iDiet

[a weight loss story]

*kathrynoh at nemesis dot com dot au*

::27.2.05::

Yet another post, oh I love to procrastinate....

I forgot to mention, on Friday night I wore the jeans I bought at Big City Chic this week. They were too big. I spent most of the night hoiking them up, not a graceful gesture. You'd never see Audrey Hepburn hoiking things. I have no natural charm.

Anyway, I complained all night then, as the last guests were leaving and I was locking the door they fell off completely. Around my ankles. Thank god it happened when I was home on my own and not at dinner. That would have been just too embarassing (trust me, I had a skirt fall off on the train once).

So the once worn jeans are probably going to go on ebay when I get around to taking a photo because it's not like they are ever going to fit me now.

Speaking of which, has anyone bought jeans from Jeans West? They go up to a size 20 but I'd like to know how generous the fittings are before going into try them.

Depends on the style with Jeans West. When I was 16, I was a size "16" but I had to buy size 20, but it could have been because I was in denial of my real size?
Go in and try some on, just steer clear of the "hipsters", unless you like showing a lot of plumbers!
I think they only stock up to size 20 in basic jeans, not the "fashion" jeans like pretty ones with sequins etc.
Check out their site maybe?

Nicky
(www.miss-nicky.blog-city.com)

By Blogger Mucky, at 9:31 am  

I love jeanswest jeans. In fact all my jeans are jeanswest. I wore the 20's when I was a 20 and they fit. The stretch ones are really comfy too.

I'm finding with all jeans now though that you usually have to buy a size larger than you would for skirts and other pants? Like at the moment I'm a loose 14 in skirts, a 14 in pants, but I'm still wearing 16 jeans, although they're getting loose now (YEEHA. My 14 jeans from jeanswest fit (with a muffin-top) but I tried on some 14 Lee jeans and couldn't get them on. So yeah I would say that jeanswest are pretty good size-wise.

I have some hardly worn jeansWest jeans at home (size 20) that I'm going to sell on Ebay, if you want first go? heh.

By Blogger kimba, at 3:23 pm  

 

Pick

After that last post I must confess: I can't stop picking this afternoon. Pick, pick, pick. Corn thins and pistachios and anything else that's laying around the kitchen.

I don't know what's causing this...I've had two things I've wanted to do today - write up a grant application and go for a walk. So instead of doing either I've been dicking around and eating. Not good. I'm feeling down, like everyone I know is out doing fun things and I'm stuck at home. I was going to go to the beach later for a bbq with some friends then they rang to cancel. I think I've just been feeling lonely and neglected all weekend. I should take my sorry arse down to the beach for a good walk but I don't feel like going on my own. Maybe I should just go have a nap or something.

Blah.

 

Little Decision

Lately I've been thinking about a song by Paul Kelly called Little Decisions and how appropriate it is. Often when you read diet magazines, the stories focus on the big decisions - the moment of epithany - you know the kind of thing:

I didn't realise how out of control my eating had become until that day I was mistaken for a Mack truck. Imagine my embarassment when that trucker tried to open my door and mount my cab. From that day, I resoluted to lose weight.


Which is all well and good, but it's the small decisions that matter. The hundreds of decisions we make every day - the decision to bypass the chocolate aisle at the supermarket, the decision to throw out or freeze the leftovers instead of polishing them off, the decision to get up and go for a walk instead of sitting at the computer.

Lately I've been making a conscious effort to ask myself if I really want something before I eat it. At times I've dished up a bowl of food then realised that I really don't want to eat it at that particular moment and put it back in the fridge for later. Things like that make all the difference.

Hear hear! It's definitely all about the little things.

By Blogger jaime, at 5:56 am  

I do something similar when I'm eating, I think to myself 'Is this going to help or hinder?' and most of the time I find this really useful.

Of course there are other times when I don't give a damn and just eat it anyway but hey, at least those times are in the minority, so that's some sort of progress :)

By Blogger kimba, at 3:28 pm  

 

::26.2.05::

After pics

Thanks to Kimba for pointing me in the right direction, I now have a virtual model of my after pics. I was going to create a before model so I could compare but it seems the virtual model doesn't gain weight well - she got wider but still in proportion, no fat rolls or saggy boobs! It must be nice to be a virtual model.

So this is the skinny me, coming soon...



Oh yeah, and I lied in the thingie below. I have been arrested. It was so many years ago now that I had forgotten all about it. I was young and stupid and got done for drink driving. Not one of my prouder moments.

Anyway this is the life of me, sitting at home on a Saturday night creating virtual models of my skinnier self. I was feeling depressed earlier, going through a whole self-pitying binge of what's the point of even trying, no one cares if I'm fat or thin or whatever anyway, but you know, I care. I really do. I just feel bad sometimes - like everyone else in the world is out having fun while I sit here bored and alone. Sometimes I'm hopeless at entertaining myself and I have no money. Sure I was out with my friends last night but that was then. Some times I think I need a man in my life, then other times I feel like I'm not ready for that... maybe I'll never be ready, hey.

Enough of this whinging though. I might curl up with a good book.

 

Things

I've notice some people have those computer generated type pictures on their sites of what they will look like after losing weight. I was trying to find the link today and can't find it anyway. I'm sure I've seen them on heaps of other sites but can't find anyone with one on it today.

And, to bandwagon jump (hey, it's exercise of a sort):

I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex — False
I've Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex — False
I've Never Crashed A Friend's Car — True
I've Never Been To Japan — False
I've Never Been In A Taxi — False
I've Never Been In Love — True
I've Never Had Sex In a Public Place — Not that I can remember...mmm.
I've Never Been Dumped — False
I've Never Done Cocaine — False
I've Never Shoplifted — False
I've Never Been Fired — False
I've Never Been In A Fist Fight — False
I've Never Had Group Intercourse — True
I've Never Snuck Out Of My Parent's House — True
I've Never Been Tied Up — False
I've Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone — False hahahahaha!
I've Never Been Arrested — True
I've Never Made Out With A Stranger — False
I've Never Stolen Something From My Job — False
I've Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square — True
I've Never Gone On A Blind Date — False
I've Never Lied To A Friend — False
I've Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor — False
I've Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans — True, but I have in Sydney
I've Never Been To Europe — False
I've Never Skipped School — False
I've Never Slept With A Co-Worker — False
I've Never Cut Myself On Purpose — False
I've Never Had Sex At The Office — True, well not at MY office anyways ;)
I've Never Been Married — True
I've Never Been Divorced — True
I've Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week — False
I've Never Posed Nude — True
I've Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them — True
I've Never Killed Anyone — True
I've Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner — True
I've Never Thrown Up In A Bar — False
I've Never Taken a Hallucinogenic Drug — False
I've Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire — True
I've Never Eaten Sushi — False
I've Never Been Snowboarding — True
I've Never Had Sex At A Friend's House While They Were Throwing A Party — True
I've Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room — True
I've Never Flashed Anyone — False
I've Never Met Anyone From Online — False

Oh, I feel like a drunken slut now. Damn.

Are you talking about My Virtual Model? Go to www.mvm.com :)

By Blogger kimba, at 9:01 pm  

Thanks

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 10:46 pm  

 

Good and Bad

I went out to dinner last night with the intention of having a good time and not worrying too much about what I was eating. You have to enjoy yourself once in a while. So I got my pasta, in a nice healthy tomato based sauce, but it was coated with oil. You could see the oil slicks on top gleaming in the lights. I ate some then put the rest aside and had salad.

Later we had birthday cake - a scrummy Baci cake from Myers. I had a bit of my slice then left the rest.

So food-wise I was very good. Pity I drank my own body weight in wine though. I was going to do the spritzer thing but we started with champers. You can't spritz champagne. I am hopeless with booze - just think of Barney from the Simpsons.

Damn me and my booze hound ways - I need to do some serious working out today I think.

Well done on the food choices, and I know what you mean about champagne - I've learnt to avoid it altogether now, because otherwise once I've had a couple of champagnes all my good intentions go right out the window!

By Blogger kimba, at 9:03 pm  

 

::25.2.05::

Sore

The muscles are really aching after the boxercise class yesterday, although not as bad as I was expecting. But then I was expecting extreme pain. Maybe it will be worse tomorrow.

I'm not sure if I should go and work out more today or not. I don't want to push myself too hard - heaven forbid - but I want to keep up this daily exercise habit. Maybe a swim would be good.

I am going out to a pasta place for my son's birthday tonight so I feel like I should be doing lots of exercise to make up for the food I plan to eat. I was thinking I could get just a salad and maybe a teensy bit of pasta and not drink, but screw that. I want to have fun and eat what I want and drink what I want. It's a party.

One thing I must be wary about - last time I was dieting, many years ago now, I'd go out and drink and not realise that my capacity for alcohol was rapidly diminishing. That resulted in some embarassing situations, let me tell you.

I'm a bit sore from Combat today too. I'm going to go and do a Pump class and some cardio this afternoon.

A swim would be great, or a walk - you don't have to push yourself. Sometimes when you're sore it helps to get out and do something to get the blood flowing through the sore bits and heal them up :)

I drink spritzers these days - still feel like I'm having a drink but don't get as wiped out :D

By Blogger kimba, at 10:18 am  

Spritzers are a good idea. I am thinking of doing body combat at my gym tomorrow.

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 11:10 am  

 

::24.2.05::

I am the greatest!

I lost 1.3 kgs this week. I am a superstar. To reach my first goal - 10 kgs lost by the end of March I only need lose 4.6 kgs now. If I keep up a 1 kg a week lose I can do it.

You are a superstar - to lose 1.3kg after falling on an Easter Egg is great (be careful it doesn't sneak up and get you next week though). Well done!

By Blogger kimba, at 10:15 am  

 

Oh no

I ate chocolate. It was kinda accidental, I fell over and it slipped in my mouth. Sort of.

I was at the supermarket and being all good but hungry so I bought some Weight Watchers Apple Crumble cereal bars but then when I was in the line they had easter eggs just sitting there in their pretty, shiny paper. I picked one up and put it down. Then I picked it up again and read the nutritional information - over 1,000 kilojoules - and put it back down. The third time I picked it up and kept it.

I thought I could have just a little taste then take the rest home for Andrew. Phht. Yeah, right. Not going to happen.

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just the chocolate but lately I've been thinking - I'll just have a little of this or just a little of that - not good. I would much rather save up and have one big treat especially since I'm going out for my son's 18th tomorrow and we are having pasta. Yum. And wine, yum. And tiramisu. NO! NO tiramisu.

 

The People's Champion

I decided I needed some variety in my exercise program so I went to a Boxercise class this morning. It started off ok - I went in the room and it was empty so I sat and waited. Eventually a couple of other people turned up but not the instructor.

Ten minutes into class time, he still wasn't there. I was about to go ask for a refund when he turned up, damn it.

The class wasn't too bad. The rest of them seemed to have been going for ages so they paired up and did a circuit while I worked with the instructor. It was lots of fun because you get to hit people really hard. At one stage the instructor said to me - you've had a really hard week, haven't you?

After the class he came over and told me I might feel sore tomorrow and even sorer the next day. He said I might feel like I've pulled a muscle. I might even feel like my muscles have been ripped in two, but not to worry. It's natural.

Woohoo.. that's something to look forward to.

 

::23.2.05::

The Look

This morning I popped over to Knifepoint shopping centre (aka Highpoint) and, as I was eating my Wendy's fat free hot dog (note to self: must check out if they are good as they say) I noticed there is a specific "fat chick" look. Have you ever noticed that? It's like once you are overweight you can't have your own look or style - your style is Fat Chick.

The Fat Chick look includes - anything in that particular polycotton blend fabric. I don't know enough to know the name of it but you can only ever buy clothes in size 16+ made out of it. These clothes tend to come in aqua and navy regardless of current fashion colours.

The shirt - the fat chick shirt always has those tabs to hold up the sleeves - you know, that little button over tab. It's like someone one time decided hey, you can carry massive amounts of fat on your belly, thighs and arse so long as you have the little sleeve tab to distract from it. Either that, or there is something about the physique of the overweight that makes it impossible for sleeves to stay rolled unaided.

The shirt is always worn unbuttoned with The Top. The Top usually comes in a colour that co-ordinates with The Shirt. In fact, most FCs like to have a range of tops to match the The Shirt. Like if The Shirt has a tropical print in white, navy and aqua then The Top comes in white and navy and aqua - I think this is to extend the wardrobe as most FCs have bodacious but food catching balconies. As a friend of my mum's once said as she looked down at the fullness of her bosum - the men might like them, but they make doing the laundry hell.

The Top and The Shirt are always long - to cover the belly and arse - if you can't see it, it aint there, right?

The Pants - as with the top, comes in co-ordinating colours. Elastic waistband is a standard feature.

But, on the plus side (pun not intended... ok, pun intended just a little) I found the best shop for larger sized clothing that is not part of the FC look. Big City Chic has some amazingly cool stuff. I got a great pair of jeans with added bling bling on sale for $10. And they aren't, like most large sized jeans, designed for someone 7 foot tall. The non-sale stuff was reasonably priced too. If I hadn't quit my job yesterday I might have been a little out of control.

This is now my new favourite store.

You should check out Torrid. Their website is www.torrid.com. They have some really cute clothes for FC's.

By Blogger Megan, at 4:10 pm  

I love Torrid stuff but their postage to Australia is so expensive, often works out to more than the clothes themselves. And they have such cute bras!

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 4:38 pm  

Hi!
I like Big City Chic as well but they still don't do a decent dress. I have some really nice pieces from there.
Torrid is great but they take ages to post it too you and the fit is not always right.
I avoid the FC look like a plague :)

By Blogger lisaslosinit.com, at 4:42 pm  

I never did the FC look. Simply refused. And yeah, what's with those dumbarse sleeve tabs? I could never work that out. Certainly when my arms were fatter my sleeves stayed rolled up just fine, probably because they were so tight! heh.

By Blogger kimba, at 9:15 pm  

Ello! I'm a new reader (Thanks Kimba). I certainly did the whole FC look, I had about 8 black skirts (I never wore pants, they made me look "fat" HA!) and a black cardigan, I was KNOWN for wearing those, and all my tops would be, well yeh, that stretchy shit. I found that CrossRoads or Silhouette (www.retailclub.com.au) were really good for me, although they are a part of Millers, they were targetted at the "bigger girls" who still want to be trendy, and they are very cheap! I have never seen a Big City Chick shop in Melbourne....? Must only be at Highpoint? (I'm from the otherside of the city).
Try being a FC and shopping at CHADSTONE ahahahaha hilarious!
Thanks for a great post!
Nicky
(www.miss-nicky.blog-city.com)
(P.S- I really talk alot)

By Blogger Mucky, at 9:57 am  

I love Crossroads stuff... most of my wardrobe comes from them.. but their sizes are a bit erratic. I've been unable to squeeze myself into a 24 in some outfits then found a 18 in a different style that fits perfectly.

I have never been able to wear pants well for, despite being big, I have no arse. Anything that fits my fat gut sags badly around the butt and that is not an attractive look.

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 10:56 am  

Hello from me too! I am new to your blog and I like it too!!! You described the look so precisely and with such humour too! I never bought such stuff either. When I got really really oh so very big, I was lucky to have a dressmaker introduced to me by a precious gf and she almost made most of my clothes back then. Sometimes, I would buy something from the fat chick section and take it to her and alter it in a way to suit my taste.

I'll be here for more!

By Blogger Silverella, at 6:16 pm  

Kimba's link got me here too.

Loved this entry!! What a great writer you are!

I did a little section on Fat chicks undergarments here -> http://beckschallenge.blogs.com/beckschallenge/taboo_fat_facts/index.html

How hard would it be to make up to date fashion in a bigger size? For fucks sake.

*grin*

Im off to read the rest of your site now!

By Blogger Beckie, at 7:35 pm  

I came here via kimba as well. I can so remember the days of not being able to find anything stylish to wear. It was easier in America because they at least have a few stores with cute things for bigger women like lanebryant, but in Australia I really hated living here at a size 16/18. I am breathing sighs of relief now, like kimba that I can buy clothes that are fashionable and not spend a lot of money on them. If I were a fashion designer I'd design fashionable clothes for larger women and make a killing.

By Blogger ms ralph, at 8:45 pm  

Hi there!!
I'm also here via Kimba's site.
I'm off shopping in Highpoint tomorrow so thanks for the tip. I take it you live on the West Side somewhere?? I'm out at Bacchus Marsh.
Look forward to reading more... very clever stuff.

By Blogger LisaB, at 12:10 pm  

The FC look I hate the most is perpetrated by lane bryant -- 90% of their shirts show cleavage practically down to your waist! Now, I know you might want to use your boobs to distract from your badonkadonk bootie, but there's gotta be another way.

By Blogger jaime, at 12:56 pm  

Hey there is a big city chic store at southland (melb) if anyone can't get to highpoint

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:11 am  

hi my names Libby and I'm new to this site. Just thought I would let you know that they have opened a new Big City Chick at Know City!!! nd have some amazing stuff!! Went wild there myself.

By Anonymous lovelylibby, at 3:28 pm  

 

Rewards

I've noticed a lot of people give themselves rewards when they reach a certain weight loss goal. This is something that is hard for me, not having any money at all but I was at the pool the other night and spotted something I want when I reach my goal weight.

A toy boy.

It's cheap and very rewarding. It would also be a good work out. Now all I have to decide is if I want the sweet and innocent type or the bad boy type. Mmmm, hard to decide really.

having had (ahem) both - definitely the bad boy. So much more fun :D

By Blogger kimba, at 9:17 pm  

 

::22.2.05::

Today I had some work issues, that I've written about on my main site but I wanted to add something diet related.

Normally when things happen that upset me or make me angry, I hold it all in. I don't react or get visibly upset. I act all calm while inside I'm a mess, then later I eat. I eat a lot. I stuff myself. The chocolate and the bread and the greasy food makes it all better. For a minute or two anyway.

Of course, afterwards I'm still upset and also stuffed to the gills. I'm upset and I feel like a fat pig. A big overfed, emotionally retarded pig. I hate the way I never stick up for myself or let go.

I think I'm afraid that if I let myself respond then I won't know when to stop. When I was a kid I had a bad temper and my mother used to yell at me that one day I'd ended up killing someone unless I learnt to control it. She would then get angry at me and scream and yell, sometimes hit me. It's hard to gain emotional control when you have no one to teach you.

Anyway today I didn't lose my temper. I removed myself from the situation without saying a word. Maybe I could have done things better. Maybe I could have stayed around to stick up for myself. But I'm glad that I didn't just take all the shit like some stupid doormat. And, mostly, I'm glad I didn't resort to binging.

 

::21.2.05::

Go Me!

I did it. I got off my arse and went to the pool and nipped that binge attack in the bud. I can do this. I really can. This is like a seminal moment. One day, when people ask me about my phenomenal weight loss, I will tell them about this decision to stop eating and start exercising.

My son used to go to Edward Scissorhands barber shop in Balaclava and when the barber finished the haircut he would always say, "you look a million dollars - U.S." And that's how I feel at the moment.

 

Binge

I'm in mid-binge and I gotta stop. It started at work today. I was, as usual, bored out of my brain, bored to the point of insanity, so instead of having one of my Weight Watchers Fruits of the Forest (does fruits of the forest ever make other people think of a gay beat? no I thought not) cereal bars I had THREE!

It is mighty difficult because the only glimmer of non-tedium in my day is food. Lunch is the glowing ray of light at the end of a long monotonous tunnel. I try to tell myself - wait until 11.00 then I can have a plum, wait until 3.00 and then I can have a fruit bar. All day my head is filled with thoughts of food. I suck on my water bottle until I almost float away.

Ok, the three fruits of the forest bars I could recover from. But then I went to the shop to get cigarettes and decided a teeny little Turkish Delight - the snack sized one, not a whole bar, wouldn't hurt even though my treat for the day was a chai latte at Hudsons. I had the Turkish Delight then I got home and made an avocado and vegemite sandwich. Then I made another one. Oh and I picked at some ham. And a few pistachio nuts. I think that's it.

I gotta stop. I hate this feeling of being out of control, like a runaway food-gorging train.

I guess it's a good sign that I stopped eating long enough to write about it. You can't eat and type at the same time. Maybe if I go for a swim I'll undo some of the damage.

 

::20.2.05::

Things that stay with you

When I was growing up, my dad often had all his blokey friends around for drinks on a Sunday night. I remember one time laying in bed, listening to them talk about a woman they knew:

She'd got so fat that no man would go out with her now, they'd just root her.

That really hit me hard, the thought that I'd grow up to be the one that was so fat no one would go out with me. I'd be the one that men would 'just root'. I think it struck me hard because I'd never heard guys talk that way before - that someone was only good for sex.

Suddenly all those comments of - 'if you lost weight you could have any guy you want' and 'you'd be beating them off with a stick' took an ugly turn. Suddenly I turned that around and saw the reverse side.

When I was 19 I really liked a guy. We hung out together a bit until one night we were out drinking - him with his friends, me with mine, not together - and I approached him. He told me he didn't want me hanging around. I asked him why and he told said - well it's like this, maybe if you went to Jenny Craig for a while you could hang around.

When I was in my mid 20s I really liked a guy. We were great friends and everything seemed to be going ok. Very slowly but ok. Then the friend that introduced us told her husband that I liked this guy. Her husband's reaction - he won't go out with Kathryn, he only likes dollybirds.

Oh, there are a million more stories like that.

Once you get into a frame of mind, it's like everything in life confirms it. Jokes about something being 'like fucking a fat chick - it feels good but you don't want your friends to find out', being chatted up when the pub is closing because you're the last option or the worst - being invisible. Feeling like you are so fat you don't even exist.

I'd like to be able to say that I grew up and got over that way of thinking, that I met some wonderful man who changed my way of thinking, but I never have.

I've hidden away in various places just to avoid even the possibility. Why put myself out there just to risk rejection? It's easy to bury myself in work and study and busyness so I have the excuse of no time. Easier to go out with gay friends where there is no chance of meeting someone then complain because the only men I meet are gay.

I constantly read stories of people who have lost weight and thank their loving partners for their support. I wonder where they find men like that. I question if they exist. Maybe I've been too damaged by things in my past. Now I expect the rejection, the hurt, the comments and I guard myself against them.

 

::19.2.05::

Things You Shouldn't Say To A Fat Chick

Those skinny bastards try to say the right thing. They want to encourage you, right. But sometimes what they say and what I hear are two completely different things. Maybe I'm just an oversensitive bitch, but mostly this stuff is just plain patronising. For example:

You look so healthy - you are so overweight, I'm surprised you aren't dead yet.

She was so big, she'd be two of you - look skinny dudes, you might think that it is reassuring for us to know that, while we might be big, there are folks out there even bigger but personally I don't want to be your measuring stick for largeness.

A friend of mine was telling me about a really good diet - trust me, we've heard all about it. We probably lost and regained the weight from that same diet ten years ago.

and, the all time favourite:

You'd be so pretty if you lost some weight - if I even need to explain what is wrong with that then you are never going to get it. I think anyone that has ever said that to someone in their life should be put on one of those force feeding machines they use to fatten up geese for pate in France and bloated up to about 300 kgs then parade in freak show. That'd learn them.

I know exactly what you mean. That is where the saying came from, "if you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all."

By Blogger ms ralph, at 10:22 am  

The trouble is that mostly they think they ARE being nice.

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 10:40 am  

What I find worse is when you've actually put weight on and people say how wonderful you're looking, and have you lost weight? What's wrong with your eyes!?

By Blogger kkjayne, at 10:58 pm  

I hate that too. Some people seem to say you've lost weight to everyone... it's like saying hello how are you.

By Blogger kathrynoh, at 9:28 am  

 

No Class

I was planning to go to Body Combat class this morning but I didn't go. I feel like a real slackarse for not going but a voice inside me tells me I'm not ready. Maybe that voice is right although I am questioning if it is the voice of reason or the voice of bone idleness. I went for a 30 minute or so walk yesterday and I'm still sore from that, which makes me think that the exercise class is a bit premature. The soreness isn't just muscle soreness either but knee joint soreness so perhaps it is better to ease up a bit.

 

Woohoo!

I got weighed tonight and I've lost another kilo. That brings the total weight loss up to 5 kgs - that's a whopping quarter of my 20 kg goal. I really thought I would put on weight this week after the binge of the weekend plus not doing too much exercise and, when I got on the scales at my friend's place tonight, I thought I had. Then later I realised I'd transposed the numbers of my previous weight in my head and confused myself and I'd really lost weight and that is good. Very good.

I felt this weird lump in my arm the other day and thought I had like a tumour or something. It took me a while to recognise that it's muscle.

Tonight I thought of something that I wanted to share. A friend of mine, who wasn't exactly a big guy though overweight in gay terms, once had someone say to him - wouldn't you be happy if you were thin. He said he thought about for quite a while and concluded that he wasn't unhappy. Sure he would have been happier to have a better body, but that didn't stop him from being happy as he was.

 

::18.2.05::

Ick

If ever I need an incentive to lose weight, this is it.

All I can think of is how did she go to the toilet?

 

Regrouping

Over the last few days I've got back on track after the disaster that was Binge Weekend. I don't think I've lost any weight but don't seem to have gained any either so that is good. But my friends haven't been home so I have not had access to their digital scales (I think I have their house key here somewhere though...mmm).

Anyway I've been thinking, and this is something I've read on a lot of weight loss journals etc but it is only starting to sink in with me, the secret to losing weight is not so much being able to "go on a diet" as such but being able to create a new lifestyle. Hell, we all know diets don't work long time. I've lost about the combined weights of the citizens of a small country, like say Luxembourg, in diets over my life. It's all about a sensible long term eating plan and that includes being able to pick yourself up and get back on the good eating horse when you fall off. It is also accepting that everyone falls off sometimes and that success isn't about never failing but being able to recover from failure.

Oh, I'm coming over all new age guru here. I guess you can hear that stuff a million times but it is much harder to get to the point where you know it for yourself.

I was thinking, a lot of society see us overweight people as lacking discipline and self control but I think the real problem is that we are too disciplined in some ways. I know I have this whole black and white attitude to food - either having to be starving myself on lettuce leaves or else binging. Both are wrong. Healthy eating isn't a punishment. I am very much an either/or person - moderation is incredibly difficult for me. I either eat no Tim-Tams or the whole packet; I go all out with exercise for a few days then get discouraged and stop.

I've got to change that way of thinking. Doing something is better than doing nothing and changing habits slowly is best. Already I've been drinking heaps more water which is great. The next thing I want to do is incorporate more pulses into my diet - not only making meals healthier but also cheaper. That can't be bad.

Yesterday I was flicking through Wild, Succulent Woman by Sark. I don't normally read self-help books but this one is an exception. Have you ever read something that is so appropriate for the place you are in at that moment that words seem to leap out and twist your gut? There was one line about "eating like an angry child" - that is me. That is what I do. I need to learn to overcome that.

I read further and she talks about appreciating your body in the present moment. That also twisted my gut. About ten years ago, I lost a lost of weight and was doing aerobics every day. I looked good there for a while. I see photos now of me at that time and I'm a babe. I had great legs. I want to find one of those photos and stick it on the fridge for inspiration.

But, the sad thing is, I remember how I felt around that time. I didn't feel attractive or gorgeous. I didn't feel a sense of achievement at the changes in my body. I didn't dwell me at the point I was at. Instead my entire focus was on how much further I had to go with my weight loss.

I don't want to do that now. While I have goals that I want to achieve, I don't want to live my life as an unfinished project waiting for the day that scales tell me I am acceptable. I want to be the best I can be at every point along the way.

I can relate to the inward struggles. I've struggled with weight since childhood. This is the first year of dieting where I've gotten a handle on something really important: I am WORTH doing this for. It's not just so I will conform more to what society thinks I should be, but because I am worth the effort. And you know what? You are, too. Come on by my blog and my hubby's -- http://thehman.com -- we're all in this together.

By Blogger Gardenwife, at 9:18 am  

I can relate to the inward struggles. I've struggled with weight since childhood. This is the first year of dieting where I've gotten a handle on something really important: I am WORTH doing this for. It's not just so I will conform more to what society thinks I should be, but because I am worth the effort. And you know what? You are, too. Come on by my blog and my hubby's -- http://thehman.com -- we're all in this together.

By Blogger Gardenwife, at 9:18 am  

Whoops - meant it so much I said it twice. LOL

By Blogger Gardenwife, at 9:19 am  

 

::14.2.05::

I wasn't so good over the weekend. On Friday I went out and had 3 glasses of wine then I came home and was peckish so had a roti with tomato and other salad stuff. I guess that wasn't too bad.

Saturday I went on a sandwich binge - I had about 5 sandwiches which is too, too much sandwiches. For dinner I made a Vietnamese Coleslaw which was good and delicious and had next to no carbs or fat (being mainly cabbage).

Then there was yesterday. Man, oh man. Well we polished off 2 bottles of wine and a bottle of vodka between 3 of us (with fruit juice as mixer). Then we headed to the beer tent where I had another two glasses of champers - not the classy champagne glass style either but those huge plastic ones that hold like a can of beer. Then I had about half a glass of beer as well.

On top of that, I eat pate and pesto and other naughties. Not good.

The worst of it is that I had to go to the doctors for a blood test this morning. God knows what they'll find in my blood after that binge. I've got to stop it. I've got to get myself under control.

This morning my blood sugar was 5.9. I took it twice to be extra sure and that's what it was. Dunno how that happened.

 

::10.2.05::

Weird but good

Last week, as I said below, I got weighed on my friend's digital scales and was about 4kgs heavier than on my home scales. I just thought it was a variation in the scales even though I didn't like it.

Tonight I went over to get weighed again and had lost 4 kgs. Good to know but strange. Maybe I didn't set them properly last time because they are a bit high tech. Anyway it's officially official 4 kgs.

At the beginning of the year my goal was to lose 10 kgs this year. I figured it was easier to set a small goal and achieve it rather than aim high and fail. Of course, even though I was being sensible, deep down inside I wanted to lose lots more. Lots and lots. I'm still aiming for the 10 kgs though. That will be the first step. Only 6 kgs to go.

Oh yeah, I also met up with my new exercise buddy tonight. It's good. We both said that we would have skipped exercising tonight except that we had the commitment to meet, so it's working. We had a swim and I realised having an exercise buddy also keeps you honest when you are working out. No cutting 5 minutes off your time. No slacking off.

 

Today I got my blood sugar monitor all sorted so that is one goal for the week done. While I was at the diabetes place I got a book that goes through most types of food and tells you what brands and products are best. I am going to start taking it with me when I go shopping.

I measured my bsl tonight for the first time in ages. 12.1. Not good, but I have had a couple of glasses of wine plus pie. Bad me, but I was at friend's place for dinner and that makes it hard.

I also got an exercise buddy today. She lives near me and we are meeting up tomorrow to go swimming. Hopefully I'll be more motivated having a commitment to meet up with someone else. Best I go shopping for new bathers tomorrow.

 

::8.2.05::

At my last job one of the girls (who had a body like an undernourished rake) bought some anti-cellulite cream. We all asked why she needed it and she was trying to convince us that she had cellulite on her thighs. Lordy, she didn't even have thighs. Someone pipped up with the comment that you know you are thin when you brag about having cellulite.

That lead to another co-worker wistfully remarking that there are some people in the world who have NEVER known what it is like to be fat.

It's funny to think about that. See, to be honest with you all, I've never ever known a time when I WASN'T fat. EVER. Sure there was some time when I hovered around the normal weight range but that was before I was toilet trained so it hardly counts.

As long as I've been conscious of having a body, I've been overweight. I was teased about being fat in Prep.

I remember when I was about 7 or 8, my parents talked to me about going on a diet - bad move by the way, who does that? If you have an overweight kid, just feed them better, don't make a deal out of it - and I worried about having clothes to wear when I lost weight. My parents didn't really grasp what I was talking about but, in my childish mind, I thought I'd lose the weight like overnight. I think I almost expected to wake up thin the next morning. Didn't happen.

Since then, one way or another, the weight has always been an issue. Either dieting or not, it is something I've had to deal with. And I'm sick of it. I'm really sick of it. I want to know what it feels like to be normal.

 

3 Down, 17 to go

I lost another kilo this week. Woohoo! Go me! I'm on a roll.

I should make a progress chart. I think that would be good. Or a pie chart. Mmm pie.


 

::5.2.05::

Well I lost 2kgs last week, more due to having a crook gut than from any effort on my part. Still it was good. I've been hovering between the same 2 kgs for months and now I have finally got under that mark.

The bad news was when I decided to weigh myself on a friend's scales. My scales are the old fashioned kind and, to make it worse, they have the lbs on the outside of the circle thingo with kgs on the inside. What this means is that the space between each little ||| is so tiny that it makes it hard to guage if I've actually lost weight.

My friends have those fancy whizz-bang digital scales that tell you your fat % (like I want to know that) and everything. But they weigh about 4 kgs heavily than my home scales.

I know it shouldn't make any difference. What matters is the amount lost, not some stupid number on a scale. Still it would have been nice if they weighed lighter than mine.

While I was there, I also took my measurements.

Big claps for me this week:

I filled up my drink bottle with water and drank it every day this week plus I've been drinking more water at home.

I got up at 7.00 and went for a walk on Friday.

I went to an exercise class on Thursday. It was cancelled but hey, I got myself motivated to go.

I bought a copy of Slimming Magazine and have been recording all my food intake in the diet diary that was free with it.

I had breakfast most days.

Things to improve:

Not eating enough early in the day then getting famished and buying bad food after work. Maybe buy some fruit at lunch time for an afternoon snack.

Take diabetes tablets every day.

I was really inspired the other day. Reading through the success stories on the Weight Watchers site, I found one where the woman had not only lost weight but had also gone from being dependant on 3 insulin injections a day to control her diabetes through diet and exercise.

I think that maybe I should focus less on the actual weight lose and more on the diabetic control. My greatest fear in life is that I will have to become dependant on injections for insulin control. Well even greater than that is the fear of the complications of diabetes - vision loss, amputation and all that icky stuff. If I could get off all my medication then I'd be a happy girl.

Goals for the week:

Exercise for at least 20 mins every day.

Get batteries for my BSL monitor.

Eat more fruit and less after work snacks.

 

stats:

current weight:
76.6 kg

start weight:
110.1 kg

total loss:
33.5 kg

goal weight:
70 kgs

 

measurements:

boobs: 100 cm

waist: 81 cm

hips: 109 cm

thighs: 50 cm

 

Weekly Goal Lifestyle Changing Challenge-A-Rama

Week 1 - Drink more water

Week 2 - Cut out sugary treats

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