothes and a partner in crime. Diets were ignored in favour of good times. I wasn't losing weight, but I wasn't gaining either and the thought of dieting was the last thing on my mind. I was overweight, but not exactly obese. Because we worked in a factory, we could maintain our weight just from being on our feet all day. I look at photos of myself back then and I looked good. I was young and healthy and full of life. I spent a lot of money on myself – my hair, my face, my clothes.
I got involved with one of the guys from work and went out with him a few times. I really liked him and I thought he liked me. Then suddenly he stopped talking to me or acknowledging my existence. I was devastated and confronted him about it. He looked at me and said, "Why don't you go to Jenny Craig for a few weeks then I'll think about going out with you?" What an arsehole.
I bought my first car, a white Ford XY. I loved that car. I had freedom and a means of escape.
When I was 19, Jay died of cancer. I was so angry and I stayed angry for a long time. This wasn’t a random anger – raging at life and fate and God – I was angry with her.
She used to tell me, in those late night confessional conversations that best friend have, that she would die before she turned 20. Her whole family was “riddled with cancer”, it killed someone every year. She believed it so strongly, and so it happened. I blamed her. To me it was as though she had talked herself into it, that she had let herself die. Who knows? The human mind is a powerful thing. If you grow up thinking, not just thinking but believing, you will die…
I didn’t go to her funeral. My mum couldn’t understand, but how do you explain something like that. And, in those confessional conversations, she’d made me promise not to go to her funeral anyway.
At the end of the year, it was time to leave. I had the idea in my head that if I didn't get out and go to uni then, I never would. Suddenly, everything began to fall into place. A friend of my sister's organised for me to stay with her mum who lived near the uni. Her mum would be glad of the company for a while and I'd have time to sort out my living arrangements.
I finished up at work and said goodbye to my home town, knowing I'd only ever go back there to visit, and headed off to Even Bigger Smoke to get my degree.
Just read your "story". You are able to tell your life story so well, it should be published! Thankyou for sharing it with us.
Thanks for such an honest post of your story - it is really fascinating reading about the child hoods other people have.
I agree with Suzy, u write fantasticly, I enjoyed reading your story. Sounds like you went through some ordeals, thanks for sharing your story
I had a very similar time of things from the sounds of it. It was therapeutic to read and, I can imagine it was for you to write it out. Look forward to following your story.
OMG you had me so totally enthralled, I am late to pick up my husband!
I am often left speechless after one of your posts. Not because I can't think but because I'm thinking too much and the words get all jumbled when I want to write them down. I want to tell you that some guys are dickheads, and arseholes (girls too) and that we all meet them in some way but I want to tell you that you are strong and fiesty and you have come out on top and those morons who were nasty and foul are just going to get what they deserved - NOTHING..
Did you ever see that ad about fleas? A flea can jump, I dunno, but say 10 foot. Now if you put that flea in a box 6 inches high, the flea gets used to the idea that they can only jump 6 inches. When you take that flea out of the box, the flea never jumps higher than 6 inches again in their life.
I've been like that flea. For many, many years, I thought that being fat didn't hold me back in life. If someone had asked me to list the things I'd want to do if I lost weight, I'd have told them that there was nothing. Sounds like a good attitude, doesn't it?
Trouble was, I was lying to myself. There are so many things in life that I have mentally added to a "not for me" list in my head, so that the concept that I could actually do those things never occured to me.
It wasn't just that "fat people don't do those things" or "that's just for thin people" - words my mum would say to me, I've had other limitations on my life for many years as well. When you are a single parent, sometimes the only goal you have is making sure there is food on the table for the rest of the week. You aren't going to go off sky diving or learning to play the mandolin when you are trying to decide which is more important - the phone bill or the electricity. So you put those ideas into the "not for me" file, or the "later" file.
And that's how it starts, I guess. Until you get to the day where even in your dreams with all the limitations gone, the framework of those limitations still exists. Your list of things you want to do was diminished to nothing.
Just lately, some tiny wisps of dreams has been finding their way back into my life. Things that seem stupid or impossible at first until I examine them more closely and ask why. Why can't I do these things? What is holding me back? I'm not a flea, I can change and adapt.
One of those ideas was learning to surf. At first, I thought the idea was really dumb. I'm not just too fat, I'm too old, too everything. Dumb thinking, huh? I did some searching around on the net, and the idea isn't so stupid. There are classes around. Sure I'd probably suck, but who cares? I could be the one out there surfing, not just sitting on the beach tanning myself and watching my boyfriend until he comes in from the surf to demand I get him food. Okay, so that is the plot of Puberty Blues, and not my life. Point is, there is nothing to hold me back. I have the power. My list of dreams will be growing a lot from now on.
How true about the flea! What is life without dreams. Go for them!
Weigh in day today. I only have to lose 800 grams to get achieve my goal (20 kilograms lost by my birthday which is 2 weeks from today). I can do that, I know I can. If I keep going like I've been and don't do anything stupid, then it's well within my grasp.
On the one hand, I keep thinking it's only a number and so long as I keep losing, it doesn't matter whether or not I get to a certain number by a certain time, but the other hand keeps thinking that this year is a milestone birthday and the best way to deal with that whole trauma is to be at my lowest adult weight. I can handle getting older if it means that I'm getting better.
So close to your birthday goal! Yes you can do it.
It's not just a number. It's your commitment to yourself coming true. You go, girl!
good luck with the 800g....I know you will get there. Enjoyed catching up on your thoughts today I haven't been around to visit for a while. lb
Of course you can do that. It's only 0.4 each week!! Well done. XX
Woooooooooohooooooooo - well done on being so close !!! You CAN do it if you stay focussed.
You can do it!
Oh wow - how exciting. Looking forward to reading your next post
I walked home from work again tonight - well not all the way home. I decided to shortcut through a park then the back streets of the suburb next to mine, only after a little while I realised I was lost. I figured if I kept walking, I'd come out on a major road. So I walked and I walked and ended up at the same park at which I'd started. Damnit. So I caught the tram from there. I know when to quit. I am like a modern day Burke and Wills.
The plan was to get home, cook dinner then go to Pump class but I got home and realised I was being far too ambitious. Plus I was freezing cold. I'm still cold. I thought exercise was meant to warm you up. Doesn't seem to be working.
Yes where did our great weather go!
boobs: 100 cm
waist: 81 cm
hips: 109 cm
thighs: 50 cm
Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama
Week 1 - Drink more water
Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats