Rah has a great new forum happening... check it out! It's great to see a healthy lifestyle type forum that's Australian based instead of overseas.

I have many things of much seriousness to discuss but my time today is short and the issues are still brewing in my head so I just wanted to say this. For the second time, I was asked by someone at gym if I'd lost a lot of weight recently. Not by people I've met before, who knew me pre-weight loss and want to compliment me, but by people who can see I've lost weight by looking at my body. What does that say? That I'm all floppy and saggy? It's hardly the kind of thing you want to hear, I'd think.

I guess I just have firm up. Then people will think I've always been thin. Okay so maybe I have to get thin too. But it's coming. It really is.

I had the pizza and it was good. Is it just me or do other people do that thing where as soon as you think you are being good because you haven't had pizza/chocolate/etc for ages then you have to go eat it? Anyway that's my pizza eating done with for a few months. And my boozing. I think tomorrow will be a low joule day.

I also wanted to post about a thought I had the other night. I was lying in bed, thinking, as you do when it suddenly occured to me that I can do this. It is entirely possible that I can get to my goal weight.

You know, I don't think I've ever felt like that before. I've never truly believed that any diet I was on wasn't doomed to fail. Even over the past few months, I've been changing my lifestyle, monitoring and refining my eating, challenging myself with exercise and it has all been working well, but at the back of my mind I've never seen it as permanent. I've felt like the Wizard of Oz, the man behind the curtain. Feeling like one day the whole thing is going to crumble and people will find out I'm a fake. I don't even know who people are - maybe I was more scared that I was going to find I was a fake.

But then everything seemed to come together. I'm not faking it, I really am doing it. And all I need to do is keep on doing it. It isn't hard, although it sure aint easy at times. But then what is easy? Eating crap all the time isn't easy either especially when you are diabetic. You have to deal with the guilt and the sluggishness and the cost of buying pizza. Pizza, yum. Ok, I am a fake and we are getting pizza for dinner. But I'm only having 2 slices.

Lordy, has my alcohol tolerance plummetted. I used to be a girl who could hold her booze (and everyone else's). But last night I got pissed on one and half of those miniature bottles of scotch. Yes *blush* I can't believe it either. I could drink more than that in high school.

Stupidly, I continued drinking. Shouldna - what's the point of empty calories when you are already drunk, huh? But, of course, you don't think like that when drinking.

I guess that put my kj count for the day way over but it was a fun night and I don't drink that often any more (obviously) so I don't mind.

I had a couple of other things to say but they can wait until next time. But I wanted to mention that I'm going to the Melbourne Losers Meetup this Saturday.

It sucks not having the internet at home. I think of so many things I want to say then I get to the net cafe and my head is blank.

Firstly, big kudos to me. I had a chocolate craving today, a big chocolate craving and ended up at the munchie machine at work. Normally, if I have to have a chocolate snack, I get the twin pack of mini Toblerones... thinking I can leave one for another day. One mini Toblerone has about 800 kjs so it isn't really so bad. Of course I always eat both Toblerones. I finish the first one and know the second one is sitting in my drawer, the awareness screams in my head, crying out for satisifaction. Well today I got the Toblerone twin pack, ate the first one then ignored the screaming. It was hard, let me tell you. As hard as any resistance to temptation can be.

I waited ten minutes and then realised I really didn't want the second Toblerone. I didn't have to resist. The first mini Toblerone had been more than enough to cure any cravings and was, in fact, a bit sickly.

It was a moment of triumph. A truly glory filled moment.

Now, before you think ... 'well she coulda just had NO Toblerones and been any stronger' (I know, too late, you already thunked it, didn't you) I want to say this - for me it is far easier to have no Toblerones or no chocolate than to have some and not eat it. I've never been the type to hoard chocolate. When I read a diet book and they say to throw out all the chocolate and fattening foods in your house, I think 'der... if I could have that stuff in my house and NOT eat it, then I wouldn't need your stupid diet.'

When I was visiting my mum a few weekends ago, my cousin and I were talking about the book, "I can make you thin". One of the exercises in it is to always leave some food on your plate. My cousin had been following his book and had a helping of pavlova (so did I but it was miniscule and it is my fave dessert - go me). She was stuffed after the huge lunch but she told me that the spoonful of leftovers in her bowl were absolutely killing her. She wanted to scoff them down then lick the bowl clean. I know that feeling only too well.

So, what I'm saying, is that for me, this feels like a personal victory over one of my food demons.

Anyway, I was going to talk about clothes. I am getting to that borderline plus / regular size in clothing and have realised that I've never shopping in regular clothing stores. Ever.

This is fine in chain stores like KMart and Target but when it comes to other stores, I don't know what size range they carry. I still feel like if I go into those kind of stores, a booming God-like (or maybe Big Brother-like) voice will come down from the heavens declaring to everyone that a FAT PERSON is in the store. I'm scared that I won't be allowed to try on clothes. I'm terrified that I'm just kidding myself and no way can I ever shop anywhere that doesn't proclaim the virtures of the plus size (have you noticed that.. the plus size section always has names like "Big is Beautiful"... yeah of course big is beautiful to department stores - big sizes = big prices.. they love that).

A while back, I got a pair of Jeans West jeans from the Op Shop. I've been trying them on every so often. They still don't fit comfortably. Then, the other day, I measured them up against the jeans I do wear. There isn't that much difference in size. I'm starting to think that the Jeans West jeans will never fit me - not because I'll never lose the weight but because the cut is wrong for my shape. By the time they fit in some places, they'll be too big in other places. Damn it. I'll keep trying them and if I have no luck, they might go on ebay.

On the topic of clothes, if you are in Melbourne or Sydney and looking for some great clothes check out Towanda. I went into their Melbourne shop a few weeks ago, just browsing, and ended up trying on half the shop. They are designer clothes with designer prices but I'm starting to appreciate the difference between wearing a funky, well made skirt to work and wearing a $20 KMart one. I heard a quote once, can't remember who by, but have always loved it:

The being well-dressed gives a feeling of well-being that even religion is powerless to bestow.

A super quick update today, cos I'm on my son's pc and he's about to kick me out. I've changed my template cos the old one kept stuffing up.

I've started doing Pump classes - super hard but fun. I've also been doing Angel's 5 km challenge (will add link later) but I am so pathetic I can't even walk 5 kms, so I am cycling. At least my times are kinda improving.

Did you know there are only 211kj in a Starburst lollypop? Value. And they are even sweeter when you knick them from your son. Woohoo!

I went to the Preston market today. Market shopping is ideal if you live alone because you can buy the quantity of meat you want, not some supermarket packaged size. I got fat free mince to make a big pot o' chilli and some chicken breasts and super lean beef strips. I also got some pumpkin ravioli. Plus lots of vegies. Tonight I cook.

To elaborate further on the post below, my sister (who's clothes I wish to steal) is thirteen years younger than me so has always been the "little" sister in all senses of the word. She has always been within a normal size range - although sometimes at the larger end of it. So being able to fit into her clothes is a major thrill. I wore one of her jumpers the other day and she cursed me out for getting it covered in dog hair, but it was her dog so I take no responsibility. Speaking of her dog, it is very hard to do 8 minute abs when you have a boisterous dog in the house.

I have been getting so many compliments on my weight loss, it is lovely. I just hope it doesn't go to my head so that I get into that "resting on my laurels" mind frame. That is a real danger zone for me (for most people I can imagine). I swing between seeing myself as having acheived so much and being quite thin now. I guess I have managed to lose a lot. More importantly, I've been implementing major lifestyle changes. Then the pendulum swings and I realise that I'm still not even within a "normal" size range. I still have so far to go. I guess if I get big headed I just need to head back to the gym classes so I can see myself reflected in the mirror next to some of those toothpick blonde girls and I'll come back to reality with a thud.

One thing that is stopping the big headedness is realising just how easy I've slid back into bad habits. Why is it so easy to pick up bad habits and so hard to pick up good ones?

Just to digress a minute, the other day I left work with the "I don't wanna go to the gym" loop playing my brain and decided for just a minute to consciously change that to "I love the gym, I love exercise, my gym is full of friendly, happy people". It kinda worked - well I went to the gym that night. But then the next night, I didn't just go to the gym but was actually looking forward to it. I haven't been since then because I've been away and I really have missed it. It hurts me not to go. By the way, I did my first Pump class (since the one and only effort last year - I was so unfit then and the instructor was a bimbo. I told her it was my first time and she just ignored me... I never went back). I loved it...afterwards I hurt in all the right ways. Having masocist tendencies does help with gym classes.

There was only two other girls in the class. One of them was on the bigger side of normal, the kind of person who I used to look at and think "I wouldn't mind having a figure like that" - not thin but healthy and achieveable (and, more importantly maintainable). I was comparing her body to mine in the mirror, as you do, and for once, the differences weren't that immense. I could actually see that it was possible to get from where I am now to where she is. That is pretty powerful stuff.

So, before I digressed, I was going to say this. A visit home makes you realise just where all your bad habits originated. And man, do I have some bad habits! These include (but aren't limited to) - numerous trips to the biscuit cupboard (including a 'little snack' while waiting for my toast to pop up this morning), having seconds and thirds after dinner. Having something to munch on while watching tv or movies. I guess to summarise, I've realised on this visit how I've grown up with the whole concept of food being something to look forward to. If you aren't eating, you are thinking of your next meal. Or your next snack. And you pick in between times anyways. The day is just an endless round of coffees and food.

I like to be in control of my environment. At home, I don't have handy snacks available. I have fruit and things that take effort to prepare. I don't stock up on a lot of food so I don't have endless options to pick from. That is good and it works for me but I think I need to think more about being in environments I can't control and having the strength to not eat food just because it's there. It's that constant feeling that I'm going to miss out if I don't eat.

We did go for a lovely walk along the beach yesterday. That was fun. I might try to fit in another one before I go home this afternoon.

I can wear my sister's clothes. That is a first. I might have to sneak some into my suitcase.

I'm at home visiting this weekend, three days of rest and relaxing and eating. I am going to have to be so vigilant this weekend not to put on weight. It's too easy to just think a little bit of this and a little bit of that won't hurt and far too easy to get into the "I'm on holidays" mentality. At the same time, I don't want to be all mealy mouthed and uptight about what I eat. Hopefully I can get it all going on.

My cousin has the "I Can Make You Thin" and CD so I'm going to check that out and see what it's like. Could be interesting.

Speaking of books, I grabbed one at the airport this morning called "Half Your Size" (I think, something like that). What a pile of shit. If you are tempted to buy it then rethink your spendage. It is fully of the most obvious advice about dieting and exercise, stuff that any moron could and would know, and padded out with quotes from semi-famous people. I really don't need people like Sandra Sully or Jeff Fenech, people who have never had weight issues and who are in the book solely for their fame factor, to tell me how to diet, thank you very much. The book was written by Suzie something or other, some minor Sydney celeb, who lost 50 kilos. That's all well and good but I don't need to know her life story. It reeks of a desperate attempt to cash in on the weight loss market. You would get reading for free on most weight loss blogs - it was definitely not money well spent.

Lately I've been reading a lot of diet books and I've learnt one thing... don't read diet books! Seriously, the kind of advice is so flimsy. Like in one, the theory was that sales of low fat food are at an all time high yet people are fatter than ever so eating low fat makes you fat...aha! No mention of the deep fried chicken and and pizza that is served along side the low fat stuff.

In honor of this, I have developed my own diet. The Sleep A Lot Diet. See, when do you weigh your lightest? First thing of a morning, of course. When all you have been doing is sleeping. When do you weigh your heaviest? Last thing at night when you have been running around all day. So the moreyou sleep, the less you weigh. Brilliant but simple. Now I just need to fill it out with some case studies and recipes and I'll have a best seller on my hands.

As far as diet/weight loss books go, I tend to prefer books that either deal with emotional issues related to weight loss or else people's real life stories (just like reading weight loss blogs, really). But there is some really trite advice out there. For example, if you eat when you are lonely, call up a friend to chat. Well, der. If I had a friend I could conveniently ring, I wouldn't be feeling lonely now, would I?

Another standard is to take a bubble bath when you have food cravings. If I did that I'd have permanent "dead man's fingers" from spending my life in the bath (plus the bubble bath thing doesn't go down well in the workplace).

But despite cravings and comfort eating and life stress and my general laziness, I've been dropping down a few kilos. I've been trying to get to the gym as much as possible, even purchased a monthly pass (no more "week before payday" excuses). I'm still doing the 8 minute abs and losing waist weight too.

I'm going home to see my family for the long weekend. Hopefully, I'll finally get someone to notice I've lost weight. My sister said she'd say something but it doesn't count when you have told them already. I think last time I was home, I was about 25 kilos heavier so they should damn well notice. If I lose another 7 kilos, I'll be at my all time lowest adult weight. That is pretty damn amazing. Woohoo! Go me. I wanted to lose 5 kilos before I went to Tassie but it looks like it will only be 3. Still better to try and fall short than not try at all.

If ever you need motivating not to pig out, go lingerie shopping. Look at the stuff in your size then look at the stuff you can buy when you shed every pound. I don't think I'll ever eat again.

Have to type fast, at internet caf and only have 5 mins left....

Anyway, I'm making progress at last. Started doing 8 Minute Abs but was very sceptical about it. After all, what can you achieve in 8 minutes, right?

Well after a week I've lost 3 cms from my waist and hip measurements. I am dead impressed. Of course I've also been doing a lot of walking and have been watching what I eat. The big food improvement this week has been replacing most of my daily coffees with green tea. I realised I don't really want coffee - just a warm drink and a reason to get up from my desk and move around so green tea does the job just as well and has zero calories. How smart is that?

More later, cos the clock is ticking... mmm wonder how many kjs are burnt through superfast typing?